speak entirely in slang

i think life right now, for me, is about learning to wait.

i'm waiting... but i think the point is to live without waiting... that is, enjoy what's going on right now without projecting my mind purely into the future.

i've wound this web of circumstances; a plan to get me on track, a path to 'happiness'. whatever the hell that is. it all depends on the first step that leads me to the rest, and obviously if i fail at the first step, my life is OVER. that's the skewed way that i've seen it. i know it's ridiculous, but i feel life in extremes.

things i want, don't have, and will take a while to get:
-moving
-being unbroke
-losing all the weight

one path: if i can't get in perfect physical shape, then my self-confidence will never be healthy, which means i'll never have the balls to talk to people i'm interested in, because obviously they'll reject me. and what's the big deal about rejection? it's humiliating and i always assume it's because of my weight. because let's face it, weight WILL make many people reject you. few people are willing to look past it. and fuck, i'm one of them. i want someone attractive too. i'm tired of living like a hypocrite. i can go on for days bitching about the shallowness of people, but we're ALL shallow. we all like what we like. until i become someone i like, i don't think anyone will like me... and while i don't like myself, it will show through my actions. and someone liking me should NEVER be the goal of self-improvement. i'm a number one advocate for learning how to be single and happy. being single can be the greatest thing ever. i'm fucked up.

i wish i didn't give a fuck... but you know, if i didn't i probably would have been skinny this whole damn time. it's because i cared too much that i went overboard. it's fucking gross and the world sucks sometimes, but that's the way it is. some cutthroat shit that you just can't think too hard about or you end up like me, embittered and jaded.

some overweight people are still beautiful, but the looks that i was born with don't allow for that. regarding my looks, i get the compliment 'striking', not 'pretty'. because i'm not. and i don't want to be conventionally pretty. how convenient.

so can you base happiness on an ideal weight? of course not. but it is a reflection of how much you respect yourself. and i know i talk about self respect a lot, because it's something i haven't had a lot of, and i know it's important to have a solid core, a caring faith to drive you.

i should dismantle my plan, and all the steps. i need to convince myself that there are plenty of things to live for now, rather than putting my life on hold until i've decided i deserve it. this isn't to say i'm not going to go through with the steps, just that i need to try and let it flow organically and not expect it all to unfold in the methodical manner i think of in my head.

life is stupid and amazing. i need to shoot the veruca salt in me.