why

why do i not give a shit? and somehow give a big huge shit at the same time?


why am i crazy? i never could operate the way people said it was socially acceptable to operate.


mmm... i've been drinking. goodnight!

here are some events

-i gained all the weight i lost two weeks ago. buckle the fuck down, me.

-i started my last class of my college career. 8 am classes monday through thursday. hurray.

-i cooked some intensely delicious food and baked an awesome cake (of which i am sharing but not eating much of, yay!)


yeah. the blogs are dead! I miss reading people's blogs. it's sad.

i'm pretty happy right now, despite the weight thing. maybe that's why i don't have as much to say. i had a good weekend, saw some friends. and starting in september i'm getting every other saturday off, which i am thrilled about.

my overall schedule is really laid back compared to the past two years.

and my ma just got helios for me, her and katia. i'm stoked about that.

i still wish i had a roommate, but i hang out with my friends a lot and my cats are happy, so shit, you know, i'm happy too.

ode to an ego

you are a coward.

do you really think that i would be crushed to find out what's been going on? i don't give a crap about that, but i do care that you seem to think you would have that big of an impact on me. especially for something so dumb. i am offended that you don't seem to think i have my own life here. what is going on in new york is only a fraction of what i care about.

you didn't need to ignore me, because i have gotten over the situation. honestly, i just wanted to be friends with you again and forget the bullshit that happened. your assumption that i would be so hurt, so hurt that you avoid talking to me, just goes to show how incredible you think you are. i didn't want to think you were that narcissistic.

i have more worthy prospects to pine over, if pining was what i wanted to do. your sorry ass obviously wasn't worth the effort since you act like i'm on a lower level than you.

i am frustrated that i let myself get involved with you again, physically and emotionally. you don't deserve my affection. i deserve so much better, and my friends tried to tell me that at the time. i believe it now.

that said... maybe i'll see you around and we can laugh about it. i don't hate you, because i know that this is just the person you are. i am disappointed in myself for not making better decisions. another life lesson learned.

something to strive for

i want these boots. bad. rill bad.




early christmas present?! graduation?! ...must... save... money.

tectonic fever

having fun will just have to do for now. and i will do it convincingly. i will learn to enjoy it.

the internet is like a ghost town recently. that is a good thing, since i actually finished a book. a damn fine book it was, too.

i also have a few giant piles of miscellaneous paperwork and other crap on my desk, daring me to sit down and deal with it. is tonight the night?

i had my last shift at williams-sonoma today. it was sentimental. and i was happy to leave. one job, one class, less stress. school starts on thursday, and i'm not so much looking forward to the 8 am classes everyday. but it will be good. no more school. thus begins the next stage of my life. and i intend to push aside all reservations and bite off that big apple with fucking relish (the emotion, not pickle. i'm not preggers here). i guess i should start thinking about interviews and shit... but not for a few more months. i'm going to enjoy myself, enjoy richmond before i go.

and where will i go? probably ny. i yet again feel that it's at least necessary to get out of richmond and i would still like to pursue some sort of career in illustration. i love it too much to not try. two of my closest friends are moving there, so that's another reason why ny would be a logical choice. i think it will still take a few more trips up there to convince me, though. i feel like the career idea that i had for richmond, which is starting a sustainable accessory company, will still be available if things don't work out for me in a different city. the last thing i want is to let opportunity and youth pass me by. i have a thing about not wanting to be resentful about my past, so i am doing everything in my power to be assertive and pro-active about my future. so ny, you motherfucker, watch out for i may attempt to tame you.

i feel good. i am happy. i have been thinking about selling half my stuff and selling my car. it will be cathartic, even though my car is fucking nice and i love to drive. i could definitely use the money if i'm going to ny. buffer money is always a good call.

plus, i've always wanted to live in a place where you walk a lot. i loved walking everywhere in florence. one of my fondest memories was just exploring the city, walking, forcing to take everything in because you're going slowly. it makes me more aware and calm. unfortunately i am a complete wimp to extreme heat or cold though. i don't actually mind being cold, but i can be clumsy and lose my footing easily when treading on fallen precipitation. i'm not a fan. but with the good comes the bad, and in a way the bad is also good. i am so eloquent.

i am excited and my heart feels kind of funny when i think of the future. i know it will be so good for me to leave my home town for more than 4 months. it's scary, but a good kind of scary. maybe i'll someday have the balls to move to paris, too. despite my father.

i know this is going to sound mega goth, but last night as i was going to sleep i started thinking about death and dying, and for the very first time ever, i was able to get through the fear i feel and actually think i might be okay with it. at this rate, maybe by the time it actually happens, i won't be afraid. maybe this means i am finally starting to let go of control, and be at peace with the way life is. and that if i don't get what i want, life is still good.

man. is anyone out there? hear me?

too cold

i don't like learning little life lessons. i want things to be the way I want them to be. apparently i am a small child, since i don't understand why they can't!

