maybe you're right, but this is MY song

hellllloooooo!

can you believe it's been three whole DAYS since i last updated?

anyhoo, what's been up, let's see... not too much, been working and hanging out and shite, the usual. i worked at williams-sonoma today... my last day is next sunday. one more shift and i'm DONE! it feels weird, but good. i hugged two of my bosses there today. strange stuff.

i also got some adult, responsible shit done today. that is good, although i have quite a bit more to do. i'm on my way. feeling better and less anxious. i might even say chill. in a marina kind of way.

i am definitely facing some money issues. i'm trying not to worry about it and instead just budget my money intelligently, since worrying won't get me anywhere, as i know from experience. i really, really need to buckle down on my habits if i'm going to move to ny. this shit won't fly otherwise. i think in order not to go overboard with the spending, the eating and the procrastination, i need to find something that gives me joy and is healthy. sex? that would be great, but i'm in no position (hyuk hyuk) to be getting any of that right now. i should draw more. that almost always makes me feel good. i have also been reading more, which i enjoy. most drugs and dangerous activities don't interest me much, but my hedonistic tendencies have always managed to screw me nevertheless.

i'm sorry, but it's just too much fun to eat a lot, fuck a lot, drink and do whatever else we're not supposed to do. although i wouldn't mind having some of that 'love' business i hear about. i have become more and more convinced that i haven't experienced a good romantic love. my first boyfriend was awesome and we were good for each other at the time, as dramatically angsty and ridiculous as we were. i still love him but it's a soft, muted love. i was not mature enough to deal with the relationship correctly and for a few years after that i wished i had had another chance. i went from that to an insane, unbalanced and psychotic love. and i experienced both physical and mental abuse for the first time in my life. there was plenty of passion, but not in any of the right ways. nobody knew how to push my buttons like him, and boy did he love to do it. anything to make me feel bad about myself, anything to convince me that nobody loved me or wanted to be around me but him. typical story of an abusee becoming an abuser. i will always wonder why i was so dense for so long... it took me WAY too long to wake up and get the fuck out for good. but those guys, they can be charming when they want. now i look at him and wonder how i ever, EVER fell for it.

my last relationship was another lingering one. that love was a restrained one. we had communication problems, and i always felt like he was holding himself back from me. if i give myself to you, i expect for you to do the same. and yes, i fucked up too, but if we couldn't repair it, then we shouldn't have tried. i came away from it feeling discouraged. my time had been wasted trying to make it work.

and so, i cannot deny that i have ever loved, but i am still unsure of whether i have ever fallen head over heels IN love. i know that some people would say "if you doubt it, then you never have been in love". I feel like i was in love in my second relationship, as fucked up as it was. since it was so fucked up, i don't think i could ever use that as a reference point in the future. my first and third boyfriends i still love, but not in a romantic way. the first one i feel 100% platonic with, and me and the third one are rather estranged, right now. someday we will probably hang out again, but we pissed each other off pretty bad.

rambling again. this is what i love to do.

i want a healthy love. if i don't fall IN love, i'd at least like to love and feel happy about it. i want to communicate freely and give myself over to someone who gives themselves to me. i want to share myself and learn about them. i want humor, respect, tenderness, excitement, playfulness, passion, joy, and of course naughtiness. i want to adore someone. i want to surrender myself to someone who deserves me. i want to wonder what i did to deserve someone so great.

man, i topped the emo-meter tonight eh?

whatever will be, will be.

i didn't expect to start talking about this kind of stuff tonight... i was just thinking i would update my blog, but i didn't have too much to say.

ah well. goodnight!!