dance dance dance

Man, I am utterly absorbed in this book. I started reading it last week and I'm almost done with it, it's so good. It's not a hard read, but it's also not forgettable. Good stuff.

The attention I've been giving to this book has made it tough to study for my french final. That, and my sister's reborn partying ways. She partied this weekend, and wasn't able to study. While I am trying to study on my own and not rely on her (as I know it appears I do) information sticks better when you're mulling it over with someone else. I need to study!!

I also started a new job today, waitressing at Easy Street. Today was my first day of training, and I actually waited on my first table ever! What a rush. Haha. It was cool though, I think I will enjoy working there. I'm happy to be at a local, independent place rather than a chain. And no super long drive, either. If/when I move back to the fan area, it would only be a short bike ride away.

I may be getting one of my dad's old road bikes. My uncle has them right now, fixed them up several years ago and they've been sitting in his garage ever since. If they're not too big, I'll take one of them and fix it up. They're probably pretty heavy, but I don't care. Of course, this won't help too much unless I live across the river again. To be honest, I'm not going to start out making that trek across the river on a bike. I'm too out of shape and after what happened to Jonny Z on the Nickel Bridge, I just don't really want to go there. So we'll see.

I'm pretty happy right now. I think I will read more book and then sleep.

the far bank

i want to watch a movie. tonight was cold, and i shivered in my car on the way home, unpleasant but loving it because winter is finally coming.

i'm expanding my horizons, reading a lot of fiction and political stuff, and it's great. i'm glad i'm not poring over hours of patterns and sewing for a little bit so that i can feel a bit like an aware member of society for once. not bad, not bad...

i want to watch the virgin suicides, maybe. or maybe something else...

i won't get enough sleep tonight. tomorrow will be fun.

oh by the way, i found this link on bbc world. the doha debates ("Qatar's unique forum for free speech in the arab world") are going on, and that's pretty fuckin cool. i'm glad i got to be a part of tasmeem and could see qatar with my own eyes, literally and sociologically, economically, etc.

The Doha Debates

unsuccessful

I hate failing. I try to learn from it, but I still hate it. I feel this sinking feeling in my chest. I'm trying, in vain, to keep myself out of the hole I've been digging myself all day. It's not woooorkiiiing.

I was going to go out tonight, but I am so stressed out and overwhelmed that I decided to stay in. I feel behind in everything. So much crap happened today (I knew the day was off to a bad start) that made my head hurt. I don't get headaches often, but today my noggin' was a'throbbin'.

Apparently there's some dangerous criminal loose in Richmond. Sometimes I feel a little unsafe where I live. I wish someone else were here with me.

Technically, I really haven't failed. There are just a lot of little challenges being thrown at me. I never dealt with stress well. I would love to be one of those people who was calm under pressure, and operated smoothly even when they had to do five hundred things. I feel like that could really hold me back in the future if I can't get myself under control.

I also don't like the thought that someone might be avoiding me. The internet is a funny one. It shouldn't be taken too seriously. All in all, one fantastically bad day. I try to remind myself that things can always get worse, so I'm glad I didn't almost die or anything.

passion fruit

I am having a crappy day. Here I am, I get home from class and I have to work at 11, which leaves me enough time for... jack shit. I hate working at 11. I have about an hour to do nothing. They have shaved off an hour here and there on everyone's schedules at work, and it's really annoying because I have a trivial amount of time to do nothing of any importance. I could be making money instead. But no. What a waste of time.

I started feeling ill in class... my stomach was upside down and I got really dizzy. I'm not sure what caused it, I didn't eat breakfast and I got up at 6:30 so I guess that could have affected me. My cat inhaled his food and just puked it all up all over my carpet. I also missed the recycling for the second time. I have a bunch of bags outside full of bottles... I'm glad it's not summer (although it's trying, with the weather today) or the flies would have a field day on crusty old beer. I am trying hard to stay optimistic, but this day has just begun and it's already pissing me off.

My final exam for my last class will be either next Thursday or Friday. I have a little over a week to somehow turn myself around. I got my quiz back and it was terrible, I think it was a D. That may have affected how I felt physically, too. I think I had an A before that. He even asked to talk to me after class... of course all he did was ask me what happened. I know what happened, I wasn't prepared for how involved the quiz was and I was not comfortable with the material at all. Fucking sucks. Today is stupid. It's only 10 o'clock.

But no, I shouldn't let myself think that, because then I'm letting my pessimism get the best of me. Sometimes it's easy, to just give up and assume everything has gone to shit. For one day, I guess it wouldn't harm me that much to be annoyed. But then part of me believes that if I believe that, my attitude will make it more likely for things to continue going wrong. I will try to feel better and know that today is just a tiny piece of of my life, microscopic in the grand scheme of things. I refuse to let myself be negatively affected by other people today. And myself. This is when my self-confidence is tested, and I won't give up on myself again. I will keep trudging along... that's what these incidents are for, right? To learn how to be a better, stronger person?

Sure. Let's just go with that, because flowery, inspirational self pep talks will only piss me off right now.

the bell's jarred.

I got a second job as a waitress. Starting Saturday, I'll be out at Short Pump Mall serving greasy burgers to fat families. I am fairly pleased with my choice of introductory food service jobs, but I wish that it wasn't such a far drive. This will do until I am trained and can find another waitressing job in the city.

So now I have a full time job, a part time job, and it's possible I could have another little job a few hours a week on top of that. I never, ever thought I would be a three job person. People with three jobs seem insane and incapable of sleeping. I am extremely capable of sleeping.

With three jobs, how will I be able to embark on my 'real' job: my sewing/drawing? The prospect gives me wrinkles.

I'm considering finding a place back in the fan or museum district area... maybe with a roommate, some kind of place where I have an extra little room for my studio. And somehow have it be cheaper than the place I have now? I just don't know if it's possible. Scratch that, it's possible, but I don't know how probable it will be for me for find a place AND a roommate with which I am happy. The perfect scenario would be to have a two bedroom apartment, with a little sun room type of deal off my bedroom, and a roommate with no pets but who loves (my) cats. Wishful thinking...