i need to force myself to do the right thing, mentally. i think i can, but i still wish i didn't have to. i wish i were the type of person who doesn't think about stuff too much, and is more casual about personal issues when it is appropriate. alas, that's always been a struggle for me.

i want what i want.

maybe you're right, but this is MY song

hellllloooooo!

can you believe it's been three whole DAYS since i last updated?

anyhoo, what's been up, let's see... not too much, been working and hanging out and shite, the usual. i worked at williams-sonoma today... my last day is next sunday. one more shift and i'm DONE! it feels weird, but good. i hugged two of my bosses there today. strange stuff.

i also got some adult, responsible shit done today. that is good, although i have quite a bit more to do. i'm on my way. feeling better and less anxious. i might even say chill. in a marina kind of way.

i am definitely facing some money issues. i'm trying not to worry about it and instead just budget my money intelligently, since worrying won't get me anywhere, as i know from experience. i really, really need to buckle down on my habits if i'm going to move to ny. this shit won't fly otherwise. i think in order not to go overboard with the spending, the eating and the procrastination, i need to find something that gives me joy and is healthy. sex? that would be great, but i'm in no position (hyuk hyuk) to be getting any of that right now. i should draw more. that almost always makes me feel good. i have also been reading more, which i enjoy. most drugs and dangerous activities don't interest me much, but my hedonistic tendencies have always managed to screw me nevertheless.

i'm sorry, but it's just too much fun to eat a lot, fuck a lot, drink and do whatever else we're not supposed to do. although i wouldn't mind having some of that 'love' business i hear about. i have become more and more convinced that i haven't experienced a good romantic love. my first boyfriend was awesome and we were good for each other at the time, as dramatically angsty and ridiculous as we were. i still love him but it's a soft, muted love. i was not mature enough to deal with the relationship correctly and for a few years after that i wished i had had another chance. i went from that to an insane, unbalanced and psychotic love. and i experienced both physical and mental abuse for the first time in my life. there was plenty of passion, but not in any of the right ways. nobody knew how to push my buttons like him, and boy did he love to do it. anything to make me feel bad about myself, anything to convince me that nobody loved me or wanted to be around me but him. typical story of an abusee becoming an abuser. i will always wonder why i was so dense for so long... it took me WAY too long to wake up and get the fuck out for good. but those guys, they can be charming when they want. now i look at him and wonder how i ever, EVER fell for it.

my last relationship was another lingering one. that love was a restrained one. we had communication problems, and i always felt like he was holding himself back from me. if i give myself to you, i expect for you to do the same. and yes, i fucked up too, but if we couldn't repair it, then we shouldn't have tried. i came away from it feeling discouraged. my time had been wasted trying to make it work.

and so, i cannot deny that i have ever loved, but i am still unsure of whether i have ever fallen head over heels IN love. i know that some people would say "if you doubt it, then you never have been in love". I feel like i was in love in my second relationship, as fucked up as it was. since it was so fucked up, i don't think i could ever use that as a reference point in the future. my first and third boyfriends i still love, but not in a romantic way. the first one i feel 100% platonic with, and me and the third one are rather estranged, right now. someday we will probably hang out again, but we pissed each other off pretty bad.

rambling again. this is what i love to do.

i want a healthy love. if i don't fall IN love, i'd at least like to love and feel happy about it. i want to communicate freely and give myself over to someone who gives themselves to me. i want to share myself and learn about them. i want humor, respect, tenderness, excitement, playfulness, passion, joy, and of course naughtiness. i want to adore someone. i want to surrender myself to someone who deserves me. i want to wonder what i did to deserve someone so great.

man, i topped the emo-meter tonight eh?

whatever will be, will be.

i didn't expect to start talking about this kind of stuff tonight... i was just thinking i would update my blog, but i didn't have too much to say.

ah well. goodnight!!

quickie

today was work as usual. there was some raunchy talk at work today. it was great. and it wasn't even me who started it.

there's a steamy, hot thunderstorm starting right now. you know how much i love those. if only there was someone to go out there with...

and i look hot tonight. always a perk, right? mmm, modesty...

nice rhyme.

now i'm going out to dinner with my buddy kyle. deuces!

unzip your skin, let me climb into you

losing weight is hard.

...and i'm up for the challenge. it's the only problem i've had that i haven't learned to overcome.

but not for long.

