speak entirely in slang

i think life right now, for me, is about learning to wait.

i'm waiting... but i think the point is to live without waiting... that is, enjoy what's going on right now without projecting my mind purely into the future.

i've wound this web of circumstances; a plan to get me on track, a path to 'happiness'. whatever the hell that is. it all depends on the first step that leads me to the rest, and obviously if i fail at the first step, my life is OVER. that's the skewed way that i've seen it. i know it's ridiculous, but i feel life in extremes.

things i want, don't have, and will take a while to get:
-moving
-being unbroke
-losing all the weight

one path: if i can't get in perfect physical shape, then my self-confidence will never be healthy, which means i'll never have the balls to talk to people i'm interested in, because obviously they'll reject me. and what's the big deal about rejection? it's humiliating and i always assume it's because of my weight. because let's face it, weight WILL make many people reject you. few people are willing to look past it. and fuck, i'm one of them. i want someone attractive too. i'm tired of living like a hypocrite. i can go on for days bitching about the shallowness of people, but we're ALL shallow. we all like what we like. until i become someone i like, i don't think anyone will like me... and while i don't like myself, it will show through my actions. and someone liking me should NEVER be the goal of self-improvement. i'm a number one advocate for learning how to be single and happy. being single can be the greatest thing ever. i'm fucked up.

i wish i didn't give a fuck... but you know, if i didn't i probably would have been skinny this whole damn time. it's because i cared too much that i went overboard. it's fucking gross and the world sucks sometimes, but that's the way it is. some cutthroat shit that you just can't think too hard about or you end up like me, embittered and jaded.

some overweight people are still beautiful, but the looks that i was born with don't allow for that. regarding my looks, i get the compliment 'striking', not 'pretty'. because i'm not. and i don't want to be conventionally pretty. how convenient.

so can you base happiness on an ideal weight? of course not. but it is a reflection of how much you respect yourself. and i know i talk about self respect a lot, because it's something i haven't had a lot of, and i know it's important to have a solid core, a caring faith to drive you.

i should dismantle my plan, and all the steps. i need to convince myself that there are plenty of things to live for now, rather than putting my life on hold until i've decided i deserve it. this isn't to say i'm not going to go through with the steps, just that i need to try and let it flow organically and not expect it all to unfold in the methodical manner i think of in my head.

life is stupid and amazing. i need to shoot the veruca salt in me.

she shows in mysterious ways.

september, 1998: i am an eighth grader at robious middle school. it's the last year of middle school, but the first time i had been in one. my mother had moved us to a house who's property line between richmond and chesterfield went down the middle of our yard specifically so i could attend robious.

i am the antithesis of the ideal robious student. a few weeks prior to starting school, my sister and my boyfriend had taken pinking shears to my hair, followed by his hair clippers. i had had a field day with a pair of tweezers and i had too much angst to bother with food. i wore one black v-neck knit 3/4 sleeve shirt, faded from wear. jeans. dr. martens. chain link necklace. skull ring. my sister always pounced at any opportunity to make me her personal doll, resulting in a heinous betty page hairdo at 11 and a carrot-orange jaw length frizzy bob at 12.

my appearance and general expression of doom plastered on my face granted me some fascinating experiences, complete with nicknames. one day i was a goth who was going to die from cancer, the next i am a huge dyke who moved here from canada. you know those crazy 13 year old canadian dykes, they're taking over america!

one girl got very stressed by my 'situation'. i found a note in my locker, a letter really, professing her willingness to help me find god. she penned this letter complete with the repeated botched spelling of 'bibble'. she wanted me to attend bibble school with her so that i may be saved from my miserable godless existence.

i wonder if this girl had told her family about me and they recommended this outreach, or if she had committed this act of charity on her own. this girl had never spoken to me and we had no classes together. i know it was just eighth grade, but it still amazes me how much people determine from looks alone. she had no idea what was going on at my house. i could have been beaten, i could have lost a loved one, i could be sharing a room with four other siblings in a one bedroom house with nothing to eat, i could have a fatal disease. i could have even been seeking solace through the same god she calls on, for all she knows. in reality, i had a selfish, sexually graphic mother who used money to make up for her failings at parenting, a father who's ability to function in the world was starting to disintegrate and thus tried to tighten his hold on his children, and myself, who's freakishly early puberty had convinced me i was the ugliest, most awkward waste of space that ever existed. there was a semblance of faith/spirituality in me at the time, but my teen years were not about to let me explore it. i had the freedom to do whatever i wanted with my appearance, thus reflecting my state of mind to a t.

it's disgusting to form conclusions about personal opinions and faith on appearance alone. i read the letter, spelling errors spoken phonetically, to my mother and sister, who promptly picked the girl and her letter apart. i wholeheartedly joined in with my family, because this was one part of my life i knew how to blend into. i saw the unfairness of picking on her, but was so frustrated by the unfair judgments made about me that i didn't care. it felt good for my family to assure me that she was in fact the crazy one, not me. after all, i spent 8 hours a day in a place where i felt picked apart. all eyes criticized. a place where my art teacher snubbed me because she was jealous of my artistic ability. even if i did something right, it was apparently so right it was wrong. i was never meant to fit in. and i never have.

