i make creepy look good.

my sister's boyfriend is a huge fan of the show 'the pick up artist'. if you aren't familiar with this show, check it out here. It's a ridiculous show full of phrases and methods that are supposed to enable the common (or creepy) man with skills to pick up ladies. this got me thinking about my vast knowledge of conquering hearts. and undies. when i'm in bars getting schwasted and picking up some xx chromosomes, these are my most succesful secrets. keep it exclusive ya'll.

-ladies love it when you talk about yourself. the more you do, the better. who wouldn't want to hear about what you ate at thanksgiving? and why your best friend in 4th grade punched you in the face? not to mention every reason why your ex broke up with you. draw up an abbreviated pamphlet of your life so that they are able to study it and really absorb every detail. it's more of a common courtesy than anything else. hand it to said hottie, and then do the 'call me' motion and walk away. i've gotten mad babes this way because they totally dig my honesty and let's get real; who doesn't want to know everything about me?

-this may seem obvious, but stuff your face and then let out as much audible gas (either end acceptable and encouraged). if there's one thing i'm confident about, it's a woman's love and respect for a pursuer's healthy digestive system.

-carry around a boom box and props at all times. ladies love public serenades because it makes them feel special and who doesn't like being the center of attention right off the bat and in front of a crowd? songs to consider: jay z's 'girls girls girls', eminem's 'superman', or any daft punk song. the longer the better. it's all about you--i mean her.

-buy and wear a grill. smile. speak if you want, the lisp is totally hot. how much easier can this get?

-quote as much dane cook stand-up as you know. if possible, conduct entire conversations using only this dialogue.
"so, what do you do?"
"i work at the BK lounge"
"the what?"
"OH YEAH! OH YEAH! kool-aid"
"uuhh..."
"wanna go back to my place and watch a moooooovie?"

-girls are easy. all of them. so just go dance, get sweaty, pop a breath mint and get up in that. tongues belong in throats. they love it!

when you feel a lady drifting away from your magnetic urges (weird right? some girls are just off) you need to save face. your reputation is more important than any lady out there. my personal phrase is "dang my peeps be back! here's a cranberry, dime, i gotta snap up with the rest of my dolla!"

you can thank me later.

i'm gonna kill you all kinds of dead

first of all, katia got me stoked on this last night. i'm hitting that shit up on christmas.



second, i did yard work today (read: dragged a crapload of leaves to the curb), and straightened up my place. my place looks super good!



i wanna have people over now.

thanks

let's give thanks that once again, we kicked out and virtually obliterated the native americans. score one former euros!
also, that we're not in mumbai. scary shit and i feel sad about what's happening there while we're all celebrating here.
i was killing time and stumbled upon a few myspace profiles of people that have passed away. too young as always. i'm thankful that those people were able to be here while they were, though they were taken too soon. i'm thankful that i'm alive and happy, and my family and friends are safe.

everyday should be thanksgiving, don't ever forget how lucky you are! even when everything looks like shit.

here is my ultra sincere and failed attempt at thanksgiving vegan carrot cake. have a relaxing day!



now i gotta go to the fam's.

keep quiet.

dating is so hard and awkward. newsflash, i know. dating in richmond? virtually impossible. add a couple more difficult circumstances to my personal situation and you'd be a little put off too.

"oh, it's of me and my best friend". eff that.

