stand up, celebrate the natural need to own what ain't earned.

today:

-i was in the weirdest best mood today, all chipper and shit. nothing could stop me, nobody could piss me off. i didn't start to come down until i came home a few minutes ago. i was hoping i could ride it for a few days.

-mock chicken tagine at couscous is STILL super delicious.

-harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay wasn't good. of course nph helped, but still, not impressed. at least now i can send it back and get something else soon.

-exercise. i need it. i feel like shit lately. top of the list tomorrow morning/afternoon/whenever i get up for sure.

-i hate acquiring the things needed to put together a halloween costume. but i can't wait for people to be confused about my costume, especially if i have the pleasure of talking to girls in slutty costumes. jokes on you bitches!

-there are a lot of shows coming up. i'm broke. it sucks. but you better believe i'm making it to william elliott whitmore on the 7th. priorities, man.

-being cold sucks, but i love getting warm when it is cold outside. ftw.

-my friends rule. even when some of them are a little special sometimes.

happy halloween.

destroy and rebuild; repeat indefinitely.

i am irritated. please excuse any immature and irrational delivery.

there are so many stupid people in the world. maybe i am one of them for thinking i'm not one of them, but every day i am reminded. i don't want my heart to be consumed by anger, but sometimes it seems virtually impossible. stupid people, doing stupid things, ruining the world. it was halfway ruined already i guess. man insists on destroying and rebuilding. destroying, killing, birthing and rebuilding flimsily, making his arrogant mark. people are so mindless, happy to live in a bubble of ignorance. i sat at a stoplight today and watched everyone, immersed in their ridiculous and pointless activities. most of them were talking on cell phones. maybe because of my job, i feel like most people around me are blissfully unaware of anything going on that matters.

these stupid people are having too many stupid babies. please stop having children. every time i see photos or news on facebook about another girl getting pregnant, i grit my teeth. most smart people are smart enough not to have them, thus the world is filling with idiots.

i always held humans in contempt. with this came an unavoidable, substantial dose of self-contempt. i was always irritated that i could in some way be grouped, by species, gender, race, interests, or events, with horrible people. in my lowest moments i wonder if i am a fraud.

i see all these people who will live out their lives without achieving anything worthwhile. i sound insensitive, but you know that's true, some people don't ever do anything. i know it's a matter of opinion whether someone does something influential, but everyone gets wrapped up in daily life and it all starts to blend together. lives look the same from person to person, different colors and textures don't change the end results all that much.

so then, if we don't really do anything worthwhile... what's the point? why are we alive? so that dumb people can be 'happy' and hollow, and people like me waste their time hating those people, trying to use their anger to fuel an effort to achieve something of which to be proud?

how discouraging.

i have little concern for responsibility right now. i am apathetic towards my daily tasks. it's all i can do to put my energy into the happy mask i need to function at work. because let's face it, i would be screwed if i lost my job. then i'd be even angrier.

on which side would you rather be?

neither makes good.

i've seen this happen in other people's lives and now it's happening in mine.

this was a good weekend. i sewed, i met people, i stayed occupied, i was productive but relaxed.




need loot? need supply gave bags out at ipanema last night. bartender also gave me free tea... thanks bartender! people have been extra generous to me lately, i feel like i have fairy dust on me or something. the dj played some choice tunes and i actually danced... i know... hell is freezing over as we speak.


emily and i went to a show tonight (pretty boy thorson and the falling angels... horrible name, great band) and her fingernails matched everything! the evening was meant to be.



also tonight i relived my wild underage days:


or maybe i just left my id in my coat that i misplaced...

also, i wish i could start a band. i love to sing and i've been told i don't suck, but beyond that i have no confidence. i just know that i am happiest when singing, and people don't always cringe. even though i usually joke sing. seems like it could be something, but i don't know how. boo.

less bitch, more pics

with a house like this... obama 08? duh.


found this in my phone's photo album. i don't remember receiving this in a message, but someone sent it to me. mystery owl! whoo....whoo


my friend jess is getting one of these little boogers (i.e. english bulldog puppies) next weekend. as cute/alien as they look right now, after having had my own puppy, man, i really don't envy her. speaking of...


