scarlet fever

there are some areas of life where i am insensibly clear. in others, i'm denser than my mom's homemade bread.

i feel liberated and grateful to finally be learning lessons that have taken me for-freakin-ever to get through my thick skull. a girl can't but try her darnedest, yes?

priorities have once again shifted. i am letting in new aspects, but making room wasn't easy or smooth. there was a necessary absence for several years, and though it has been filled, there is no one face or event responsible for it. and even though i float at the brim of my newly filled cup, the waters are churning wildly underneath. they have yet to settle, but goddammit i am working hard to make it happen. it is a conscious effort.

i'm throwing away my pinpoints. the days of cruelty and self-aggravation have passed. the days of criticism and self-deprecation have passed. the days of whirlwind thinking have passed. each day i think i'm done, but each day i learn more and see how much farther i have to go. and we should be enjoying the journey rather than criticizing the tiny scenic eyesores or worrying about the broken wagon wheel. enjoy the journey, with all its trials and tribulations. all the casual passing faces are valuable in their temporary nature. place less stress all around and in turn trust that things will eventually (but never completely) fall into place.

i can hope that those that i've met will take my shortcomings with a grain of salt, but i realize that first impressions are heavy dictators and early friendships are delicate and prone to easy disintegration. this is where i try to be thankful for what has passed and how i am better for it... and try not to concern myself about how small richmond is and what shit gossip people like to spread. ultimately i'm the only one who knows exactly who i am, and there are very few other people who have any idea.

and yes, i am totally making a life metaphor out of the oregon trail game with that wagon wheel bit. act like you don't love my old school reference.

<3 friends

last night's self indulgent emo post is brought to you by a week off from work.

remind me never to take that much time off from work and stay in rva! of course it wasn't supposed to happen that way, but man, it was no good. i'm stoked to go back to work tomorrow.

tonight i get precious out-of-town friend hang, and tomorrow too. and then new year's eve. and another four days off. jesus.

i'm gonna go make it happen now.

here are photos from this week that make me happy:




my friends make me cry.
kyle is famous.

and then zoe. because she is the best dog ever and how could i be bummed looking at that face?

nobody likes a flake.

i was supposed to go out and do a bunch of stuff tonight, and anxiety has completely overtaken me. maybe i'll shake it off, but i think i'm giving in instead. COOL!

more and more i try to 'dress up' and end up getting so incredibly irritated by the way my old clothes fit that i just get super frustrated. i can't afford new clothes and i don't even know what style i have now anyway. although i wouldn't go back, i now have to reinvent myself. i look better, but now nothing looks good. i don't know what size i am, i have a drawer full of too-big bras... i haven't lost weight in the past couple weeks but my tits keep shrinking. it's a good thing i never really liked those things much anyway.

i consider myself a happy person. but often these days i'll find myself in a quiet moment, in the background of a group or crowd, and i feel my stomach fall to the floor with anxiety, isolation and a feeling of hopelessness. i keep feeling like life is going by too fast and it's slipping away... i don't have the energy or the wherewithal to grasp it in time and make the most of it.

i want a train ticket. i want to go hiking. i want a good fucking outfit.

i'm going to go try and sleep off my drama... i hope everyone has a fun night tonight!

quick-date

christmas was weird this year. neither katia and i or our richmond parents were prepared for us to be in town, thus a wee bit of scrambling all around resulted. i also feel bad because our mother was so looking forward to us being in seattle for the first time for christmas, and she has been extremely disappointed. i also miss her.

but the holiday was fine. very low key... a little too low key for my taste, really. it was nice being able to sleep in and watch movies, since i never do that. but i'm the kind of person who needs structure or else i end up laying around wasting the day. not cool, and i end up feeling kind of mopey and crummy.

i always feel nostalgic when my out-of-town friends come back. my heart aches because i miss them so much and it reminds me of how the time has passed. how we aren't kids anymore. but we always are. i love them. i will never understand what i did so right that granted me friends so genuine and caring. this is the first year that death has touched me directly, and it definitely makes you see things in a more precious way. life is so short. don't ever forget to tell people how much they mean to you. they may not be there as long as you think.

