pretty as a diagram.

so, i wrote an entry yesterday and deleted it two hours later. i try not to delete them, but my mood was so fleeting that i didn't feel like causing a ripple over something that didn't exist anymore.

last night a bunch of my buddies and i went duckpin bowling. it was fantastic. i was pretty okay at it! i had a lot of practice since i was bowling on both lanes. i'm such an overachiever.

i have very little to say today. sorry, my blog, all my worldwide faithful readers... there are things going on, awesome and not so. i always thought that someone with a disgusting house has some sort of depression; that their house is a reflection of their inner turmoil or some shit. i am not without conflicts, but overall i'm pleased. so i guess my (usually harsh and prematurely formed) judgment was pretty off.

for the weekend:
-help dad with some disc backup thing; hang out with katia at the same time
-buy cat food
-clean house
-produce mood board/illustrations for photo shoot garments
-cook?
-get my dance on at one or more of the party times happening tonight.
-sleep a lot

mmm my weekend sounds mundane. i could throw in some trying-to-be-interesting sounding bits referencing some trendy chuck palahnuik or the new ferocious green album, but let's be honest, many of us, most of the time, have lists like this.

i would like some pancakes. hot ones. with maple syrup. aggagahghaghhahghhhh.

also, this is like the new postsecret for me. my friend got me addicted (thanks, i really needed another inter-addiction)... a softer world.

here're a couple good'n's for today.
(on the actual image if you scroll over it with your cursor it says 'but not in packs, please')

by the way, my friend just told me had a dream where she joined twitter. i was in the dream but she couldn't remember what i was doing. duh! what else? i was probably @emilyh-ing.

yeah, this is my life... jealous?

raccoons!

i am becoming nocturnal.

i am trying to stay grounded and level-headed within a baby of a whirlwind. it's silly. not to undermine the people involved, but i mean. isn't it all just kind of silly? my sentiments are, i'll be the first to admit it.

there's a difference between someone deliberately jerking you around, and someone who is genuine. but still... why would i...

i repeat to myself over and over, be a friend, be a friend. be simple. be gentle, be caring. don't shout, if you can help it. don't wax dramatic (well hey, i am unable to follow that one, but i am definitely not the worst) and don't deny yourself. and thus, you are a walking contradiction. and i knew things were simple before, and they still are, but the most exhausting and overcomplicated paths have been tread in order to avoid this knowledge.

simple. i try. convincing...

i really am becoming 'that girl'. i.e. that 'what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about' girl. i'm so proud.

don't take it personal

firstly, i love emily. god she listens to me talkin' some shit. she reminded me of this song... i had forgotten about it! how could i do such a thing? anyway it was somewhat in context of the conversation...



and along with that song, one of my ALL TIME favorites:



i need that white jumpsuit...

right now i'm making a spinach olive lasagna and chocolate sprinkle cake for my boss who had surgery two weeks ago. and for me and my sister to eat off of too... pictures later, prepare to be jealous...

challengers

i wish i could make a private journal entry so i could choose who sees it, i need to get some shit off my chest. but i guess i'll just... not. writing it all out and erasing it doesn't do it for me. i already did that. i am fighting pride. i'm fighting the urge to do what's wrong when i've already technically dealt with the situation. it's over and done.

i wish i could get away from richmond for a while... but the problem is you can never really go somewhere and be a new person. i feel incredibly misunderstood and don't really know how to convince people that everything i've done and everything i do comes from trying to reach a balance between what is best for everyone, including myself. it's not often where doing what's right for me fucks something else up, so it's been a great challenge for me to not beat myself up over it. although really, let's be honest, it was the fucking up that came first that made me have to rescue myself.

i just need to not care. because it is impossible for everyone to be cool with you. there's going to be someone who isn't... there's going to be someone who has an image of you that isn't on point... so fuck it, right? all i can do is what's best for myself and try to do it in a way that causes the least amount of destruction. i could have done a better job of this before. but i was wronged and sometimes you have to cut the cord, albeit crudely, before you get strung along it that much more.

you live and you learn. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. not everyone can be friends, although if i had my way, we all would be. i honestly harbor no resentment towards anybody.

i only burn bridges when necessary. it's not easy, but we all have to make choices. it makes me sad that things have to operate that way sometimes...

for gossip girl fans

uuuuh this just totally got me in a better mood.