picturesque brunch view today. the vegan apple pie pancakes, soysage, mini bagels and silk nog were also a sight to see, but not for long!

now, nap.

jaded BS

this town is so fucking small. i know, i've said that before, and i know you know it's true.

but i just wish something different would come along. i feel like i'm jogging in circles here. but not really, because i'll never fit in, nor do i really want to. it's a strange limbo that i hope is helping to fuel some sort of artistic bullshit, or else i don't see the point.

i go out to look for something different, but it's the same old stuff. i place myself in different situations to find that i'm still the same.

i shouldn't be surprised, and i'm not. and i know some cool people, don't get me wrong, i'm down with that.

richmond rumors are so ridiculous. i have always said this, but i feel extra strong about it now: don't believe ANYTHING you hear until you know what really happened. and there will be times when it will be impossible to know the truth, if you weren't there or involved yourself.

sometimes familiar faces are comforting. sometimes you wish you could rearrange those faces yourself just to see something different.

i'm the one nobody really knows, and if this were a movie i'd be the one that they wish they knew. but this isn't a movie. this is life.

quiet in life

the concept of hitting on people is weird.

it happened to me tonight. it seems to be this bizarre trend actually, recently. it's happened several times. and i'm not trying to be all ooh look at me getting hit on wank wank, awesome, trying to act like i'm uncomfortable but i'm really bragging. no. it's not like that. because trust me, i'm no stranger to rejection. my self-esteem has had plenty of knocked-down moments.

i just need to know, what the fuck do you do? what's the best way to handle it? i used to get hit on by dudes in high school and i pretty much handled it the same way i did tonight.

after i realized what was going on, i ignored him. he was on the job, and i really don't think hollering at girls who look tired and cold is in his job description. he kept fighting the good and futile fight up until i turned my music up and drove away. i guess i should have been flattered? but mostly i felt like he just put me in a position where i needed to act like a bitch. should i just say "thanks for offering a validation of my looks, but no thanks i don't ever wanna jump on ya"? eh. it's a little wordy.

i guess i'll just look like an asshole no matter what. shouldn't take me long to be okay with that, i think plenty of people think i'm antisocial to spite them. sorry, nobody's that important that i am gonna single you out to ignore. i'm just shy. and flustered. not to be confused with quiet, i think we all know i'm usually not quiet. i don't know how to act around new people so sometimes i'll shut down a bit.

btw, hitting on me won't work. i don't really roll that way. you're not going to get any 'action' anytime soon with me. i'm not a prude, i'm not a slut. i'm just a person trying to meet people, hang out with friends, feel useful in life. hitting on someone is based on appearance with the goal of getting some. for me personally, physical shit is overrated and usually not worth the headache. the concept of being hit on is bizarre, awkward and i definitely have a generalized notion that the kind of person i want to hang out with would be more like me... and i don't go up to people and hit on them. no no, i choose much more embarrassing and underhanded (read: spineless) methods to let people know they make me blush. thanks. i'd be the one folding up notes and passing them to you (via my friend, duh). do you like me? check yes or no(or maybe!!!). at 23 years old. whatever, i'm TOTALLY normal and well-adjusted.

oh and sorry to anyone in whole foods tonight, i was the dick shouting on my cell phone in there, then i kept wandering around because i was on the stupid phone distracted.

what a jerk!

deafening in death.

and i will remember your name and face
on the day you are judged by the funhouse cast
and i will rejoice in your fall from grace
with a cane through the sky like "none shall pass"

---

i feel dramatic when i'm angry. i don't know what's worse, being chill and never getting crazy, or getting too ridiculous. sometimes i wish i could just keep quiet. i'm not the type of person to start shit for the sake of starting shit. i'm not that bored.

sometimes i am understanding and compassionate. sometimes i'm just really fucking angry and ready to sling curses as if i'm dying tonight.

i was told recently that hanging out with me was 'excruciating'. somehow i didn't immediately think that was a bad thing... i guess in context it made sense. in hindsight, i'm not so sure. i'm not always an easy person to be around. that's a reality. i'm not willing to bend myself to make someone like me. this is it. take it. leave it. i am me and i make no apologies. society can fuck itself if that's what it expects.

i want you to be yourself too. do you know who that is? how big does the sacrifice need to be for you to decide you'd rather be complacent forever? what makes a sacrifice worth it? when you don't know the extent of the reward, what would it take to get you to take the plunge?

i'm not much of a gambler. i wouldn't want to be in a gambler's shoes. i don't envy the position.

for some people happiness will never be an option. where is truth on your list of priorities?

now i'm getting out of this house. i can't be here much.