If anyone knows any information applying to my wishes, let me know. I don't think I can afford my current place without my mother's financial help. God knows I want to be financially independent sooner rather than later, and it's not out of character for her to make sudden, potentially debilitating decisions, so I must prepare. I have done a poor job of it so far.

I am graduating in two weeks. I cannot believe that I've completed 18 years of schooling. I can't believe I'm actually moving on to the next part of my life. The post-academic part. I wonder if I will ever go back to school? I wouldn't be surprised... as burnt out as I got the last couple years, I can't not learn. I am glad to be the kind of person who craves information, even if it's not always the most scholastic kind. There is so much STUFF in the world, and even if you try to cram it all in, you can't even begin to experience it all. At worst, this expansive idea is depressing, and at best, awe-inspiring and invigorating. I try to go with the latter, because let's be honest, depression gets really old after awhile.

Alright, that's all for now. There are not enough hours in the day.

Richmond, how you fail to tame my nomadic heart.

Oh, the places you’ll go! That Dr. Seuss book was given to me by my Uncle Bill when I graduated from high school, and I have thought about it a lot over the years.

I have been struggling to operate under the path that the fashion department outlines for its students. Its a path of excitement, initial hardship, insomnia and inevitable New York.

I’m sorry, but I am just not that interested in permanently uprooting and (un)settling into a city that I am only interested in visiting. I never have been, but I have told myself that I only live once and that I should consider the advice that others give me. New York, I just don’t think you are for me.

I cannot bear the thought of staying in Richmond 12 months out of the year, until I die. I need Europe, I need travel. I need it. So... I really need a way to make things happen the way I want. Game plan so far is to stay put, work my ass off, establish some sort of small business that I feel good about, and get to travel extensively. Easy!

I want to feel like I’m making a difference, but I don’t need to be a huge figure head, I prefer no fame. Fame is for people who need constant acceptance, constant approval. I know that those I care about will always approve of me overall. Everyone has their annoying quirks or selfish, rude habits, but I was raised by a family who had faith in me, so I don’t think that the world needs to tell me too. I can make a difference on a small scale. People often forget that the tiniest change can make a huge difference... the key is to remember that you may not always see it. You have to trust that what you’re doing is making that small ripple. It’ll turn into a splash someday, whether by you or by your cohorts and followers.

So while I am sure some people are disappointed that I will not make my permanent arrival in NYC anytime soon, have faith! This is not me succumbing to the Richmond curse, I promise. This is me devising the right plan for me, as patchy and spotty as it may be. Ya dig?

Oh, the places I’ll go!

Literary Devices.

Many of us like to talk like we know what we're saying. Half the time, I don't think we do.

It's a rarity, those who do. What's more astonishing is finding someone who is not only academically on point, but someone who is unaware of her bounty, someone who places little importance on her individuality rather than the information itself. When I find someone like this, it's like receiving an unexpected present that I doubt I deserve. I have yet to master my awkwardness around easy brilliance.

Perhaps it's because of this that I have recently plunged myself face first into books. The evolution of books is a mystery to me. I am fascinated by the writer, and how a writer creates, because I don't understand it. I know that no two writers are the same, they each have their own developed ways of reaching their goals. I also know that usually the journey to the finished product is more fulfilling and eye-opening. I especially know the feeling that many writers probably have thinking a project is done, but never really done. How do you know when to walk away?

I want to believe that writing is extremely intuitive, and I know that in some cases this is mostly true. I like to focus on the intuitive aspect in everything. Intuition is strong in me(clearly, modesty sometimes takes a backseat), and creatively my little driving force has rarely steered me astray. But as lazy as I would like to be, every work of genius is just that: work. Conversely, I eagerly wish to be one of the tireless artists. The artists who eats, sleeps, dreams her work. As I've shifted my priorities in life over the past year, I have seen that part of me evolve and begin to come to the surface, but I have a long way to go still.

I was praised for my academic writing growing up, while secretly feeling like a fraud. Growing up in a household of writers can do that to you, I guess. I knew that I enjoyed writing and despised revision. I felt my literary work was one-dimensional. I left literary research to the rest of my family members, pursuing fine art instead. When my sister and my novelist step-father were in meetings with other young writers, I was off drawing pictures of Victorian ladies. I could blame this on my age, but that would be too easy. My older sister had taken to writing like a puppy to fetch, and it was clear to me that my step-father was happy to take her under his nerdy wing. I went to find my own niche. Was I afraid I wasn't smart enough? Or that there was only room for one of us? Perhaps she experiences the same feelings when she abandoned drawing (despite her undeniably unique style) once I started getting recognition for my impeccably drawn red hearts in kindergarten. Why fight when you know someone is better? It's a sad way to look at endeavor.

My own writing veers towards personal dissection, which quite frankly reminds me of my mother. This, you are allowed to assume, is not a good thing. I am afraid that if I write about my life, it will be obvious how presumptuous and self-involved I am. I do not want to follow in some of the sadder footsteps of my talented female predecessors, who despite their given gifts have essentially disgraced themselves professionally in the eyes of others. I refuse to become a woman who's life's work is piecing together the meaning of her life's work.

