i was supposed to go out and do a bunch of stuff tonight, and anxiety has completely overtaken me. maybe i'll shake it off, but i think i'm giving in instead. COOL!
more and more i try to 'dress up' and end up getting so incredibly irritated by the way my old clothes fit that i just get super frustrated. i can't afford new clothes and i don't even know what style i have now anyway. although i wouldn't go back, i now have to reinvent myself. i look better, but now nothing looks good. i don't know what size i am, i have a drawer full of too-big bras... i haven't lost weight in the past couple weeks but my tits keep shrinking. it's a good thing i never really liked those things much anyway.
i consider myself a happy person. but often these days i'll find myself in a quiet moment, in the background of a group or crowd, and i feel my stomach fall to the floor with anxiety, isolation and a feeling of hopelessness. i keep feeling like life is going by too fast and it's slipping away... i don't have the energy or the wherewithal to grasp it in time and make the most of it.
i want a train ticket. i want to go hiking. i want a good fucking outfit.
i'm going to go try and sleep off my drama... i hope everyone has a fun night tonight!
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