the far bank

i want to watch a movie. tonight was cold, and i shivered in my car on the way home, unpleasant but loving it because winter is finally coming.

i'm expanding my horizons, reading a lot of fiction and political stuff, and it's great. i'm glad i'm not poring over hours of patterns and sewing for a little bit so that i can feel a bit like an aware member of society for once. not bad, not bad...

i want to watch the virgin suicides, maybe. or maybe something else...

i won't get enough sleep tonight. tomorrow will be fun.

oh by the way, i found this link on bbc world. the doha debates ("Qatar's unique forum for free speech in the arab world") are going on, and that's pretty fuckin cool. i'm glad i got to be a part of tasmeem and could see qatar with my own eyes, literally and sociologically, economically, etc.

The Doha Debates

unsuccessful

I hate failing. I try to learn from it, but I still hate it. I feel this sinking feeling in my chest. I'm trying, in vain, to keep myself out of the hole I've been digging myself all day. It's not woooorkiiiing.

I was going to go out tonight, but I am so stressed out and overwhelmed that I decided to stay in. I feel behind in everything. So much crap happened today (I knew the day was off to a bad start) that made my head hurt. I don't get headaches often, but today my noggin' was a'throbbin'.

Apparently there's some dangerous criminal loose in Richmond. Sometimes I feel a little unsafe where I live. I wish someone else were here with me.

Technically, I really haven't failed. There are just a lot of little challenges being thrown at me. I never dealt with stress well. I would love to be one of those people who was calm under pressure, and operated smoothly even when they had to do five hundred things. I feel like that could really hold me back in the future if I can't get myself under control.

I also don't like the thought that someone might be avoiding me. The internet is a funny one. It shouldn't be taken too seriously. All in all, one fantastically bad day. I try to remind myself that things can always get worse, so I'm glad I didn't almost die or anything.

passion fruit

I am having a crappy day. Here I am, I get home from class and I have to work at 11, which leaves me enough time for... jack shit. I hate working at 11. I have about an hour to do nothing. They have shaved off an hour here and there on everyone's schedules at work, and it's really annoying because I have a trivial amount of time to do nothing of any importance. I could be making money instead. But no. What a waste of time.

I started feeling ill in class... my stomach was upside down and I got really dizzy. I'm not sure what caused it, I didn't eat breakfast and I got up at 6:30 so I guess that could have affected me. My cat inhaled his food and just puked it all up all over my carpet. I also missed the recycling for the second time. I have a bunch of bags outside full of bottles... I'm glad it's not summer (although it's trying, with the weather today) or the flies would have a field day on crusty old beer. I am trying hard to stay optimistic, but this day has just begun and it's already pissing me off.

My final exam for my last class will be either next Thursday or Friday. I have a little over a week to somehow turn myself around. I got my quiz back and it was terrible, I think it was a D. That may have affected how I felt physically, too. I think I had an A before that. He even asked to talk to me after class... of course all he did was ask me what happened. I know what happened, I wasn't prepared for how involved the quiz was and I was not comfortable with the material at all. Fucking sucks. Today is stupid. It's only 10 o'clock.

But no, I shouldn't let myself think that, because then I'm letting my pessimism get the best of me. Sometimes it's easy, to just give up and assume everything has gone to shit. For one day, I guess it wouldn't harm me that much to be annoyed. But then part of me believes that if I believe that, my attitude will make it more likely for things to continue going wrong. I will try to feel better and know that today is just a tiny piece of of my life, microscopic in the grand scheme of things. I refuse to let myself be negatively affected by other people today. And myself. This is when my self-confidence is tested, and I won't give up on myself again. I will keep trudging along... that's what these incidents are for, right? To learn how to be a better, stronger person?

Sure. Let's just go with that, because flowery, inspirational self pep talks will only piss me off right now.

the bell's jarred.

I got a second job as a waitress. Starting Saturday, I'll be out at Short Pump Mall serving greasy burgers to fat families. I am fairly pleased with my choice of introductory food service jobs, but I wish that it wasn't such a far drive. This will do until I am trained and can find another waitressing job in the city.

So now I have a full time job, a part time job, and it's possible I could have another little job a few hours a week on top of that. I never, ever thought I would be a three job person. People with three jobs seem insane and incapable of sleeping. I am extremely capable of sleeping.

With three jobs, how will I be able to embark on my 'real' job: my sewing/drawing? The prospect gives me wrinkles.

I'm considering finding a place back in the fan or museum district area... maybe with a roommate, some kind of place where I have an extra little room for my studio. And somehow have it be cheaper than the place I have now? I just don't know if it's possible. Scratch that, it's possible, but I don't know how probable it will be for me for find a place AND a roommate with which I am happy. The perfect scenario would be to have a two bedroom apartment, with a little sun room type of deal off my bedroom, and a roommate with no pets but who loves (my) cats. Wishful thinking...

If anyone knows any information applying to my wishes, let me know. I don't think I can afford my current place without my mother's financial help. God knows I want to be financially independent sooner rather than later, and it's not out of character for her to make sudden, potentially debilitating decisions, so I must prepare. I have done a poor job of it so far.

