door knock? kthx!

tonight, i had a revelation about the type of person i am.

for years i have been told by everyone (with the exception of my mother maybe) that an aspect of my personality is not appropriate for a girl/young lady. and even if they didn't tell me that, it was inferred based on the general societal female ideal.

but i'm not fucking like that, and i never will be. instead of resisting, feeling like i should resist or feel guilty, i should embrace it.

i know some of my friends and family would be like "wtf marina? you don't seem to have a problem being assertive" and yeah, i know i don't seem to. but doubt has always been inside me, wondering why i don't find the same happiness as others. the idea that some people might actually really appreciate and/or enjoy that trait in me, is like a weird dawning of a concept. it's very exciting to me. i feel like part of my life could just be starting. a part that has been dormant, much to my chagrin and attempts to wake it up.

i think one of the reasons i have felt this satisfying click of realization is because i had never considered the possibility of fitting into a niche. and then being able to study that niche, and how people interact with the understanding that these people have these traits. strangely, the idea of somewhat being a 'type' calms me... i think it's because i can then find information about it and it makes much more sense to me. my whole life i have assumed that i was kind of a freak in this area, because i never knew exactly what i was. whatever it was, it didn't seem acceptable, so i tried to push it away. turns out, that's exactly the wrong thing to do. duh. i do fit in, although every person has their own nuances and ways they do things that make them different people. i am not destined to blindly reach out and never find any satisfaction, because now i feel a direction. this could be great.

...you know what else is great? this:



p.s. who wants to take guesses at what the fuck i am talking about in this entry? stab at it.