That said, does anyone have any suggestions for reading material? I need some easy brilliance...

green back

anyone know how i can make some extra money? legally, fast and without quitting my job at the salon? i'm strugglin'.

a couple nights ago my friends suggested i start waiting tables. the thing i hate about waitressing is that it's all about experience, and you have to start at one place to get to your goal. any suggestions on where to start looking?

throw me some ideas, or i might have to resort to unsavory means. the streets can't handle this.

semamana

when i was about 13, a little girl in wisconsin critisized our accents.

we were galactic aliens as far as she was concerned. who did we think we were, pronouncing the 'ow' in 'shower', and 'o' like an o instead of an a in popcorn?

accents are a fascinating concept. people use them to base so many judgments. accents can enthrall, fascinate, repel and seduce others. personally, i think some southern accents are rather charming, and more and more lately i hear the south coming out on my tongue like the impromptu confederate soldier parade that me and my fellow fashion students candidly witnessed in may. my "ya'll's" are the drums, a basis for my speak. my r's are sugar, that makes words sound sweet. the accent i have isn't an old richmond southern belle one, but it's not a redneck chester type either. i like to think it's a lucky one.

i wonder if that little girl ponders her own accent, if she has yet admitted that she has one, or if she hates it. i believe that one who hates (and will attempt to change) their own accent is likely to be one who doesn't like their home town, and possibly therefore what makes them them.

good night, ya'll.

rhyming catastrophe

i deleted this entry. some of you may have already read it, but i decided i sounded too much like an angsty high schooler.

i had a good time hanging out last night for halloween. hillary was daria, i was jane, seth was trent, and katia and kc were beavis and butthead. nobody knew right off who hillary and i were, but most people were amused once we enlightened them.

i lost ten pounds! it's cool that i'm actually doing it. i put on some pants today that now fit a little looser in the waist. now that i'm on a roll, it's really not that hard. i definitely need to go to the gym more, but it's been difficult with all the traveling i've been doing and will still be doing.

guys are still dense, and i am still picky. i still have a best friend who, despite my feeling of being equal to her, gains more attention from dudes than me. i try to look on the bright side by telling myself that when i get involved with someone, i know it won't be just because of my looks, whereas she has a lot more weeding out (of douche bags) to do. i know saying this may seem like i don't think highly of my looks, but i do. it's just that i also realize that my looks are very distinctive, and aren't considered conventionally attractive. so that's how i'm trying to stay optimistic. sometimes i still just want to punch people in the face when all they see is her, and i'm like what the fuck dude? i am awesome too. so fuck you for not seeing it.

i want to do a cross country road trip. who wants to go?? i'm thinkin' sometime after i graduate in december...

i think i might have to turn my heat on soon. another winter season is fast upon us. i have been thoroughly enjoying wearing my pink jumpin' ducks adult footie pajamas the last few chilly nights though. see? i totally have mad sex appeal.

ideas are swirling around beneath the surface of everyday life, and i am excited. art, music, all things creative are what i look forward to these days. and going to miami on thursday. i am sure i will blend in fluidly with all the tan, beachy people there.

to all my gracious readers

call me bob

i chopped all of my hair off.

i need a good photo of it.

traveling thoughts

when using an escalator, i cannot resist wrapping my fingers around the rubber banister and seeing if i will get electrically shocked when my fingertips touch the moving metal below it. if i have indeed come across one of these shocking escalators, i always keep touching it and shocking myself despite the knowledge that i won't like it.

whoever designed 'quickpick' snackbox ($5) had a cruel sense of humor, embodied by the pungent smells of each snack packed into that box that overpowered me and made me imagine myself hovering over the aisle companion next to me and making dry heaving sounds onto him. munching away...

i was waiting at gate A6 for the absurdly short (forty minute) flight from d.c. to richmond, watching a girl in the terminal waiting area two seats next to me reading a book and sniffing on her fingers. we all do it, the finger sniffing, but speaking of it offends us.

either the grandmother of the asian family sitting in front of me, or the infant, had intensely bad gas.

take it from peaches...

fuck this situation.

in the ass, with a broomstick covered in brambles.

seriously. i deserve so much fucking better than i have been getting, and i'm taking this bullshit into my hands because i know it's true and i'm sick and tired of people being blind.

it's time to play this goddamned awful game.

yumyums

i ended up getting an A on my test. but i still feel lost in my class, and i need to do much more studying. we have an oral quiz on thursday... eww.

here are photos from dinner sunday. i only got photos of the food, none of us, haha.






folk festival is this weekend... and cat power is sunday/monday. good schtuff.

speaking of cat power... here is thursday in the cute kitty shot of the week:



it was so difficult trying to pick the best one!

campagne deuxieme

I have a new appreciation for Oilville/Goochland County.

Cassie and I spent a splendid evening with Seth (and more fuzzily, fifty alpacas) last night.

It had been a really long time since I could see the stars that clearly... I had forgotten what it was like to get outside of the city and see that.

Here is my newly revised life plan:

-Move to a big city and 'experience life' and shit
-Become successful...and shit
-Find someone I wanna chill with for the rest of my life
-Come back to Richmond and have a house in the city, or maybe just a farm with all my favorite aminals.. I'll be all retired and chill and mess.

Children are optional, but I do have a sneaking suspicion that I will pop out a few of those little wrinkly aliens.

Great plan, right?

However, the (more feasible) plan for today is this:

-Prepare dinner for my ex-step dad Dennis, his girlfriend Sarah, and Katia. the menu is below
-Straighten up my hoose
-If time permits, check out the wine festival in Carytown
-Late night homework-ination

Autumnal Dinner Party Menu (mostly vegan style)

Roasted acorn squash with brown sugar and fake butter
Toasted quinoa salad with lemon and fresh herbs
End of summer red and yellow tomato salad with basil

Homemade brownies a la mode

I love cooking.. possibly more than I like eating. Is that possible?

I also tried out using proper capitalization in this post. I'm trying it on for size. I feel so proper.

campagne

+1: i made a giant pot of lentil soup today.
+1: i started my water aerobics class today and i love it and am excited to do more.
-1: progress is slow and i'm pessimistic.
-1: i am not prepared for my test tomorrow morning.
-1: my skin is completely broken out again. it makes me feel disgusting.
+1: getting to see william elliott whitmore on friday.
-1: wondering if i will ever have a real connection with someone, romantically, ever again.
-1: wondering if me wondering is hindering any chance of that happening.
+1: hanging out with alpacas sunday.
-1: being broke as shit.
-1: not yet selling any jewelry.