bibble girl and i were probably more similar than anyone else in that school. both social outcasts, perceived as freaks. the difference between me and her was that she used her inherited beliefs to try and (albeit misguidedly) help, whereas i used my inherited beliefs to hurt. who really takes the high road here?

i only spent one semester at robious, and i did make one (atheist) friend who i am still vaguely friends with now. i finished the year doing 'homeschool'... i.e. nursing my teenage depression before heading to open high the next year.

since then, we've all learned how to create our appearances to reflect our beliefs and moods. some of us think really hard about how to do that, to others it comes more naturally. it doesn't really matter what you do, because you'll always be judged. no matter how polite someone is, there is always the insecure teen somewhere in there, picking you apart before you can get to them. the difference between then and now? i used to care. now i still care, and it's bullshit if anyone ever says they don't. but now i know that what i'm projecting is really me. judge all you want.

i hope bibble girl has found herself, whether that includes god or not. she didn't help me the way she intended, but all was not lost.

putting the 'grit' in 'integrity'

man, this blog is a total snoozefest. let's remedy this situation.

quick personal update since may:

-zoe fucked a lot of my shit up, but it's cool now. she's house trained and crate trained, also much less anxious.
-i'm vegan
-i no longer drink (i barely did before, so it's really not a stretch) and in terms of substances one could call me straight edge, but i will not label myself as such for a few reasons.
-i've lost 25 pounds (30 more to go, hoping to hit that shit by my birthday)

i have a few out-of-town friends who read this who wouldn't know those things and may be interested.

so i've obviously made some pretty big diet changes, and it really wasn't because of any people i know. i was already surrounded by many vegans and a fair amount of straight edgers. i don't know exactly what did it (besides that fucking documentary earthlings, nice lighthearted viewing pleasure!) except me realizing i needed to do myself and the world a favor and stop treating everything like shit. it was holding me back and obviously i was throwing my inner chaos out into the world. what right do i have to do that? it's up to us to reduce our footprints, carbon and non... we sure do have some egos in us, us humans, huh?

i really wanted to write about something else in this post, but i feel that it would be a jolt to change subject suddenly. i'll just post a separate one.

plus one pup, minus one work day

today is memorial day, and also the last out of my four day weekend. it's been a puppy-filled weekend.

i got Zoe monday evening. she's a 5 month old rescue puppy who spent the first half of her life in shelters and the second half in a foster home with 15 other puppies. she is black, and is a mix of chesapeake bay retriever, labrador retriever and chow. she's a fuzzy little boogerface. she's had little human interaction and is pretty shy, but it's been a week and she's definitely showing improvement. she's prone to barking if one or two new people approach, but in crowds of other people and dogs she's totally fine, albeit a bit subdued at first. she's young enough that i think she'll come out of the shyness and dependence on me. i will post photos soon.

on friday i took Zoe to mango (my work), which involved her first car trip with me, and first experience at a place with lots of people. she was extremely shy at first, backing into a corner and looking at me pleadingly, but we stayed for about an hour and she was pretty chill by the end of it. she also likes getting in the car now too, even though she's not interested in sniffing out the windows at all like i thought most dogs liked to do.

on saturday morning, my ex-step-dad dennis and i took zoe to the forest hill farmer's market. there were all kinds of tents with produce, bbq, soaps, flowers, jewelry, pies, etc. i bought some local broccoli and strawberries. zoe met some dogs and didn't bark the entire time. we decided to walk home through the park, and we encountered more people and dogs, and at those times zoe would bark until she got close and sniffed.

saturday afternoon i went to the wedding of my friends sandy and jessie. i got appropriately misty-eyed a few times. after the ceremony they had a reception at artworks, and then there was a party at jess and sarah's place that night. it was great seeing everyone, and i love going to a wedding that feels right. weddings generally weird me out a little bit.

yesterday magen and i took the dog to a cookout/pool party at corie, anita and bird's house. it was nice. i got twenty minutes of sun and got burned, so i sat in the shade and watched everyone in the sun. whaa. just kidding, it wasn't quite like that. but it was fun. zoe actually played with another dog, too. she was exhausted after we had been there for 4 or 5 hours, so we came back to my house, magen went home and i started setting up my new industrial sewing machine. it's quite an ordeal, and the poorly translated-from-chinese assembly instructions are trying. it's about half put together. bleh. it looks pretty badass though. i'll load photos of it with the zoe photos next time.

that's about all that's going on in my world. enjoying the weather, growing my veggie garden, raising a puppy, working and striving towards getting a good sewing setup.