*points accusingly to belly* you watch. WATCH.

i gave some junk food to my parents to get rid of it. and i resisted popcorn and root beer floats at work tonight. one day at a time, right?

sorry friends, but don't offer me a beer, or a cheese fry, or whatever. i will say no, but why tempt me?

fuck yeah.

oh yeah, and go here. it's great.

awesome commercial.

door knock? kthx!

tonight, i had a revelation about the type of person i am.

for years i have been told by everyone (with the exception of my mother maybe) that an aspect of my personality is not appropriate for a girl/young lady. and even if they didn't tell me that, it was inferred based on the general societal female ideal.

but i'm not fucking like that, and i never will be. instead of resisting, feeling like i should resist or feel guilty, i should embrace it.

i know some of my friends and family would be like "wtf marina? you don't seem to have a problem being assertive" and yeah, i know i don't seem to. but doubt has always been inside me, wondering why i don't find the same happiness as others. the idea that some people might actually really appreciate and/or enjoy that trait in me, is like a weird dawning of a concept. it's very exciting to me. i feel like part of my life could just be starting. a part that has been dormant, much to my chagrin and attempts to wake it up.

i think one of the reasons i have felt this satisfying click of realization is because i had never considered the possibility of fitting into a niche. and then being able to study that niche, and how people interact with the understanding that these people have these traits. strangely, the idea of somewhat being a 'type' calms me... i think it's because i can then find information about it and it makes much more sense to me. my whole life i have assumed that i was kind of a freak in this area, because i never knew exactly what i was. whatever it was, it didn't seem acceptable, so i tried to push it away. turns out, that's exactly the wrong thing to do. duh. i do fit in, although every person has their own nuances and ways they do things that make them different people. i am not destined to blindly reach out and never find any satisfaction, because now i feel a direction. this could be great.

...you know what else is great? this:



p.s. who wants to take guesses at what the fuck i am talking about in this entry? stab at it.

oh. uh oh!

my hormones are awesome lately... my bc got all messed up and now i'm off of it indefinitely, and then this song came on and it made me happy:

It's a scene from the movie.
It's an aisle at the store.
It's the view of a canyon.
The sound of a sword.

It's an orchard of peaches.
Your wife in the shower.
While you wait for appointments.
Or as you walk through the park.

Oh. uh oh. Erection.

You know it's not only love dear.
That can flip the switch up.
You know it probably should be.
Maybe god fucked it up.

Oh. uh oh. Erection.

It boiled up like a tower.
A monument in the park.
It's the cock of a rifle.
A memory in the dark.

You tried to keep it a secret.
But now the world's gonna know.
You tried for perfection.

But then oh, uh oh. erection.
oh. uh oh. erection.


i did laundry today. i will be proud if i get it folded tonight.

hung out with katia yesterday. it was fun. tonight i danced by myself until i got all sweaty, and then chuckled at the thought of someone spying on me. i'm so fucking intimidating.

the only thing that was lacking this weekend was the amount of hangouttage. and that's partly my fault. and partly because i had to work. and partly because there wasn't anything crazy fun going on. hmp.

that's about it from this side of the river. i'm gonna go dance and ignore my laundry a little longer.

seriously guys

ok, first things first, why has my poll not been flooded with votes?

two people? two? stop being all scared about me knowing you wanna hook up with me, cuz i know ya'll are out there. don't be skerred. i won't bite ;-)

this week has been pretty good so far. i've been lucky to hang out with a variety of friends. i went to my coworker's dildo infused birthday party on saturday, only to meet up with a completely different (yet equally loved) group of friends at the bamboo later that night. then i vegged in my own dirt sunday and monday i went to kitchen 64 and then the triple to play pool. i was so horribly off my game at pool, i disgusted myself. simply disgusted. last night a bunch of us watched zodiac, which was good but far too long. luckily, it imparted us with some choice quotes. "before i kill you, i'm going to throw your baby out the window" and of course, robert downey jr is always funny. can he ever play someone other than his own character?

tonight i went to what was supposed to be a party, but ended up being several people struggling to play kings. which is fine, but kyle and i weren't drinking and i had eaten a bowl of oatmeal and a package of fig newtons way earlier today, and my stomach was vocally empty. so i filled it up scalding hot potato skins at fourth st (to those who aren't lucky rva natives, that's the city's roach infested 24 hour diner), while kyle, hillary and i discussed the ratio of people who spit vs. swallow. we were perfectly content amusing ourselves with discussions of sexual acts, but this crazy methed out shirtless white guy had to get all the attention by yelling and picking a fight with the cook, and subsequently punching and kicking the glass door multiple times on his way out. cops showed up, but he was already gone. i needed to get out of there before they noticed my car inspection negligence, so we deuced out.

i have to get up ass early tomorrow to go to a one hour body care product class at the salon at eight, and then i go back to work at 3:30 pm. whack. then i get paid friday, and i have the day off. fly times.

i'm putting in my two weeks notice at williams-sonoma on sunday. i am nervous because i have never quit a job before. i always just left because of school, or like with the tobacco program, the program ended. this will be the first time i have to quit. but the salon is giving me more hours, like 35 a week, so with class i think i don't want the added stress of WS, especially when the holidays roll around. the holidays at WS are rather hellish.

seriously... i want to do karaoke. i have never done it before, excluding karaoke revolution! i know, it's hard to believe. i would love it. one or two drinks = marina is a total ham. so yeah, let's do that sometime soon, people. i'll serenade to you. it'll be really sexy, crooning-like. oooh girl.

naptime!