UGH

i want a manual camera. there have been too many priceless things i've been seeing around richmond of which to take photos.

i think i have a habit of updating when i'm feeling shitty. i'm sorry about that. i promise i do think about more interesting things than myself. every once in a while.

guuuuys

who would have though that mentioning non-netflix movies would produce the most responses from my readers?

ok, well.. what am i supposed to do, cancel my subscription and go with the 'flix? so far the only movie that they haven't had that i've wanted is once, and that's hopefully because it's not out on dvd yet.

anywaaaaays.

who's going to the italian festival tomorrow? me!
who's going to the state fair on monday? me!
who's going to the national folk festival starting on the 12th? me!

hurray.

i like zooey deschanel and emily blunt. just sayin'.

who wants to see across the universe with me?

one of the stylists at work is going to apply eyelash extensions on me. i'm excited, because i'd love to look all long lashy and shit, and it's free. i just have to make sure i don't get ones that will make me look like a drag queen. or else i'll look like a drag queen for two or three weeks. sweet!

i was delighted to find broccolini at the store last night, so i think i'm going to make garlicky broccolini and tandoori chicken. and i'm going to make some frozen yogurt, too. i look forward to having a significant other that enjoys eating (unlike my last ex) because cooking is fun, but not so much for one.

ttyl omgomg!

because there's nothing else to do.

i said goodbye to a friend yesterday. i don't look forward to saying goodbye to more friends. i hate it, but i will have to do it anyway.

there is nobody out there to help me... to give me the help i need. i am very discouraged. at least i am honest with myself. i haven't always been, and i wanted to see potential in people where it didn't exist. but now i know that there is nobody there.

i'm struggling to manage life. when one source of stress diminishes, another grows.

i have blockbuster online now, and i'm excited to start getting movies in the mail. i have volver and factory girl on their way.

the state fair starts this weekend. i want to go. who wants to eat fried twinkies? awe yeah.

you can all relax now.

So i know it's been forever, and although i have only gotten one complaint about my lack of posting, i am sure there are throngs of you who are disappointed and perhaps even worried about my absence.

i went to new york last weekend. it was fun. it was laid back. i had a good time, but i do think that next time i go i want to do more, go to a party or somethin. but i can't complain about getting copious amounts of sleep.

other than new york... i've been working and still going to class. whoo!! exciting.

i want to start making earring cards and selling my jewelry again... i don't have an ideal way to get the word out about my stuff, but i'm going to try. cuz i need money, muthah. i also want to do more real illustration... in nyc, mark, liz and i went to dr. sketchy's and drew akynos, an insanely voluptuous burlesque dancer. it inspired me, as life drawing always does. i would like to date someone who will pose for me so that i can really draw from life for extended periods of time. i'll scan in some of the drawings for you guys to see if you're interested. and who's not interested in a curvy, black, fro-ed, corseted burlesque dancer in a school girl uniform? call me crazy...

i'm enjoying life right now. i get to see my fam and friends on a regular basis and my stress level is low. my mom is coming into town on monday or tuesday... it should be interesting. it'll be nice to see her i think, although she will be coming from seeing sheri and that will be bad. sheri is my mom's best friend and has terminal cancer. so mom may be upset. we'll see how it goes.

man, the real world is so far removed from how it began... just sayin'...

i am thrilled about the beginning of fall. i get to wear boots. i get to drink tea. it's fantastic. it's a bit warm again now, but hopefully it will start smelling like fall outside. i really really want to walk around richmond in the fall with someone. let's go to forest hill park, or even to carytown, i don't even care, as long as it's not short pump or anything. i love this town, and i'm going to leave it, so let's take advantage of it. and i am planning an apple-picking trip which will surely result in apple cobbler. mmmmmmmmmmm fall.

i want to see across the universe. as much as i dislike beatles songs performed by anyone other than the beatles, i do like evan rachel wood and the psychedelic imagery. i really like to go to the movies, and i probably do it twice a year.

i feel like this entry is lackluster... like i'm just listing shit i've done recently, or would like to do. hmm. contentness makes for boring blogs.

fucking real world.

hey ya'll

i am very tired.

why

why do i not give a shit? and somehow give a big huge shit at the same time?


why am i crazy? i never could operate the way people said it was socially acceptable to operate.


mmm... i've been drinking. goodnight!

here are some events

-i gained all the weight i lost two weeks ago. buckle the fuck down, me.

-i started my last class of my college career. 8 am classes monday through thursday. hurray.

-i cooked some intensely delicious food and baked an awesome cake (of which i am sharing but not eating much of, yay!)


yeah. the blogs are dead! I miss reading people's blogs. it's sad.

i'm pretty happy right now, despite the weight thing. maybe that's why i don't have as much to say. i had a good weekend, saw some friends. and starting in september i'm getting every other saturday off, which i am thrilled about.

my overall schedule is really laid back compared to the past two years.

and my ma just got helios for me, her and katia. i'm stoked about that.

i still wish i had a roommate, but i hang out with my friends a lot and my cats are happy, so shit, you know, i'm happy too.

ode to an ego

you are a coward.

do you really think that i would be crushed to find out what's been going on? i don't give a crap about that, but i do care that you seem to think you would have that big of an impact on me. especially for something so dumb. i am offended that you don't seem to think i have my own life here. what is going on in new york is only a fraction of what i care about.

you didn't need to ignore me, because i have gotten over the situation. honestly, i just wanted to be friends with you again and forget the bullshit that happened. your assumption that i would be so hurt, so hurt that you avoid talking to me, just goes to show how incredible you think you are. i didn't want to think you were that narcissistic.

i have more worthy prospects to pine over, if pining was what i wanted to do. your sorry ass obviously wasn't worth the effort since you act like i'm on a lower level than you.

i am frustrated that i let myself get involved with you again, physically and emotionally. you don't deserve my affection. i deserve so much better, and my friends tried to tell me that at the time. i believe it now.

