stand up, celebrate the natural need to own what ain't earned.

today:

-i was in the weirdest best mood today, all chipper and shit. nothing could stop me, nobody could piss me off. i didn't start to come down until i came home a few minutes ago. i was hoping i could ride it for a few days.

-mock chicken tagine at couscous is STILL super delicious.

-harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay wasn't good. of course nph helped, but still, not impressed. at least now i can send it back and get something else soon.

-exercise. i need it. i feel like shit lately. top of the list tomorrow morning/afternoon/whenever i get up for sure.

-i hate acquiring the things needed to put together a halloween costume. but i can't wait for people to be confused about my costume, especially if i have the pleasure of talking to girls in slutty costumes. jokes on you bitches!

-there are a lot of shows coming up. i'm broke. it sucks. but you better believe i'm making it to william elliott whitmore on the 7th. priorities, man.

-being cold sucks, but i love getting warm when it is cold outside. ftw.

-my friends rule. even when some of them are a little special sometimes.

happy halloween.

destroy and rebuild; repeat indefinitely.

i am irritated. please excuse any immature and irrational delivery.

there are so many stupid people in the world. maybe i am one of them for thinking i'm not one of them, but every day i am reminded. i don't want my heart to be consumed by anger, but sometimes it seems virtually impossible. stupid people, doing stupid things, ruining the world. it was halfway ruined already i guess. man insists on destroying and rebuilding. destroying, killing, birthing and rebuilding flimsily, making his arrogant mark. people are so mindless, happy to live in a bubble of ignorance. i sat at a stoplight today and watched everyone, immersed in their ridiculous and pointless activities. most of them were talking on cell phones. maybe because of my job, i feel like most people around me are blissfully unaware of anything going on that matters.

these stupid people are having too many stupid babies. please stop having children. every time i see photos or news on facebook about another girl getting pregnant, i grit my teeth. most smart people are smart enough not to have them, thus the world is filling with idiots.

i always held humans in contempt. with this came an unavoidable, substantial dose of self-contempt. i was always irritated that i could in some way be grouped, by species, gender, race, interests, or events, with horrible people. in my lowest moments i wonder if i am a fraud.

i see all these people who will live out their lives without achieving anything worthwhile. i sound insensitive, but you know that's true, some people don't ever do anything. i know it's a matter of opinion whether someone does something influential, but everyone gets wrapped up in daily life and it all starts to blend together. lives look the same from person to person, different colors and textures don't change the end results all that much.

so then, if we don't really do anything worthwhile... what's the point? why are we alive? so that dumb people can be 'happy' and hollow, and people like me waste their time hating those people, trying to use their anger to fuel an effort to achieve something of which to be proud?

how discouraging.

i have little concern for responsibility right now. i am apathetic towards my daily tasks. it's all i can do to put my energy into the happy mask i need to function at work. because let's face it, i would be screwed if i lost my job. then i'd be even angrier.

on which side would you rather be?

neither makes good.

i've seen this happen in other people's lives and now it's happening in mine.

this was a good weekend. i sewed, i met people, i stayed occupied, i was productive but relaxed.




need loot? need supply gave bags out at ipanema last night. bartender also gave me free tea... thanks bartender! people have been extra generous to me lately, i feel like i have fairy dust on me or something. the dj played some choice tunes and i actually danced... i know... hell is freezing over as we speak.


emily and i went to a show tonight (pretty boy thorson and the falling angels... horrible name, great band) and her fingernails matched everything! the evening was meant to be.



also tonight i relived my wild underage days:


or maybe i just left my id in my coat that i misplaced...

also, i wish i could start a band. i love to sing and i've been told i don't suck, but beyond that i have no confidence. i just know that i am happiest when singing, and people don't always cringe. even though i usually joke sing. seems like it could be something, but i don't know how. boo.

less bitch, more pics

with a house like this... obama 08? duh.


found this in my phone's photo album. i don't remember receiving this in a message, but someone sent it to me. mystery owl! whoo....whoo


my friend jess is getting one of these little boogers (i.e. english bulldog puppies) next weekend. as cute/alien as they look right now, after having had my own puppy, man, i really don't envy her. speaking of...


picturesque brunch view today. the vegan apple pie pancakes, soysage, mini bagels and silk nog were also a sight to see, but not for long!

now, nap.

jaded BS

this town is so fucking small. i know, i've said that before, and i know you know it's true.