full frontal

i'm not feeling that stoked on updating right now, but i feel like if i don't, it won't happen for a long time. i guess there isn't really anything wrong with that, though.

i've had a great weekend... i bought tickets for austin, so it's official that i'll be going in march. really looking forward to it! also saw a lot of friends yesterday and that felt awesome. went dancing, participated in a lot of ridiculousness. finally saw milk, and it is indeed good.

what else... i've been thinking about stuff that doesn't belong in this blog.

i'm going to get out of the house.

waist to hip ratio

sometimes i like hunger. it makes me feel alive... it makes me feel mortal. dramatic of me to say, yes, but these days i don't deny whatever ridiculous thought come to mind.

i am getting a little sick, i was supposed to go out tonight. my voice is half an octave lower than usual. time to get my sex-line gig back up and running. i'm staying in because i can't afford to miss work tomorrow.

i am both unimpressed and excited by things and people i encounter. perspective is so important... the same quality could be called disillusionment or realism. i have no idealistic tendencies anymore. i've been trust-broken.

and everything is good. i am hungry for all the differences and offerings life will present in the future... i look forward, i feel good, i am thankful to everybody involved and feel optimistic. these women who have briefly touched me are ones i have a respect for, in a strange way. each one had a different purpose, and i hope that i had gained everything possible from them with all the insight i could muster. it's easy to blow positive experiences out of proportion, and also easy to blow negative ones too.

richmond is too small to hold grudges. ladies, why bother? dance parties solve everything. drama is in the eye of the beholder. i just want to have a good time, not think about it too much. i don't want to settle down, i don't want to slut it out, i'm just here to absorb life and maybe throw out some posi.

i'm just here to fuckin' daaaance, bitches!

three years ago in a kitchen in italy.

this is one of my favorite videos of all time. it deserves a place on my all-important blog. sincerity and self-sacrifice can still pay off, apparently, if you're a milk carton.

sesh #58

two things.

i can't tolerate fake people. they are a waste of my time and i am only interested in genuine, sincere people who have their hearts in honorable places and work hard and play hard. i'm lucky to have awesome friends who encapsulate these traits, however in the last year i've been meeting a lot more people. i had forgotten that there are people out there who do not meet my criteria. at all. this is all fine and good, i don't expect everyone to be what i want in myself, BUT!...

it's been a challenge learning how to be careful. since i'm not used to dealing with these scheisty-ass fakers, i need to be cautious and keep myself protected before i start throwing the word 'friend' around. and what the fuck is up with fake, contradictory people saying THEY want genuine people in their lives? i get to know them and slowly the holes in their stories reveal themselves... how do they think they deserve honest people in their lives when they aren't honest themselves? if they keep getting disappointed, i do not feel sorry for them.

thing number two...

those i care about know i'm gay, and i guess other people are figuring it out too. blahblah that's that. but with that comes all this bullshit about lesbians not wanting to hang out with other inexperienced lesbians. i guess if all i cared about was sex then yeah sure, fair enough. but really? i think it's a pretty fucked up stipulation that will keep you from possibly finding someone worthwhile (if that's something you're interested in).

i know that if someone can't see past that, then i shouldn't give a shit about them anyway because their priorities are too different from mine. but i feel resentful that the physical is enough to hold people back from learning more. then there is always the comparison to people not hiring you for a job because you don't have enough experience in that job. thanks for labeling me a lost cause when you don't even know me.

dating is enough like some emotional job interview process, i guess i shouldn't be surprised that the criticism and judgment extend further and deeper.

oh well, your loss.

posi new

last night was fun! i hope everyone had a good new years. i was surrounded by some of my favorite people and couldn't have asked for more.

seeing as how i actually kept a couple new years resolutions from last year, i feel somewhat confident making some more for this year. here goes...

-finish getting my body in shape. 15 pounds to go and toning all around. so doable.
-save money. this one is always hard for me, but it is instrumental in order for me to do the next one, which is...
-travel more. i can't handle this rva-for-the-whole-year bullshit. i will hopefully go to austin for sxsw and nyc and chicago to visit friends. no, not hope, i WILL. dammit.
-finally get my shit on etsy.com and stop wasting time being lazy (and admittedly, blogging! sheesh, all for like, what, five people?)

pretty stoked for 2009. 2008 was probably one of the most important years of my life. i did a lot of work, and i'm excited to enjoy the fruits of my labor a wee bit this year.

and my birthday is coming up soon! presents and fun friend time y'all.