that said... maybe i'll see you around and we can laugh about it. i don't hate you, because i know that this is just the person you are. i am disappointed in myself for not making better decisions. another life lesson learned.

something to strive for

i want these boots. bad. rill bad.




early christmas present?! graduation?! ...must... save... money.

tectonic fever

having fun will just have to do for now. and i will do it convincingly. i will learn to enjoy it.

the internet is like a ghost town recently. that is a good thing, since i actually finished a book. a damn fine book it was, too.

i also have a few giant piles of miscellaneous paperwork and other crap on my desk, daring me to sit down and deal with it. is tonight the night?

i had my last shift at williams-sonoma today. it was sentimental. and i was happy to leave. one job, one class, less stress. school starts on thursday, and i'm not so much looking forward to the 8 am classes everyday. but it will be good. no more school. thus begins the next stage of my life. and i intend to push aside all reservations and bite off that big apple with fucking relish (the emotion, not pickle. i'm not preggers here). i guess i should start thinking about interviews and shit... but not for a few more months. i'm going to enjoy myself, enjoy richmond before i go.

and where will i go? probably ny. i yet again feel that it's at least necessary to get out of richmond and i would still like to pursue some sort of career in illustration. i love it too much to not try. two of my closest friends are moving there, so that's another reason why ny would be a logical choice. i think it will still take a few more trips up there to convince me, though. i feel like the career idea that i had for richmond, which is starting a sustainable accessory company, will still be available if things don't work out for me in a different city. the last thing i want is to let opportunity and youth pass me by. i have a thing about not wanting to be resentful about my past, so i am doing everything in my power to be assertive and pro-active about my future. so ny, you motherfucker, watch out for i may attempt to tame you.

i feel good. i am happy. i have been thinking about selling half my stuff and selling my car. it will be cathartic, even though my car is fucking nice and i love to drive. i could definitely use the money if i'm going to ny. buffer money is always a good call.

plus, i've always wanted to live in a place where you walk a lot. i loved walking everywhere in florence. one of my fondest memories was just exploring the city, walking, forcing to take everything in because you're going slowly. it makes me more aware and calm. unfortunately i am a complete wimp to extreme heat or cold though. i don't actually mind being cold, but i can be clumsy and lose my footing easily when treading on fallen precipitation. i'm not a fan. but with the good comes the bad, and in a way the bad is also good. i am so eloquent.

i am excited and my heart feels kind of funny when i think of the future. i know it will be so good for me to leave my home town for more than 4 months. it's scary, but a good kind of scary. maybe i'll someday have the balls to move to paris, too. despite my father.

i know this is going to sound mega goth, but last night as i was going to sleep i started thinking about death and dying, and for the very first time ever, i was able to get through the fear i feel and actually think i might be okay with it. at this rate, maybe by the time it actually happens, i won't be afraid. maybe this means i am finally starting to let go of control, and be at peace with the way life is. and that if i don't get what i want, life is still good.

man. is anyone out there? hear me?

too cold

i don't like learning little life lessons. i want things to be the way I want them to be. apparently i am a small child, since i don't understand why they can't!

i need to force myself to do the right thing, mentally. i think i can, but i still wish i didn't have to. i wish i were the type of person who doesn't think about stuff too much, and is more casual about personal issues when it is appropriate. alas, that's always been a struggle for me.

i want what i want.

maybe you're right, but this is MY song

hellllloooooo!

can you believe it's been three whole DAYS since i last updated?

anyhoo, what's been up, let's see... not too much, been working and hanging out and shite, the usual. i worked at williams-sonoma today... my last day is next sunday. one more shift and i'm DONE! it feels weird, but good. i hugged two of my bosses there today. strange stuff.

i also got some adult, responsible shit done today. that is good, although i have quite a bit more to do. i'm on my way. feeling better and less anxious. i might even say chill. in a marina kind of way.

i am definitely facing some money issues. i'm trying not to worry about it and instead just budget my money intelligently, since worrying won't get me anywhere, as i know from experience. i really, really need to buckle down on my habits if i'm going to move to ny. this shit won't fly otherwise. i think in order not to go overboard with the spending, the eating and the procrastination, i need to find something that gives me joy and is healthy. sex? that would be great, but i'm in no position (hyuk hyuk) to be getting any of that right now. i should draw more. that almost always makes me feel good. i have also been reading more, which i enjoy. most drugs and dangerous activities don't interest me much, but my hedonistic tendencies have always managed to screw me nevertheless.

i'm sorry, but it's just too much fun to eat a lot, fuck a lot, drink and do whatever else we're not supposed to do. although i wouldn't mind having some of that 'love' business i hear about. i have become more and more convinced that i haven't experienced a good romantic love. my first boyfriend was awesome and we were good for each other at the time, as dramatically angsty and ridiculous as we were. i still love him but it's a soft, muted love. i was not mature enough to deal with the relationship correctly and for a few years after that i wished i had had another chance. i went from that to an insane, unbalanced and psychotic love. and i experienced both physical and mental abuse for the first time in my life. there was plenty of passion, but not in any of the right ways. nobody knew how to push my buttons like him, and boy did he love to do it. anything to make me feel bad about myself, anything to convince me that nobody loved me or wanted to be around me but him. typical story of an abusee becoming an abuser. i will always wonder why i was so dense for so long... it took me WAY too long to wake up and get the fuck out for good. but those guys, they can be charming when they want. now i look at him and wonder how i ever, EVER fell for it.

my last relationship was another lingering one. that love was a restrained one. we had communication problems, and i always felt like he was holding himself back from me. if i give myself to you, i expect for you to do the same. and yes, i fucked up too, but if we couldn't repair it, then we shouldn't have tried. i came away from it feeling discouraged. my time had been wasted trying to make it work.

