my sister's boyfriend is a huge fan of the show 'the pick up artist'. if you aren't familiar with this show, check it out here. It's a ridiculous show full of phrases and methods that are supposed to enable the common (or creepy) man with skills to pick up ladies. this got me thinking about my vast knowledge of conquering hearts. and undies. when i'm in bars getting schwasted and picking up some xx chromosomes, these are my most succesful secrets. keep it exclusive ya'll.
-ladies love it when you talk about yourself. the more you do, the better. who wouldn't want to hear about what you ate at thanksgiving? and why your best friend in 4th grade punched you in the face? not to mention every reason why your ex broke up with you. draw up an abbreviated pamphlet of your life so that they are able to study it and really absorb every detail. it's more of a common courtesy than anything else. hand it to said hottie, and then do the 'call me' motion and walk away. i've gotten mad babes this way because they totally dig my honesty and let's get real; who doesn't want to know everything about me?
-this may seem obvious, but stuff your face and then let out as much audible gas (either end acceptable and encouraged). if there's one thing i'm confident about, it's a woman's love and respect for a pursuer's healthy digestive system.
-carry around a boom box and props at all times. ladies love public serenades because it makes them feel special and who doesn't like being the center of attention right off the bat and in front of a crowd? songs to consider: jay z's 'girls girls girls', eminem's 'superman', or any daft punk song. the longer the better. it's all about you--i mean her.
-buy and wear a grill. smile. speak if you want, the lisp is totally hot. how much easier can this get?
-quote as much dane cook stand-up as you know. if possible, conduct entire conversations using only this dialogue.
"so, what do you do?"
"i work at the BK lounge"
"the what?"
"OH YEAH! OH YEAH! kool-aid"
"uuhh..."
"wanna go back to my place and watch a moooooovie?"
-girls are easy. all of them. so just go dance, get sweaty, pop a breath mint and get up in that. tongues belong in throats. they love it!
when you feel a lady drifting away from your magnetic urges (weird right? some girls are just off) you need to save face. your reputation is more important than any lady out there. my personal phrase is "dang my peeps be back! here's a cranberry, dime, i gotta snap up with the rest of my dolla!"
you can thank me later.
1 comment:
Marina this is getting awkward, I'm starting to think that you're totally obsessed with me because I keep reading about myself in your blogs.
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