I am graduating in two weeks. I cannot believe that I've completed 18 years of schooling. I can't believe I'm actually moving on to the next part of my life. The post-academic part. I wonder if I will ever go back to school? I wouldn't be surprised... as burnt out as I got the last couple years, I can't not learn. I am glad to be the kind of person who craves information, even if it's not always the most scholastic kind. There is so much STUFF in the world, and even if you try to cram it all in, you can't even begin to experience it all. At worst, this expansive idea is depressing, and at best, awe-inspiring and invigorating. I try to go with the latter, because let's be honest, depression gets really old after awhile.

Alright, that's all for now. There are not enough hours in the day.

Richmond, how you fail to tame my nomadic heart.

Oh, the places you’ll go! That Dr. Seuss book was given to me by my Uncle Bill when I graduated from high school, and I have thought about it a lot over the years.

I have been struggling to operate under the path that the fashion department outlines for its students. Its a path of excitement, initial hardship, insomnia and inevitable New York.

I’m sorry, but I am just not that interested in permanently uprooting and (un)settling into a city that I am only interested in visiting. I never have been, but I have told myself that I only live once and that I should consider the advice that others give me. New York, I just don’t think you are for me.

I cannot bear the thought of staying in Richmond 12 months out of the year, until I die. I need Europe, I need travel. I need it. So... I really need a way to make things happen the way I want. Game plan so far is to stay put, work my ass off, establish some sort of small business that I feel good about, and get to travel extensively. Easy!

I want to feel like I’m making a difference, but I don’t need to be a huge figure head, I prefer no fame. Fame is for people who need constant acceptance, constant approval. I know that those I care about will always approve of me overall. Everyone has their annoying quirks or selfish, rude habits, but I was raised by a family who had faith in me, so I don’t think that the world needs to tell me too. I can make a difference on a small scale. People often forget that the tiniest change can make a huge difference... the key is to remember that you may not always see it. You have to trust that what you’re doing is making that small ripple. It’ll turn into a splash someday, whether by you or by your cohorts and followers.

So while I am sure some people are disappointed that I will not make my permanent arrival in NYC anytime soon, have faith! This is not me succumbing to the Richmond curse, I promise. This is me devising the right plan for me, as patchy and spotty as it may be. Ya dig?

Oh, the places I’ll go!

Literary Devices.

Many of us like to talk like we know what we're saying. Half the time, I don't think we do.

It's a rarity, those who do. What's more astonishing is finding someone who is not only academically on point, but someone who is unaware of her bounty, someone who places little importance on her individuality rather than the information itself. When I find someone like this, it's like receiving an unexpected present that I doubt I deserve. I have yet to master my awkwardness around easy brilliance.

Perhaps it's because of this that I have recently plunged myself face first into books. The evolution of books is a mystery to me. I am fascinated by the writer, and how a writer creates, because I don't understand it. I know that no two writers are the same, they each have their own developed ways of reaching their goals. I also know that usually the journey to the finished product is more fulfilling and eye-opening. I especially know the feeling that many writers probably have thinking a project is done, but never really done. How do you know when to walk away?

I want to believe that writing is extremely intuitive, and I know that in some cases this is mostly true. I like to focus on the intuitive aspect in everything. Intuition is strong in me(clearly, modesty sometimes takes a backseat), and creatively my little driving force has rarely steered me astray. But as lazy as I would like to be, every work of genius is just that: work. Conversely, I eagerly wish to be one of the tireless artists. The artists who eats, sleeps, dreams her work. As I've shifted my priorities in life over the past year, I have seen that part of me evolve and begin to come to the surface, but I have a long way to go still.

I was praised for my academic writing growing up, while secretly feeling like a fraud. Growing up in a household of writers can do that to you, I guess. I knew that I enjoyed writing and despised revision. I felt my literary work was one-dimensional. I left literary research to the rest of my family members, pursuing fine art instead. When my sister and my novelist step-father were in meetings with other young writers, I was off drawing pictures of Victorian ladies. I could blame this on my age, but that would be too easy. My older sister had taken to writing like a puppy to fetch, and it was clear to me that my step-father was happy to take her under his nerdy wing. I went to find my own niche. Was I afraid I wasn't smart enough? Or that there was only room for one of us? Perhaps she experiences the same feelings when she abandoned drawing (despite her undeniably unique style) once I started getting recognition for my impeccably drawn red hearts in kindergarten. Why fight when you know someone is better? It's a sad way to look at endeavor.

My own writing veers towards personal dissection, which quite frankly reminds me of my mother. This, you are allowed to assume, is not a good thing. I am afraid that if I write about my life, it will be obvious how presumptuous and self-involved I am. I do not want to follow in some of the sadder footsteps of my talented female predecessors, who despite their given gifts have essentially disgraced themselves professionally in the eyes of others. I refuse to become a woman who's life's work is piecing together the meaning of her life's work.

That said, does anyone have any suggestions for reading material? I need some easy brilliance...

green back

anyone know how i can make some extra money? legally, fast and without quitting my job at the salon? i'm strugglin'.

a couple nights ago my friends suggested i start waiting tables. the thing i hate about waitressing is that it's all about experience, and you have to start at one place to get to your goal. any suggestions on where to start looking?

throw me some ideas, or i might have to resort to unsavory means. the streets can't handle this.