and so, i cannot deny that i have ever loved, but i am still unsure of whether i have ever fallen head over heels IN love. i know that some people would say "if you doubt it, then you never have been in love". I feel like i was in love in my second relationship, as fucked up as it was. since it was so fucked up, i don't think i could ever use that as a reference point in the future. my first and third boyfriends i still love, but not in a romantic way. the first one i feel 100% platonic with, and me and the third one are rather estranged, right now. someday we will probably hang out again, but we pissed each other off pretty bad.

rambling again. this is what i love to do.

i want a healthy love. if i don't fall IN love, i'd at least like to love and feel happy about it. i want to communicate freely and give myself over to someone who gives themselves to me. i want to share myself and learn about them. i want humor, respect, tenderness, excitement, playfulness, passion, joy, and of course naughtiness. i want to adore someone. i want to surrender myself to someone who deserves me. i want to wonder what i did to deserve someone so great.

man, i topped the emo-meter tonight eh?

whatever will be, will be.

i didn't expect to start talking about this kind of stuff tonight... i was just thinking i would update my blog, but i didn't have too much to say.

ah well. goodnight!!

quickie

today was work as usual. there was some raunchy talk at work today. it was great. and it wasn't even me who started it.

there's a steamy, hot thunderstorm starting right now. you know how much i love those. if only there was someone to go out there with...

and i look hot tonight. always a perk, right? mmm, modesty...

nice rhyme.

now i'm going out to dinner with my buddy kyle. deuces!

unzip your skin, let me climb into you

losing weight is hard.

...and i'm up for the challenge. it's the only problem i've had that i haven't learned to overcome.

but not for long.

*points accusingly to belly* you watch. WATCH.

i gave some junk food to my parents to get rid of it. and i resisted popcorn and root beer floats at work tonight. one day at a time, right?

sorry friends, but don't offer me a beer, or a cheese fry, or whatever. i will say no, but why tempt me?

fuck yeah.

oh yeah, and go here. it's great.

awesome commercial.

door knock? kthx!

tonight, i had a revelation about the type of person i am.

for years i have been told by everyone (with the exception of my mother maybe) that an aspect of my personality is not appropriate for a girl/young lady. and even if they didn't tell me that, it was inferred based on the general societal female ideal.

but i'm not fucking like that, and i never will be. instead of resisting, feeling like i should resist or feel guilty, i should embrace it.

i know some of my friends and family would be like "wtf marina? you don't seem to have a problem being assertive" and yeah, i know i don't seem to. but doubt has always been inside me, wondering why i don't find the same happiness as others. the idea that some people might actually really appreciate and/or enjoy that trait in me, is like a weird dawning of a concept. it's very exciting to me. i feel like part of my life could just be starting. a part that has been dormant, much to my chagrin and attempts to wake it up.

i think one of the reasons i have felt this satisfying click of realization is because i had never considered the possibility of fitting into a niche. and then being able to study that niche, and how people interact with the understanding that these people have these traits. strangely, the idea of somewhat being a 'type' calms me... i think it's because i can then find information about it and it makes much more sense to me. my whole life i have assumed that i was kind of a freak in this area, because i never knew exactly what i was. whatever it was, it didn't seem acceptable, so i tried to push it away. turns out, that's exactly the wrong thing to do. duh. i do fit in, although every person has their own nuances and ways they do things that make them different people. i am not destined to blindly reach out and never find any satisfaction, because now i feel a direction. this could be great.

...you know what else is great? this:



p.s. who wants to take guesses at what the fuck i am talking about in this entry? stab at it.

oh. uh oh!

my hormones are awesome lately... my bc got all messed up and now i'm off of it indefinitely, and then this song came on and it made me happy:

It's a scene from the movie.
It's an aisle at the store.
It's the view of a canyon.
The sound of a sword.

It's an orchard of peaches.
Your wife in the shower.
While you wait for appointments.
Or as you walk through the park.

Oh. uh oh. Erection.

You know it's not only love dear.
That can flip the switch up.
You know it probably should be.
Maybe god fucked it up.

Oh. uh oh. Erection.

It boiled up like a tower.
A monument in the park.
It's the cock of a rifle.
A memory in the dark.

You tried to keep it a secret.
But now the world's gonna know.
You tried for perfection.

But then oh, uh oh. erection.
oh. uh oh. erection.


i did laundry today. i will be proud if i get it folded tonight.

hung out with katia yesterday. it was fun. tonight i danced by myself until i got all sweaty, and then chuckled at the thought of someone spying on me. i'm so fucking intimidating.

the only thing that was lacking this weekend was the amount of hangouttage. and that's partly my fault. and partly because i had to work. and partly because there wasn't anything crazy fun going on. hmp.

that's about it from this side of the river. i'm gonna go dance and ignore my laundry a little longer.

seriously guys

ok, first things first, why has my poll not been flooded with votes?

two people? two? stop being all scared about me knowing you wanna hook up with me, cuz i know ya'll are out there. don't be skerred. i won't bite ;-)

this week has been pretty good so far. i've been lucky to hang out with a variety of friends. i went to my coworker's dildo infused birthday party on saturday, only to meet up with a completely different (yet equally loved) group of friends at the bamboo later that night. then i vegged in my own dirt sunday and monday i went to kitchen 64 and then the triple to play pool. i was so horribly off my game at pool, i disgusted myself. simply disgusted. last night a bunch of us watched zodiac, which was good but far too long. luckily, it imparted us with some choice quotes. "before i kill you, i'm going to throw your baby out the window" and of course, robert downey jr is always funny. can he ever play someone other than his own character?

tonight i went to what was supposed to be a party, but ended up being several people struggling to play kings. which is fine, but kyle and i weren't drinking and i had eaten a bowl of oatmeal and a package of fig newtons way earlier today, and my stomach was vocally empty. so i filled it up scalding hot potato skins at fourth st (to those who aren't lucky rva natives, that's the city's roach infested 24 hour diner), while kyle, hillary and i discussed the ratio of people who spit vs. swallow. we were perfectly content amusing ourselves with discussions of sexual acts, but this crazy methed out shirtless white guy had to get all the attention by yelling and picking a fight with the cook, and subsequently punching and kicking the glass door multiple times on his way out. cops showed up, but he was already gone. i needed to get out of there before they noticed my car inspection negligence, so we deuced out.