100th happy waste of words

i just happened to see that this is my 100th post. sorry, i really didn't have anything special planned, there is really only one point i was planning to make. perhaps i can stretch it out into something mildly entertaining...

when everything looks like shit, and i'm in the worst mood ever, pissed off about the state of the world/my personal life/my appearance and/or lack of social skills/dumb drivers who almost kill me in my morning commute (and the fact that i have a fucking morning commute) there are a few things that never fail to at least keep me from punching a wall.

-hot shower (being clean is something i don't achieve everyday, if you think that's gross then we can't hang out, it's an every other day deal for me, i gots dry skin)
-loud, LOUD music. preferably something raunchy that i can shake my ass to. or sing really loudly along to. or both. or even yell to. i'm sure to feel better then.

as much as i want to drive less and ride my bike more, i have to admit i love driving around playing my music so loud that i get disdainful looks from fellow drivers. and belting it out like i'm trying to break my windows. i mean. if you don't love doing that, you're crazy.

here's what i've been listening to lately (doesn't really reflect my overall musical taste, just the last few days):
-dr. dre - bad intentions
-tupac - me and my girlfriend, better dayz, shorty wanna be a thug
-aesop rock - none shall pass
-neutral milk hotel - in an aeroplane over the sea
-the arcade fire - rebellion and neighborhood #3
-the ting tings - shut up and let me go
-tribe called quest - electric relaxation
-biggie - life after death album and crush on you
-blood brothers - set fire to the face on fire
-pixies... all

today

pretty much all i did was worked.

apparently one of the water pipes underground in front of the salon is crooked, so we shut down shop at 2pm and had some folks dig a hole the size of a giant's grave in the front parking lot.






support staff stayed and worked despite lack of running water. so brandy and i blasted cable radio and i got so pumped i just couldn't help but sing and dance. along to the likes of wilson phillips and tupac. brandy was also stoked on her new fancy phone so this cheesy shit is what resulted:



we had a management class today and my work got me a special vegan stromboli. free dinner AND lunch tomorrow. niiiice.

on the way home i saw this... creepy purple molester van with an image of a nun leaning over a little girl reading a book. wtf?



and now, i'll collapse...

not the highlights

but still a partial and edible account of my weekend.

sharing 4 entrees at mekong is the win.



fucking tofu with lemongrass. amazing.
then katia and i went on a candy corn quest. didn't find candy corn, did find the most generic tea with awesome packaging. love the design:


and today mags and i realized we just can't do candy like we used to. we barely made a dent in these.

homework

i have to do homework for my job tonight. i thought i'd be done with homework after 18+ years of school, but no.

the things we do for money...

i'm already working for next weekend.

psychic!

my intuition is FAR too good. i think i should trust it from now on, it's been so spot-on lately.

oh well. there are still so many things i don't know. gut feelings won't tell me everything.

i'm gonna sleep the shit out of some sleep tonight.

yelling, sweating, laughing

i have finally, after a pathetic year or so, set up my place the way it needs to be. my drafting table is looking fucking sweet:





i don't expect anyone to understand, but i'm stoked as hell.

also, i know you can't see what this is, but...




any bits of shine you see is the result of me and will's popcorn bag exploding it's fake buttery sploogeness all over the cup holder. the bottom of the bag was just obscene. but will was impressed when i asked the concession dude to layer. yeah it was prih cool.

also, been thinking about seeing how long i can go without cursing, in type or out loud...

i give myself two days max.

trash can message

a couple blocks from my house:



obviously domestic policy is a goner.

i miss kyle

you nyc bastard you.