i don't want to feel obligated to lie about who i am. it's like ordering food and saying i have a food allergy to ensure that it will be vegan. no, it's not a medical thing, it's who i am. i shouldn't have to pretend i'm someone i'm not in order to get what i ask for or deserve. that's admitting shame, and i am not ashamed.
my friends have hilarious stories about failed dates and awkward romantic situations. outrageous stuff. me, i don't have that. my dating history is sparse. i prefer it that way, but i wish i could at least find humor in what didn't work out. somehow, getting beat up by an ex-boyfriend... not that funny! imagine that!
the most recent visitor on my romantic plane was indeed awkward. i was very outside of my element which i really doubt put them at ease. i dare say they felt the same. as little as we knew each other, i learned a great deal about myself and for that i thank them. i'm not sure how they went away from it, the communication was minimal and could be interpreted in different ways. if i did it again i would have done things differently, but c'est la vie.
casual dating is configured to be as difficult as possible. place two people in a restaurant to make awkward conversation where the silences are plentiful and painful and there is at least one moment where you both start speaking at the same time. staring face-to-face, twiddling thumbs... and then eating in public. eating is probably one of the most attractive things you can do with your face with someone you don't know. i won't even try to depict the discomfort and uncertainty of ending such an evening. i'm sure most of us have been there.
yeah... whoever came up with the dating convention definitely had a penchant for social awkwardness. good job there. it works. if/when there's a next time, can it at least be funny? if i can't be with someone good, i think my enthusiasm and endearment deserve at least that much of a reward.

i might be alone for a long time. right now, i'm feeling okay with that. i am focusing on my life and making it what i want it to be. life is pretty good. honestly, i don't have the desire to ever go on a date with someone new again. i would if someone awesome asked me, and realistically i probably will, but i've had enough awkwardness to last a lifetime.

a girl by any other name

i knew a girl who rarely spoke. she was bright and fascinating. had so much going for her.
i knew a girl who spoke often and loudly. she was bright and fascinating. had so much going for her.

presumably they still do, but for different reasons i don't speak to either of them anymore.

quiet girl's actions spoke loudly and she never needed to. where some quiet people could be meek and pliable, she was stoic and determined. she was not without fault, but her precision and deliberation with which she lived covered up her insecurity so well you'd need x-ray specs to see it. nobody knew the real her and i think she wanted it that way.
brash girl used speaking out as a shield against reality. she was SUCH a feminist, SUCH a radical activist that she treated men like doormats and discarded manners as if they were an antiquated formality used only by the rest of us stodgy-minded folk. she clung to radical ideas to give her a sense of self, to project the 'real' her as she thought it should be.
thinking about both of these women makes me think about language and how it affects us. sometimes i wish i spoke less and with more purpose. i would like my words to pack a heavier punch, but i speak like it's free. i've found that most quiet people i know have all their words inside. for every word they say, there are 100 they haven't said, but have thought. for people like brash girl, they speak 100 words... the same ones they're thinking. they leave no words left for the inside of them, by draining their tongues dry they hope to exhaust the real issues into submission. what i know is that when quiet girl spoke, you listened. brash girl always spoke and it became an aimless drone. quiet girl, you have something i wish i had, the ability to claim respect without claiming anything at all.
we use language to protect ourselves. both of these women have insecurities, but they dealt with them in opposite ways. one internalized while the other violently externalized. both of these habits can fuck you up. how do you know what will be the best for you in the long run? bottle up inside, or explode?
i guess ultimately we're all vulnerable kids. tough as nails on the outside, emo as shit on the inside. i think the core of us never grows older than seven or so years old. deep in the mush of the heart and beneath all the scar tissue and brick walls that the years have accumulated (some of us more than others) we still hope and dream, and want someone to love us unconditionally. we want someone to scoop us up, hold us, and tell us everything will be ok.

at least i do. shit, i ain't frontin'.

humans will never stop fascinating me. i wonder if i'll ever want to stop poking around, trying to figure out how they tick. i'm the most curious person i know.

poke poke poke, proddy prod prod.

when i die, put up a photo of stephanie seymour.

have you ever considered the lyrics to guns 'n' roses 'november rain'? in case you haven't, here ya go. give it a gander.

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain


Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

----

this combined with the angelic squeal of slash's melodic guitar solo is pure heaven. i don't even NEED to mention the crucial break down.

plllleeeease.

fuh

my dog is running back and forth through my house like i lit a fire on her ass. my cats are staring at her like she's the dumbest being to ever walk this earth. i love my cats.

now she's doing the pogo at my cat, thursday. and barking.

get a dog. best decision ever.