as much as i wanted out of richmond for christmas, i wouldn't have been able to see many of my friends had i gone to seattle. my christmas trip being foiled makes me want to plan future trips even more. now that i have friends in desirable vacation spots, i need to make the most of it! nyc, chicago, come the warmer months and i plan to get all up in that. and once again, seattle.

i guess i should sleep. having more than a week off is making me nocturnal.

i hope everyone had a nice holiday!

living room dance fest

so...

i'm wide awake... hung out as much as i could but everyone else is a party pooper!

be jealous. it's me, my living room, en vogue, and this booty. sup 2am dance party?

oh yeah and i'm not leaving rva for the holidays. so... i plan on making the most of it, in a few ways. mad hangs, art-procuring, quality doggie time... etc.

drinking coffee always makes for a good marina time! i shudder to think what would happen if i ever really did drugs.

just smile all the time

my trip got postponed due to weather. i am leaving for seattle tomorrow afternoon.

i've been going to parties. hanging out with friends a lot. getting christmas presents ready and getting my place clean. i dropped my dog off at the vet to be boarded on saturday, and while my cats are pretty pleased to spend uninterrupted time with me, i do miss her.

i don't think i have enough money for the next month. i'll manage, i always do.

i think i have the best friends anyone could ask for. and family. despite my tendency to get caught up in trivial bullshit, i never forget that.

i need to do what's best for myself. my actions will reflect that from now on.

life is my personal party, holla! it's too short to sweat the small stuff.

suspicious.

why do people say "oh, you shouldn't do that, you're too pretty to [drink, smoke, fuck, fight, deface, etc]"?

because if you're ugly, then please, go right ahead! trash yourself to kingdom come, because the world doesn't care. if you are conventionally attractive the majority of people hold you higher in value, but you are judged more harshly. appearances are double-edged swords either way.

i could count the world's injustices and prejudices, tiny and monumental, thousands of times over on my hands. but i think my energy is better focused by loving on my friends. c'mere, friends. lemme love on ya.

wow, this blog is such spontaneous word vomit.

ps... remember moist? oh, 1996.

boarding petless

today completely beat me into submission. i love my co-workers.

right now i'm going to walk for as long as possible... then hang out with lauren. always a guaranteed good time.

and i forgot deodorant today so i'm smelling awesome right now! lauren's going to be stoked. mmm pits. let's cuddle.

the crazy keeps happening.

the days haven't gotten less weird.

my friend got hit by a car. an acquaintance had a 5 month miscarriage. mom lost her job. my ex/close friend is threatening not to come back from europe. katia's car broke down and is stationed behind my house. my dog got loose. more drama, drama drama.

last night a car was parked in the alley blasting the loudest music ever at 2 AM. then they were doing donuts back there and burned rubber coming and going a couple of times. one of these days i swear one of those drunk assholes is going to ram into my house. i also heard footsteps come around my bedroom. ugh, it scared the shit out of me. i'm glad i at least have a dog with a loud bark. it's times like that that i wish i had roommates.

on a lighter note, i made some pretty good oatmeal chocolate chip cookies yesterday for deanna's birthday. try it out if you want: vegan oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe! her party was fun. some of the usual suspects were there that always guarantee a good time. and this will be a short work week before my christmas vacation. i can't believe i'll be seeing mom in a week, time has passed so fast in the last few months, although at times it felt painfully slow. 2008 is almost over, and man, what a crazy year it's been.

this entry is lame. oh well! i'm not in a bad mood, just feeling kind of dazed. but this is sure to cheer the most bummed out person up, nevertheless:

SNL Digital Short - Jizz in my pants - 12/06/08 - watch more funny videos

floating between my ears

-britney's song 'phonography' is insane. read the lyrics. i love it. i hate it. it's britney.

-life is a never ending journey to figure out who you are. you get closer and closer to the full picture, but you can never complete it because there's always something changing. i like it.

-i am glad my dog seems to have a stomach of steel. cat litter, the natural stool hardener?

-i've texted more in the last two days than in the last two weeks. i'm alright with this. plus the iphone makes it WAY too easy to send rapid fire texts... i forget that people with other phones are getting bombarded. sorry!