and i really need to go to the grocery store. dad and cynthia are throwing an early dinner party tonight and the food sounds incredible, so i'm going to that around 4:30, and it's 3 now, so i don't have much time to do anything... maybe i'll clean the catboxes, vacuum and write a grocery list and go to the store after dinner. maybe i'll even cook something for my lunches this week.

things are good. it's amazing what good weather can do to a person. my life is pretty complete right now. i would enjoy having some company of the romantic type, but i'm enjoying being single, and having a sig oth is not one of the factors of my completeness.

now, i'm going to belt out some christina aguilera while i vacuum. peace bitches!

ineffable, unflapable

heeeeeey!!!

what's up. long time no communicate.

it's april. it's getting warmer, i had mostly abandoned the internet for the last few months, save checking email. and occasionally myspace and craigslist. but whatever, don't judge me!

so on monday i'm going to get supplies to start my vegetable, herb and flower garden. I am excited! brandy and collier are going to share the land with me. possibly katia too, but she's overwhelmed with school right now.

i've been working overtime at mango, and sundays at alchemy in carytown. basically what i mean by telling you this is that i work pretty much every day and i'm kind of tired. but i've also been hanging out with my buddies and that's fun. cook out season is fast upon us and i am stoked about that.

mom is coming to visit during the second weekend in may, and i took off all four days she'll be here. it's going to be awesome because we're gonna go berry picking and do other fun stuff like go to maymont, the botanical gardens, sally belle and other delicious dining locations. i hate that i don't go to maymont and places like that on my own, on a regular basis. by the end of this year i definitely need to decrease my hours. i've been making more money, but i don't think it's all that worth it sometimes. i want the time to pursue art. and to have enough energy to clean my house. i've been so willing to just go go go, and that's great, i know that my work appreciates it, but lately i think i went a little too far and didn't listen to myself enough.

i have made some new friends over the last few months and it makes me really happy. magen is probably one of my favorite people ever, and we like to spend our free time doing similar things. i've never had a friend like that before, and it's awesome.

i can't believe we're 1/3 of the way through the year. yes, i think about stuff like that. time passes so fast for me these days. i'm not ok with it. i want to enjoy life more, and stop wanting to buy things. i want to stop being driven by money. i don't even get paid that much, but i probably get paid more than many of my friends. i've been resisting cynicism lately... now that i'm done with school for the time being, all these thoughts about 'adult' achievements have weight down on me, mostly the idea of buying a house and how impossible it seems.

and really, why should i be worrying about this? i'm only 23.

on the flip side, i have been having more fun. going out more and stuff.

i bought some art the other day. it is sweet. i'm sure there are richmonders who are 'over' nick kuszyk, but i don't care. go to rRobots to check it out.

today i feel like staying up late, drinking coffee or beer, baking brownies, reading books, playing games and watching movies with a good friend. but fuck my job that i have to be at at 8:45 tomorrow morning! nobody to blame but me, i know...

maybe i'll just do some cooking right now. i'm supposed to go to hillary's house and help her paint, but i haven't heard from her. tonight i really don't feel like working. i had today off and it didn't even feel like it.

i'm a whiny bitch. let's get drinks.

oh and i cut my hair:



a friend told me i needed to post photos of my hair, so i did. i was really tired and i know it's one of 'those' shots, but get off me. jk love ya!

Happy New Year!

It's the first day of 2008! I'll be 23 in 25 days.

I think this will be a good year. I got no new year's kiss and i drank too much last night, but i still had fun.

Here are my resolutions:

-Get back on the gym/weight loss track
-Save money
-Reconfigure my apartment so I have a work space and can start designing and making things

Pretty basic stuff I guess. All extremely doable.

I hope everyone had a good New Year's celebration, and I hope everyone has a great year!

dance dance dance

Man, I am utterly absorbed in this book. I started reading it last week and I'm almost done with it, it's so good. It's not a hard read, but it's also not forgettable. Good stuff.

The attention I've been giving to this book has made it tough to study for my french final. That, and my sister's reborn partying ways. She partied this weekend, and wasn't able to study. While I am trying to study on my own and not rely on her (as I know it appears I do) information sticks better when you're mulling it over with someone else. I need to study!!

I also started a new job today, waitressing at Easy Street. Today was my first day of training, and I actually waited on my first table ever! What a rush. Haha. It was cool though, I think I will enjoy working there. I'm happy to be at a local, independent place rather than a chain. And no super long drive, either. If/when I move back to the fan area, it would only be a short bike ride away.

I may be getting one of my dad's old road bikes. My uncle has them right now, fixed them up several years ago and they've been sitting in his garage ever since. If they're not too big, I'll take one of them and fix it up. They're probably pretty heavy, but I don't care. Of course, this won't help too much unless I live across the river again. To be honest, I'm not going to start out making that trek across the river on a bike. I'm too out of shape and after what happened to Jonny Z on the Nickel Bridge, I just don't really want to go there. So we'll see.

I'm pretty happy right now. I think I will read more book and then sleep.