but i just wish something different would come along. i feel like i'm jogging in circles here. but not really, because i'll never fit in, nor do i really want to. it's a strange limbo that i hope is helping to fuel some sort of artistic bullshit, or else i don't see the point.

i go out to look for something different, but it's the same old stuff. i place myself in different situations to find that i'm still the same.

i shouldn't be surprised, and i'm not. and i know some cool people, don't get me wrong, i'm down with that.

richmond rumors are so ridiculous. i have always said this, but i feel extra strong about it now: don't believe ANYTHING you hear until you know what really happened. and there will be times when it will be impossible to know the truth, if you weren't there or involved yourself.

sometimes familiar faces are comforting. sometimes you wish you could rearrange those faces yourself just to see something different.

i'm the one nobody really knows, and if this were a movie i'd be the one that they wish they knew. but this isn't a movie. this is life.

quiet in life

the concept of hitting on people is weird.

it happened to me tonight. it seems to be this bizarre trend actually, recently. it's happened several times. and i'm not trying to be all ooh look at me getting hit on wank wank, awesome, trying to act like i'm uncomfortable but i'm really bragging. no. it's not like that. because trust me, i'm no stranger to rejection. my self-esteem has had plenty of knocked-down moments.

i just need to know, what the fuck do you do? what's the best way to handle it? i used to get hit on by dudes in high school and i pretty much handled it the same way i did tonight.

after i realized what was going on, i ignored him. he was on the job, and i really don't think hollering at girls who look tired and cold is in his job description. he kept fighting the good and futile fight up until i turned my music up and drove away. i guess i should have been flattered? but mostly i felt like he just put me in a position where i needed to act like a bitch. should i just say "thanks for offering a validation of my looks, but no thanks i don't ever wanna jump on ya"? eh. it's a little wordy.

i guess i'll just look like an asshole no matter what. shouldn't take me long to be okay with that, i think plenty of people think i'm antisocial to spite them. sorry, nobody's that important that i am gonna single you out to ignore. i'm just shy. and flustered. not to be confused with quiet, i think we all know i'm usually not quiet. i don't know how to act around new people so sometimes i'll shut down a bit.

btw, hitting on me won't work. i don't really roll that way. you're not going to get any 'action' anytime soon with me. i'm not a prude, i'm not a slut. i'm just a person trying to meet people, hang out with friends, feel useful in life. hitting on someone is based on appearance with the goal of getting some. for me personally, physical shit is overrated and usually not worth the headache. the concept of being hit on is bizarre, awkward and i definitely have a generalized notion that the kind of person i want to hang out with would be more like me... and i don't go up to people and hit on them. no no, i choose much more embarrassing and underhanded (read: spineless) methods to let people know they make me blush. thanks. i'd be the one folding up notes and passing them to you (via my friend, duh). do you like me? check yes or no(or maybe!!!). at 23 years old. whatever, i'm TOTALLY normal and well-adjusted.

oh and sorry to anyone in whole foods tonight, i was the dick shouting on my cell phone in there, then i kept wandering around because i was on the stupid phone distracted.

what a jerk!

deafening in death.

and i will remember your name and face
on the day you are judged by the funhouse cast
and i will rejoice in your fall from grace
with a cane through the sky like "none shall pass"

---

i feel dramatic when i'm angry. i don't know what's worse, being chill and never getting crazy, or getting too ridiculous. sometimes i wish i could just keep quiet. i'm not the type of person to start shit for the sake of starting shit. i'm not that bored.

sometimes i am understanding and compassionate. sometimes i'm just really fucking angry and ready to sling curses as if i'm dying tonight.

i was told recently that hanging out with me was 'excruciating'. somehow i didn't immediately think that was a bad thing... i guess in context it made sense. in hindsight, i'm not so sure. i'm not always an easy person to be around. that's a reality. i'm not willing to bend myself to make someone like me. this is it. take it. leave it. i am me and i make no apologies. society can fuck itself if that's what it expects.

i want you to be yourself too. do you know who that is? how big does the sacrifice need to be for you to decide you'd rather be complacent forever? what makes a sacrifice worth it? when you don't know the extent of the reward, what would it take to get you to take the plunge?

i'm not much of a gambler. i wouldn't want to be in a gambler's shoes. i don't envy the position.

for some people happiness will never be an option. where is truth on your list of priorities?

now i'm getting out of this house. i can't be here much.