scarlet fever

there are some areas of life where i am insensibly clear. in others, i'm denser than my mom's homemade bread.

i feel liberated and grateful to finally be learning lessons that have taken me for-freakin-ever to get through my thick skull. a girl can't but try her darnedest, yes?

priorities have once again shifted. i am letting in new aspects, but making room wasn't easy or smooth. there was a necessary absence for several years, and though it has been filled, there is no one face or event responsible for it. and even though i float at the brim of my newly filled cup, the waters are churning wildly underneath. they have yet to settle, but goddammit i am working hard to make it happen. it is a conscious effort.

i'm throwing away my pinpoints. the days of cruelty and self-aggravation have passed. the days of criticism and self-deprecation have passed. the days of whirlwind thinking have passed. each day i think i'm done, but each day i learn more and see how much farther i have to go. and we should be enjoying the journey rather than criticizing the tiny scenic eyesores or worrying about the broken wagon wheel. enjoy the journey, with all its trials and tribulations. all the casual passing faces are valuable in their temporary nature. place less stress all around and in turn trust that things will eventually (but never completely) fall into place.

i can hope that those that i've met will take my shortcomings with a grain of salt, but i realize that first impressions are heavy dictators and early friendships are delicate and prone to easy disintegration. this is where i try to be thankful for what has passed and how i am better for it... and try not to concern myself about how small richmond is and what shit gossip people like to spread. ultimately i'm the only one who knows exactly who i am, and there are very few other people who have any idea.

and yes, i am totally making a life metaphor out of the oregon trail game with that wagon wheel bit. act like you don't love my old school reference.