15 things

I took this from my buddy superstantial. It is a list of 15 things that I have not told people, each one addressed to someone different. I'm pretty sure almost nobody will ask me about it, since i'm also pretty sure my friends don't know about this blog. that said, like superstantial said, if you read this and are very curious, i (mostly) have no problem telling you if one of them is about you.

1. You are my number 1 cheerleader. it amazes me that someone can see my faults so plainly over the years and still back me so strongly. Sometimes i want to shake you when you act so passive and are convinced that i get everything and you can never ask. you are the yang to my yin, the person i know i could come to at any moment.

2. you are the hugest inspiration to me. your disease has helped to make you the most beautiful person i have ever known. thinking about you ever leaving is a thought i cannot bear. i will never be able to listen to the beatles without thinking of you fondly.

3. sometimes i have a really difficult time respecting you, although you have given me so very much. sometimes i wish i had gotten more of your attention and less of your money. sometimes i crave your company, and then when i'm in it i want to get out. you have given me more opportunities than i could have ever hoped for.

4. although we have had problems in the past, i consider you a close friend and a second mother. i feel so blessed to have you in my life and in his life, too. i do not know what we would do if you were not here. for lack of a better term, you are a godsend to my family.

5. i hate hearing stories about the failed marriage. i wish i could preserve my childhood, and how i saw you then instead of knowing things about you as an adult. nevertheless, you helped give me the most priceless childhood. you helped my imagination grow in ways that nobody else could, and you helped make that time in my life one that i cherish always. sometimes i wish i were 7 again, and you are a big reason why.

6. i wish things weren't so convoluted between us. you mean a lot to me but sometimes i truly want to cut off all ties. and she is really driving a spike between us. our love was once so pure, albeit tame.

7. knowing you has taught me very valuable lessons about myself. i am thankful for that. it's too bad you have not learned one constructive lesson in the 8 years that i have known you. you are still busy tearing people down around you because you can't pull yourself up.

8. i wish we still talked. i wish you didn't feel bad about what happened, because i don't. i think you are happy, and that is all i could ever wish for you. thanks for being you, when we were together.

9. i love you so much, and i feel taken for granted. we've had our ups and downs over the years, and generally speaking we have pulled through and are still close. we have a friend chemistry unlike anyone else i know, and i cherish that greatly. please remember that your closest friends are the ones you should treat the best, not the other way around, because you come before everyone else in my friend book.

10. i'm worried about you. your current actions are not helping you heal from the past. you are hurting people. i love you and i want you to be happy.. i hope that this phase doesn't become more than just that, and that you can forgive and move on.

11. you think in circles. focus on now and i assure you things won't hurt so much. i wish i could help you, but we are just friends. i just hate seeing you so sad.

12. you are out of control and flighty. something may have happened between us, but you cast it aside, and possibly for good reason. doesn't mean i don't still think of you.

13. i am thankful to have spent our recent time together, and i truly hope that we can continue to spend time together in the future.. you have watched me grow up, and i feel that you are fond of me. i am fond of you too, and i'm so glad that you have found the person you will be with forever. i love her too. she is a goddess.

14. our loneliness bonds us. we don't have much in common, but i am very proud of you because you work your fuckin ass off. i'm lucky to know someone concerned with more honorable things than i.. you're a good influence and i have lots to learn from you.

15. i don't know exactly how you feel about me, i wish i did. you don't need to thank me any more. i liked it, and i like you. i feel there's a kindredness between us, and i feel safe with you. i hope that wasn't it, but if it was, then thank you too.

that felt really good. i thought i would be depressed afterwards, but i don't at all. i am lucky to have such incredible people in my life... even the ones who hurt me or hurt themselves have been crucial in my life. word up.