i have to get up ass early tomorrow to go to a one hour body care product class at the salon at eight, and then i go back to work at 3:30 pm. whack. then i get paid friday, and i have the day off. fly times.

i'm putting in my two weeks notice at williams-sonoma on sunday. i am nervous because i have never quit a job before. i always just left because of school, or like with the tobacco program, the program ended. this will be the first time i have to quit. but the salon is giving me more hours, like 35 a week, so with class i think i don't want the added stress of WS, especially when the holidays roll around. the holidays at WS are rather hellish.

seriously... i want to do karaoke. i have never done it before, excluding karaoke revolution! i know, it's hard to believe. i would love it. one or two drinks = marina is a total ham. so yeah, let's do that sometime soon, people. i'll serenade to you. it'll be really sexy, crooning-like. oooh girl.

naptime!

hey guess what?

wtf? fuck my bitching. what's my problem? i need to have some fun!

i bet once i stop worrying about shit, it'll fix itself anyway. and even if not, i have to remind myself that when the time is right, things will happen for me. i deserve to have a good time, and if other people don't help me reach that goal, that's fine. just know that i am a really good friend, so if you decide to have me, i don't think you would regret it.

i'm going to dance to bad pop music some more, and think about how much i love this:



and my all time fave:

rut stuck

i am all sad and defeated feeling. wtf? should i give up?

fix it. somebody. i want this to go right. i am tired of waiting.

basil kinda smells like B.O.

my cat kiki specializes in making people's days a little bit better and brighter. case in point:



yes, i know you are jealous and want a feline companion such as mine.

also, i let my boss tweak my haircut. now i look like a monk. a hot monk, but a monk all the same:



yeah. def gonna be growing the sides of that shit out.

i am bored. i'm going to read my book.

my god...

... i love my friends. what did i do to deserve such amazing people??

i reek of cigarette smoke and my teeth are gritty from sugar and alcohol, and i am pleased.

passin' over and out.

it's official

i have officially put in my time off requests. traveling times are as follows:

nyc - 9/13-9/17
seattle - 10/17-10/21
miami - 11/01-11/03

if only i went to california, i'd be hitting all four corners of this fantastic country.

i have places to stay in seattle and miami, but not nyc yet. who wants to house me?! i promise i'll prove a good time.

mark your calendar for my tour date near you. some hangouttage is in order.

blanket like an envelope, send me away

i just perused banksy's website for about an hour, instead of doing any of the several things i 'should' do.

i need to go to the museum/library more. i prefer the museum. the library always overwhelms me, despite having the library guide tell us how to navigate it freshman year. plus, the few times i went to the library have been when i was on frantic research quests for writing classes. i wish that the hunt for new material (art, music, books) excited me... usually i just stumble upon it or someone tells me. i have been trying to do stuff that involves richness of mind rather than richness of pocket. it's a tough swing.

anyone wanna go to the museum with me?

it is sometimes difficult to know whether one is just in a funk, or needs help. i have been struggling a lot lately.. i sleep too much, i'm not keeping house at all, i feel anxious all the time, i'm missing my appointments... it's just a phase, right? i wish that i had a roommate, i think that would help. i feel like i'm in a hammock that is hanging too low, and i can't get enough energy to propel myself out. the only thing that worries me is that this has been going on since last year...

i wish my coworker would quit. how dare she ask a favor of me? stop smacking your gum in my ear, and say thank you for once in your self-righteous, mistakenly entitled life and maybe, MAYBE, we won't all hate you. move back to virginia beach where you belong.

peace, love, harmony and beauty. no judgment here.

trying to be content, here and now. i can't shake the feeling of dissatisfaction, but maybe that is good for an artist? i don't like using that label for myself, but designer seems too impersonal. desirtist? artigner?

i want to make the world fall asleep and hop naked along the river rocks on a hot day. i want to be seven and have my stuffed animals talk to me. narrow pleasures are what i seek.

and boobies. oh wait...

this one isn't funny, sorry.

i miss playing piano.

it makes me feel like i have something to say. like i can speak love.

i need a workspace, a studio. but i am just making excuses, because i have an aversion to work. my alarms don't wake me up anymore. sleep gives me headaches. i complain all day, and my heart flutters.

why do i hold myself back?

i don't want to try because i am afraid that all i have been praised for my whole life, is a lie. and i know it, i can see the transparence of my work. i don't want to be found out. sometimes i think i already have, and i'm the only person who is in denial. or just scared.

i want something more than anything... tell me what it is?

i should play again.

i wish i could be the feeling of watching my cats dream.

another notch in my emo post

today, i see life as a lonely, beautiful fuck.

but i look on the bright side. i can take a shit and feel on boobs at the same time. my own blessed ones, at that. generally i would sooner reach for a magazine, but i like having the option.

so maybe life is good.

15 things

I took this from my buddy superstantial. It is a list of 15 things that I have not told people, each one addressed to someone different. I'm pretty sure almost nobody will ask me about it, since i'm also pretty sure my friends don't know about this blog. that said, like superstantial said, if you read this and are very curious, i (mostly) have no problem telling you if one of them is about you.

1. You are my number 1 cheerleader. it amazes me that someone can see my faults so plainly over the years and still back me so strongly. Sometimes i want to shake you when you act so passive and are convinced that i get everything and you can never ask. you are the yang to my yin, the person i know i could come to at any moment.

2. you are the hugest inspiration to me. your disease has helped to make you the most beautiful person i have ever known. thinking about you ever leaving is a thought i cannot bear. i will never be able to listen to the beatles without thinking of you fondly.

3. sometimes i have a really difficult time respecting you, although you have given me so very much. sometimes i wish i had gotten more of your attention and less of your money. sometimes i crave your company, and then when i'm in it i want to get out. you have given me more opportunities than i could have ever hoped for.

