i'll mark the door with a ruler and pencil.

growing up, my sister and i were assured that we would always be financially comfortable. if nothing else was certain (which at times many things weren't) we could depend on the money. our money went back a few generations, before which my mother's side of the family had been printers in richmond. one of my ancestors even printed for edgar allen poe, and a gift he had given my ancestor is in the poe museum now (fun fact of the evening).

so my mother raised us with music lessons, ballet, horse back riding, art lessons, all kinds of crap. which was great and i was a very very lucky kid. i was in public school, i did homeschool, i did private school. we had options, because there was enough money to do things like that. i also just wanted to be normal, and having some money definitely made me stand out sometimes, which i hated. i felt i was awkward and weird enough as it was, i didn't need people being jealous of my drawing ability, which i couldn't hide (and it was the one thing i have always felt confident about), AND the fact that my mom would randomly bring fancy boxed lunches from sally belle's just for me and my sister to fox elementary. she would give me obscene amounts of spending money for trips. i was a kid, i had no idea what was appropriate, and who says no to free money?

of course, the money didn't make up for the verbally abusive episodes and three day long bedroom retreats. or leaving your 17 year old daughter on the other side of the country because you've decided you're 'done' being a parent. reason number one of why i hate money: using it to try and appease guilt. money as supplemental parenting... twisted.

as much as i've struggled to learn how to be financially independent, i have looked forward to getting out from under my mother's financial wing for a long time... yet simultaneously reminding myself to be grateful that i was provided for. that said, my mom had some very strange manipulative ways to remind me of it. she was always a fan of buying me something inappropriate without me asking for it, and then using it against me later, calling me selfish and ungrateful.

where is the line between the idea that one's offspring behaves how it does because YOU raised her that way, and the idea that once old enough, said offspring is responsible for her behavior and cannot default to blaming the parent? my mother had a big hand in my personal growth, and as thoughtful and responsible as i have always tried to be, i cannot help but think that she was the one who encouraged any brattiness in me to grow. it's like growing a plant, watering and fertilizing, and then chopping it off at the root once it buds.

i am VERY self conscious about having grown up with privilege. and i'm not saying we were rich; i guess there were a few years that by america's standards we would be classified as upper middle class. i always tried to play it off the 'right' way; that is, i never wanted to brag or act haughty, but then again if you totally ignored your privilege, people think you're ungrateful and undeserving. many times i just tried to be quiet and mutter 'yeah, i am lucky'. either way, i felt isolated.

but i was sooo lucky. i had many things people don't have. sure, i was lonely... but you can't have everything, right?

i've been thinking about this a lot because my mother pretty much lost all that was left of the money yesterday. now she has to provide for herself for the first time. ever. it's kind of an intense situation. it just so happened that i had recently been liberated from her support already, which is good and i knew that it would happen once i finished school anyway. so for me it works out okay, but i am very interested to see how her life unfolds in the next few years. this totally changes her life. i will be there for her, but i also refuse to see her as a victim, seeing how she could have made a few different decisions that would have made this much easier on everyone.

what gets me is this: when someone tells you a part of your life will be stable and comfortable forever, you believe it. then when it's become apparent that they squandered it and then due to plummeting stocks what little was left is now gone as well, well it's a fascinating feeling. i don't give a shit about the actual money. i hate money, life sucks if you have too little, life sucks if you have too much, and i resent the idea that something inanimate can affect your entire being and daily life. and yes, i realize the irony of this coming from someone who never had an unsatisfied material desire growing up, really i do. i'm a prick, it's fine, you can think that. but you cannot deny the truth about money. less or more, it difficults. money makes difficult a verb.

the point is, i am pissed that my mother gave us false confidence in something unstable. she was the adult, she is smart enough to know that the money was not entirely reliable. plus, she never made a true effort to rescue her promise once it started to become clear that it was one she couldn't keep. she just kept spending. i can't believe she didn't have the forethought to tack on at least a little warning. once she realized everything was dwindling, didn't she wonder what would happen? her work paralysis (something the bitter daughter in me feels is a very selfish problem to have) kept her from keeping her promise to us. many of her typical days involved her having a headache/sleeping all day/meditating and going to the spa. and something was always wrong, despite her languid days. no wonder katia and i throw ourselves into work and often go overboard. we knew this was something we had to learn, a weakness we refused to develop.

i have and always will hate money. it's just a means to an end, many endings for which i have no use, really. money turns people into monsters and rips families apart. i will stand by my mother and encourage her as she embarks into the working world for real, for the first time, at 51 years of age. i feel for her because she's probably scared shitless. i know she has no concept of how this has upset me and my sister, how we feel she betrayed us. she is yet again far too wrapped up in her own situation to consider that. but what's going to happen now, when she can't ease her conscience by tossing a few bills out at us? time to face the music, mom.