the fist that docility breeds.

MINDFUCK BITCH LECTURE HENCEFORTH.

i am stressed. i am tense. there is always so much to do and i tend to freeze up. same old story.

everything is fine. in the grand scheme, everything is really quite good. but i tend to jump ahead and think about things that are neither here nor there, don't i?

work is difficult. could be worse. but i miss the simplicity from before, and the added responsibility is daunting. i had forgotten how it felt to be depended upon in a professional setting. probably because i never REALLY have felt that before. there are so many meetings, my time is taken up much more than before. the criteria is strict and revision constant. i can't meet all these expectations. i am trying to remind myself how lucky i am to have job stability at all. i find myself failing.

patience is a virtue i never really had. i want to do the right thing, act the best way. it's hard. i get frustrated. i get illogical and i want things i don't deserve. it's not cute, it's not attractive. but this is another exercise in patience and human relationships. i'm concerned about the future. when do you know when you do deserve something? when is it fair to ask? is it ever?

maybe not. and why do i bother thinking about presently inconsequential bullshit? i also worry that a routine will be set, time passes and the kicked up dust settles too much. the idea that everyone gets bored frightens me. it's not as much me that i'm worried about... i take that back. i worry about myself too, but in the opposite way. i worry about jumping ahead and being so eager to establish patterns and relationships that i ignore problems and warnings.

there are so many fine lines to try and balance on, it's like a grid of fishing line. elusive and slippery. despite the obvious challenge, i chastise myself for not being a pro by now.

i guess the bottom line is that i feel a lot of pressure all around to do the right thing all the time. and sometimes i just crumble under the pressure. so i'm sorry if i disappoint. it's only because i tried too hard and probably cared too much.