4. although we have had problems in the past, i consider you a close friend and a second mother. i feel so blessed to have you in my life and in his life, too. i do not know what we would do if you were not here. for lack of a better term, you are a godsend to my family.

5. i hate hearing stories about the failed marriage. i wish i could preserve my childhood, and how i saw you then instead of knowing things about you as an adult. nevertheless, you helped give me the most priceless childhood. you helped my imagination grow in ways that nobody else could, and you helped make that time in my life one that i cherish always. sometimes i wish i were 7 again, and you are a big reason why.

6. i wish things weren't so convoluted between us. you mean a lot to me but sometimes i truly want to cut off all ties. and she is really driving a spike between us. our love was once so pure, albeit tame.

7. knowing you has taught me very valuable lessons about myself. i am thankful for that. it's too bad you have not learned one constructive lesson in the 8 years that i have known you. you are still busy tearing people down around you because you can't pull yourself up.

8. i wish we still talked. i wish you didn't feel bad about what happened, because i don't. i think you are happy, and that is all i could ever wish for you. thanks for being you, when we were together.

9. i love you so much, and i feel taken for granted. we've had our ups and downs over the years, and generally speaking we have pulled through and are still close. we have a friend chemistry unlike anyone else i know, and i cherish that greatly. please remember that your closest friends are the ones you should treat the best, not the other way around, because you come before everyone else in my friend book.

10. i'm worried about you. your current actions are not helping you heal from the past. you are hurting people. i love you and i want you to be happy.. i hope that this phase doesn't become more than just that, and that you can forgive and move on.

11. you think in circles. focus on now and i assure you things won't hurt so much. i wish i could help you, but we are just friends. i just hate seeing you so sad.

12. you are out of control and flighty. something may have happened between us, but you cast it aside, and possibly for good reason. doesn't mean i don't still think of you.

13. i am thankful to have spent our recent time together, and i truly hope that we can continue to spend time together in the future.. you have watched me grow up, and i feel that you are fond of me. i am fond of you too, and i'm so glad that you have found the person you will be with forever. i love her too. she is a goddess.

14. our loneliness bonds us. we don't have much in common, but i am very proud of you because you work your fuckin ass off. i'm lucky to know someone concerned with more honorable things than i.. you're a good influence and i have lots to learn from you.

15. i don't know exactly how you feel about me, i wish i did. you don't need to thank me any more. i liked it, and i like you. i feel there's a kindredness between us, and i feel safe with you. i hope that wasn't it, but if it was, then thank you too.

that felt really good. i thought i would be depressed afterwards, but i don't at all. i am lucky to have such incredible people in my life... even the ones who hurt me or hurt themselves have been crucial in my life. word up.

SUUSI and other attractions

yeah yeah yeah, fucka myspace. and fuck it being the only way to stay in touch with certain people. someday i will live without it. someday when i live on a giant commune with all the people i love and we all talk through a giant system of tin cans.

suusi is a unique experience, even from itself year to year. this year had a mellow feeling (despite unfortunately inevitable dumb drama) and my week didn't feel like it had started until wednesday, for reasons mostly unknown. maybe because that's when i stopped sleeping. i feel so special to know the people i see at suusi every year. even the ones that i barely talk to. ya'll make my heart swell. real life is like my prilosec, it stops the burn.

i started to feel extremely anxious and sad tonight. I was fine yesterday and most of today. after i got back i chilled at home and waited for my suitcase to unpack itself, then to the deaghlan's for exhausted post-suusi hangout. today i visited with the rents for breakfast (best peach i've eaten in a long time, mmm) and went shopping with hillary, which was incredibly fun. she wanted to spend the gift certificate i gave her for her birthday at this place called blythe. lingerie and shit. i had no idea our shopping experience would turn into a two hour-long bra show starring Marina and Hillary. those girls probably know our boobies better than their own now. by the end of it i was walkin around the store with sheer bras on like i was hot shit. i tried on this set that cost a total of $160. wtf? i didn't buy those. i did, however, spend far more money than i have on the hottest bras and undies that nobody will see. i'm sure the money spending has NOTHING to do with my post-suusi emotional void.

i talked to my mother on the phone a bit tonight about how anxious i have been about the future. i started worrying about it when i got back from italy last year, and i haven't stopped trying to beat it out of myself since. my mother suggested i focus on having fun now, and yeah, that is a great solution. how much power do i really have over my life past december anyway? letting things go organically would be the best way to go, but i can't stop fucking with stuff, especially thoughts. i'm a thought fucker.

it has never been easy for me to give up control. i'm much more laid back than i used to be, it's true, but i have never been in the position of not knowing where i'll be and what i'll be doing in a few months time. but you know what? i should trust in the uncertainty... that whatever is best will eventually unfold and that i should take one decision at a time. i want to be happy. and i probably could be fairly happy right now if i let myself. what haven't i got? i have a family that completely supports and loves me (and gives me home cooked meals!) and friends who make me laugh constantly and give me huggles, as well as shoulders to cry on and ears to vent into.. what else really matters? don't make it harder for yourself than it needs to be, manurnah.

i decided i'm going up to nyc in september. who's down? i need to have a better trip than the last one (no offense to tyler, bless his heart, for who could possibly have predicted a blizzard and apartment building fire in one night?). so whoever is there that wants to see me, i wanna see you too! let's make it happen cap'n. i'm also going to seattle october 17-21 to visit with da mama and any jans and hannas that may be around there too.

to do... soon:
-shed some pounds, gain some sexiness and stop being an old person with high cholesterol
-save money
-make some art/fashion
-actually quit my second job (before school starts...?)
-get more music (please give me suggestions/mix cds!!)
-stop being lonely because i am actually not entitled to cuddles and makeout sessions each night, as much as i wish i was

goodnight. tonight i'm going to munch my retainer, spoon my pillow and highlight my memories.