SUUSI and other attractions

yeah yeah yeah, fucka myspace. and fuck it being the only way to stay in touch with certain people. someday i will live without it. someday when i live on a giant commune with all the people i love and we all talk through a giant system of tin cans.

suusi is a unique experience, even from itself year to year. this year had a mellow feeling (despite unfortunately inevitable dumb drama) and my week didn't feel like it had started until wednesday, for reasons mostly unknown. maybe because that's when i stopped sleeping. i feel so special to know the people i see at suusi every year. even the ones that i barely talk to. ya'll make my heart swell. real life is like my prilosec, it stops the burn.

i started to feel extremely anxious and sad tonight. I was fine yesterday and most of today. after i got back i chilled at home and waited for my suitcase to unpack itself, then to the deaghlan's for exhausted post-suusi hangout. today i visited with the rents for breakfast (best peach i've eaten in a long time, mmm) and went shopping with hillary, which was incredibly fun. she wanted to spend the gift certificate i gave her for her birthday at this place called blythe. lingerie and shit. i had no idea our shopping experience would turn into a two hour-long bra show starring Marina and Hillary. those girls probably know our boobies better than their own now. by the end of it i was walkin around the store with sheer bras on like i was hot shit. i tried on this set that cost a total of $160. wtf? i didn't buy those. i did, however, spend far more money than i have on the hottest bras and undies that nobody will see. i'm sure the money spending has NOTHING to do with my post-suusi emotional void.

i talked to my mother on the phone a bit tonight about how anxious i have been about the future. i started worrying about it when i got back from italy last year, and i haven't stopped trying to beat it out of myself since. my mother suggested i focus on having fun now, and yeah, that is a great solution. how much power do i really have over my life past december anyway? letting things go organically would be the best way to go, but i can't stop fucking with stuff, especially thoughts. i'm a thought fucker.

it has never been easy for me to give up control. i'm much more laid back than i used to be, it's true, but i have never been in the position of not knowing where i'll be and what i'll be doing in a few months time. but you know what? i should trust in the uncertainty... that whatever is best will eventually unfold and that i should take one decision at a time. i want to be happy. and i probably could be fairly happy right now if i let myself. what haven't i got? i have a family that completely supports and loves me (and gives me home cooked meals!) and friends who make me laugh constantly and give me huggles, as well as shoulders to cry on and ears to vent into.. what else really matters? don't make it harder for yourself than it needs to be, manurnah.

i decided i'm going up to nyc in september. who's down? i need to have a better trip than the last one (no offense to tyler, bless his heart, for who could possibly have predicted a blizzard and apartment building fire in one night?). so whoever is there that wants to see me, i wanna see you too! let's make it happen cap'n. i'm also going to seattle october 17-21 to visit with da mama and any jans and hannas that may be around there too.

to do... soon:
-shed some pounds, gain some sexiness and stop being an old person with high cholesterol
-save money
-make some art/fashion
-actually quit my second job (before school starts...?)
-get more music (please give me suggestions/mix cds!!)
-stop being lonely because i am actually not entitled to cuddles and makeout sessions each night, as much as i wish i was

goodnight. tonight i'm going to munch my retainer, spoon my pillow and highlight my memories.