i'm in yer internetz ganking yer shit

i didn't get much sleep last night. i wish i were still sleeping.

i'm a lucky bitch. i got help. i don't deserve it. things are looking up a bit, although i still have no self control. i keep getting bailed out of trouble. i could never be a really good writer because things have been too easy.

q tip's voice is hot. itunes genius is kind of neat... i'm lazy and never feel like organizing my music, so i'm that person who has their ipod on shuffle and constantly skips over songs until i find something i wanna hear.

i wanna have people over. i wanna hop rocks. i wanna go to the country at night. i wanna pay for one movie and see them all. i wanna get out my aggression. i wanna hold hands with someone special. i wanna do something difficult and feel the reward. i wanna change minds. i wanna change the world, even in just some miniscule way, but i feel so overwhelmed and small. i want to feel that i'm not the only one. i wanna get in the car and drive with no particular destination. i wanna shoot the shit, doing absolutely nothing and feeling like options are endless.

i feel my window slowly closing. i'm on the outside looking in. usually i want it that way, but when i don't, it cuts me deep.

i have a hunger for adventure that keeps growing. with no satiation.

ethical eradication

my day has peaked in these ways thus far:



mccain sticker + buick + 'american diner' = obviously my new bff.

i also found the motherfucker who took the personalized license plate i've always wanted:


"PLATNM G". ya'll know it should belong to me. i'm straight thug. and to back up that assertion, here's my car to prove it, in all it's blinged out glory:



hybrid fail! yeah, back in july my car had an unfortunate run-in with a fence, and some rocks reminded me of that day today. ah well, it's just a flesh wound. with my sister, some spit and a few kicks, we're back in business!



maybe no highways for a while... but ya'll know i hate highways anyway. and OF COURSE this all happened out in chesterfield county. that's what i get.

wtf is up tonight? i gotsta get out, being at home hasn't been good for me, even though i got 12 hours of sleep last night. needs to be free. and fun. might go to the folk festival with some people, but that better not be all.

$crewed

i fucked myself over big time. i'm really angry about it. what a dumb mistake to make... i am forgetful. and i can't fix it until next week. i need to distract myself tonight. i feel out of the loop, i don't know of anything fun going on.

i'm tired of stupid shit getting in the way of a life that hasn't been that awesome lately anyway.

my body is sore. being down makes me get out and work out... plus side... i love having sore arms.

and why the hell would i ever think it's a good idea to talk to my mother? she was sending me inspirational text messages as i was trying to go to sleep and i wanted to throw my phone at the wall. maybe it's not going to get better, ok? maybe i am allowed to hate life for one day. leave me be.

my urge to punch things had gone away for a week or two... it's back now. i need to go...

it's just not doing it for me.

apparently i don't like shopping much anymore. weird.

there is a life size poster of my sister at work now. so glad they took the photo of her, it easily could have been me since i was standing right next to her.



yeah. we look nothing alike. bbff...

thanks for the presents.

a week or two ago, this showed up in my yard, propped up against my fence:

today, this showed up on my porch:

a decorative plate and an ancient rubber hamburger. sweet.

seeing that i live in a fenced-in, secluded house in an alley, it really makes me wonder how they got there...

i can never be as cool as will.

next time you're on w. grace street, check out the door of the place between ipanema and the former red door inn(current weirdly religious vietnamese restaurant). xander records, the ghetto fab record company there, posted photos of their crew, in fancy clothes and street clothes. the title is "Business and Street: Summer 2006 Compilation". tonight will pointed out that he is in fact IN said photos.

it took him quite a while to convince me, but there he is, the only white dude, in all his thug pose glory with "L.R." pointing to him. we don't know what L.R. means. the rest of them have names like Xnatural and forillz-ice.

four years ago he was affiliated with this company through his own electronic music. his cool points just went up twenty-fold. plus he bought me dinner.

my lunches

suck.

katia also got coffee. she decided she needed this in it:


crucial WTF + Energy. natch.

the paycheck pieta

i got a little emotional when the paychecks came yesterday... so close yet so far.

z up in herrr

my dog rules. so civilized.

awesome convo

my ex is into a lady. he's a lil bent out of shape about it. we were discussing.