-i really need to get going on christmas presents. i can't believe it's going to be here in two weeks. good lord.

-the last couple of days have been different. my mom is in crisis, my sister has been finishing her semester stressfully, little daily things have been throwing me a bit. other things that are too private to post here, one very bad and one very good. i don't want to jinx anything... i just want to do the right things for those i care about, and have a good time without thinking too much. amazingly i haven't been overanalyzing this time.

okay. i'm determined to get out of the house earlier than 4pm on my friday off this time... have a good day!

he's just full of zings.

ME: so... i'm a little weirded out that i had a loaf of bread for 3 months, and it still hasn't grown mold.
i'm toasting some as we speak.
is that wrong?
FRIEND: no
you have to take advantage of the situation
it's super bread
and by eating it you'll probably be super too!
ME: oh boy
what kind of super powers do you think one could get from supernatural bread?
FRIEND: I hope it has nothing to do with yeast.

(ps does anyone want to go grocery shopping for me? this is getting ridiculous...)

i'm lucky to have these friends.

FRIEND: do you think that id look sweet with a prince valiant haircut?
ME: yes.
FRIEND: thats what i said
ME: to whom?
FRIEND: to the mirror
and like a space suit
not an astronaut suit
but like a silver sparkly space suit with an awesome collar
ME: i'm expecting you to look like this next time we hang out.
if you aren't, i will not speak to you.
FRIEND: well it might be after xmas then
pure silver and lights arent cheap

yo lemme chomp on ya

i'm thinkin' i'm going to stay in tonight. i'm in that mood where if someone calls me to go out, i will, but i'm not seeking anything. plus i got an iphone yesterday and i haven't gotten a chance to play with it much yet.

so i went to the DMV yesterday. someone loves me, because i ended up having such an entertaining time there. the minute i sit down, a middle-aged man comes up to me and heartily embraces me, asking if i'm getting new plates and wondering 'how are things at pleasant's hardware?'. visibly confused, we figure out that i'm not the person he thought i was and he tries to brush it off by exclaiming i have a twin. i always find it interesting when people say i look just like someone they know, because i've never met anyone who looks like me. ugly or pretty, i don't think i have a generic face. so i might have to check out this doppelganger at pleasant's sometime.

i also saw the old drugged out janitor from when i went to open high (he was fired while i was going to school there) and one of our clients at the salon who does all the booking for the national.

the best part happened when i left. i walked out, holding the door for the guy behind me. picture lil' john, with white sunglasses and a tan fake leather jacket and pants. his hair was braided instead of dreaded, but i expected a 'yeah!' out of his mouth anyway. as we're both walking to our cars, this dialogue ensued:

Lil John: Yo girl, i don't mean no disrespect, but i just want you to know, them jeans hug your ass perfect!
Me: Uh, thanks! (i keep walking, drifting away from him towards my car)
Lil' John: I mean, I'm not tryin'a get in on your boyfriend's territory or nothin', but damn if i could get with that i would straight eat on those buttcheeks... *inaudible*...chomp on them... *inaudible*...ass... buttcheeks... damn girl...

that's some romance, The Notebook style. totally makes me want to date men again. thanks Lil' John!

hunter gatherer

FRIEND: man if you werent vegan you should come eat my specials tonight theyre off the chain
ME: awwwe
ME: i would love to! my dinner is in front of me. jar of pickles, jar of applesauce, planters mixed nuts. boooo
FRIEND: ew really? thats not a meal
FRIEND: what the fuck i just got mad at that

nouvelle vague

these are a changin' times.
in and out.
i learned more how to keep quiet and i'm sorry for anyone who may have been hurt by my openness. some things are meant to keep private, and i wish i could go back, but i can't. i don't want to live in the past but i wish i could have another chance.
sorry if i unintentionally made things harder.

another thing i can't take credit for

yeah. my sister is the self-proclaimed queen of procrastination. i might argue with her... but i think she's right. anyway, i didn't know about this commercial until she showed it to me on youtube, and i have to say, i grin every time.



also, saw a preview for this movie tonight. the concept is cool but i can tell it's going to be way sappy. i'm not usually down with the sap. i hear that string music and i'm like MTV, i go 'NEXT!'