tectonic fever

having fun will just have to do for now. and i will do it convincingly. i will learn to enjoy it.

the internet is like a ghost town recently. that is a good thing, since i actually finished a book. a damn fine book it was, too.

i also have a few giant piles of miscellaneous paperwork and other crap on my desk, daring me to sit down and deal with it. is tonight the night?

i had my last shift at williams-sonoma today. it was sentimental. and i was happy to leave. one job, one class, less stress. school starts on thursday, and i'm not so much looking forward to the 8 am classes everyday. but it will be good. no more school. thus begins the next stage of my life. and i intend to push aside all reservations and bite off that big apple with fucking relish (the emotion, not pickle. i'm not preggers here). i guess i should start thinking about interviews and shit... but not for a few more months. i'm going to enjoy myself, enjoy richmond before i go.

and where will i go? probably ny. i yet again feel that it's at least necessary to get out of richmond and i would still like to pursue some sort of career in illustration. i love it too much to not try. two of my closest friends are moving there, so that's another reason why ny would be a logical choice. i think it will still take a few more trips up there to convince me, though. i feel like the career idea that i had for richmond, which is starting a sustainable accessory company, will still be available if things don't work out for me in a different city. the last thing i want is to let opportunity and youth pass me by. i have a thing about not wanting to be resentful about my past, so i am doing everything in my power to be assertive and pro-active about my future. so ny, you motherfucker, watch out for i may attempt to tame you.

i feel good. i am happy. i have been thinking about selling half my stuff and selling my car. it will be cathartic, even though my car is fucking nice and i love to drive. i could definitely use the money if i'm going to ny. buffer money is always a good call.

plus, i've always wanted to live in a place where you walk a lot. i loved walking everywhere in florence. one of my fondest memories was just exploring the city, walking, forcing to take everything in because you're going slowly. it makes me more aware and calm. unfortunately i am a complete wimp to extreme heat or cold though. i don't actually mind being cold, but i can be clumsy and lose my footing easily when treading on fallen precipitation. i'm not a fan. but with the good comes the bad, and in a way the bad is also good. i am so eloquent.

i am excited and my heart feels kind of funny when i think of the future. i know it will be so good for me to leave my home town for more than 4 months. it's scary, but a good kind of scary. maybe i'll someday have the balls to move to paris, too. despite my father.

i know this is going to sound mega goth, but last night as i was going to sleep i started thinking about death and dying, and for the very first time ever, i was able to get through the fear i feel and actually think i might be okay with it. at this rate, maybe by the time it actually happens, i won't be afraid. maybe this means i am finally starting to let go of control, and be at peace with the way life is. and that if i don't get what i want, life is still good.

man. is anyone out there? hear me?