ME: i'll call her up and be like "yo, you should like [EX]. he's rad. take it from me, i dated him twice"
EX: haha, she knows that
ME: "now no dude is as good as him, so no more dating dudes. that's how awesome he is."
she knows what?
you're rad?
EX: we've talked about past relationships and stuff like that
ME: and how AWESOME i am?!
EX: yes
ME: and how you're always going to talk to me because i rule and nobody should bother being jealous
sweeeeet.
and how expressive i am when i write and make faces?
EX: mostly about how you're not one of the crazy ex's

ok, i'll take that too. fuck yeah.

I'M HUNGRY

FEED ME POPCORN

cleaning out my shit

i'm cleaning my place and realizing i have no clothes that fit anymore.

yay, but fuck. of course when i finally get to this point, that's when i can't afford to buy new clothes. well i guess i'll just have to walk around with baggy pants, nothing hotter than skinny cut pants all baggy. bustin' a sag, bringing it back ya'll. i have only one pair of pants that fit me properly, and who can afford to replace every single item of clothing? fucking bras. only have one of those that fits now too. shrinking titties, yessssss. i'm looking like mary kate olsen bag lady... the less cracked out version.

plus i've got some rod stewart hairdo shit goin' on. my look is pretty ill. i think i'm lookin a little dyke-y, but lbh, i guess i should be ok with that by now. SNAAAAAP oh yeah i said it.

found out that the jacket i want is backordered until DECEMBER... kinda defeats the purpose of getting it. so bummed. they have olive green but i'm really not down with the olive.

my place, previously in the most disgusting state i've ever seen it in (growing all kinds of alien matter and undesirable living organisms throughout areas of my house, come over dudes!!!), is slowly but surely being resurrected back from abode hell. it's sad that only the plan of having company makes me lift a finger around here. maybe i should have people over more often...

cleaning + dr. dre and friends = an ok night.

in the bag

i think i can do this.

thank you, random people. i'm not dreaming anymore.

workin' hard to take it slow...

can i just say

girls have some really irritating ways of circumventing the situation, and setting themselves up to get hurt. they produce drama out of thin air. it's really not necessary. most of them don't want to believe someone isn't actually into them, and they come up with excuses of why someone is acting a certain hurtful way. hey, maybe they just aren't into you... get over it and find someone who deserves you. the first step to that is believing you're worth something good, though... many of our women, not exactly raised to believe in themselves.

and dudes are usually just incredibly dense and callous, and pretty shallow. they miss the point a lot. get a clue, dudes. and don't jerk people around when you know you have power. both of you do that. stringing some poor schmuck along to make you feel better about yourself isn't cool, it isn't 'scene'(or maybe it is, trying to be scene is retarded); it's just fucking stupid and pointless. it does neither of you a favor.

both sexes are ridiculous. i wish people could just be realistic. not pessimistic, not idealistic, just real. istic. they need to meet each other halfway.

better believe if i am ever in any romantic shit i will be straight up. with myself, and with them.

slice it. open it up.

here's me getting all poetic. whatever. don't judge!

---

these years are variables
twisted together like those fairy tale knotted tree trunks
merging hopes and motives
oil and a water,
that never looked better
gliding side by side.

who's changing the world?
the ego can't but try,
battling itself
battling the rest
defeating the weak,
struggling in unrest

i'm the tiny pincers
my secret spear
this is my hidden hook,
this is the liquid solution
pull out your golden book,
push.
push.
push me again.

it's not enough to resolve,
never enough to pledge,
here's the quest; here's the edge
face the problems unsolved
walk to the pragmatic ledge

love's not my forte
hate isn't either
indifference doesn't come easily
find direction in the reader,
and find a new way.
find a new way,
struggle to struggle harder.

redefine the condition.
redefine the condition!

postscript 3000

i'm not all debbie downer.

sold my tv, here's the fuzzy replacement:


my co-worker laura had a bday today and her roommate brought her an edible fruit bouquet (awesome stuff, those things)... this was my steal:



yeah, wussup, pineapple heart. i mean, it was pretty cool, obviously nothing to write home about... takes more than that to get ME wound up...