liquid love

my mom read my blog yesterday. her reading it won't influence what i write. i guess if you know me, you know that. my dad doesn't know about it, to my knowledge. i think he just reads my myspace surveys, all of which have been deleted. my myspace blog awaits the next late night where i yet again cannot sleep and resort to talking about myself in slightly witty, slightly boring epithets. i know you're perched on the edge of your seat.

some opportunities are presenting themselves and i'm actually kind of pumped about them. the prospect of using my degree (in richmond, no less!) almost makes me giddy with excitement and a feeling of good fortune. using my eco-friendly and recycled wares along with my fashion and fitting knowledge is gonna make me one happy (and busy) camper. people have also started coming to me with alterations, and at first i was apprehensive since i never felt that sewing was my forte, but now i've done some of it and i realized i can do it. and it won't look half bad. everyone wins.

i still want to do more non-fashion art... but where's the time? there's so much i want to do, but i've also never been an overachiever. i have to have some R & R in order for me to function at peak. it's an interesting balance to try and strike since i have high standards for myself and an unwillingness to pull a string of all-nighters. i did that in school, and i'm glad i did, but ew.

the year is almost over, and today i was thinking about how i've changed since january. i've shed a literal and figurative weight since then. i was stuck in misguided and old ways that i'd gotten used to, they didn't reflect me. they were a shallow security blanket that definitely made me colder. i still can't quite explain what made me make such drastic and positive changes, but jeez. thank god. i can't imagine living another year stuck down where i was before. i know i sound angry and depressed in my blog on a pretty regular basis, in fact one of my closest friends expressed concern for me last night. the thing you have to understand about me and blogs is that 2/3 of the time that i feel i have something to say, it will not be happy. i feel it is my responsibility as a human being to concern myself with larger matters than just that which immediately surrounds us. although i feel this strongly and i will always commit to it, it can be overwhelming. i cast off psychological weight which opened up the room for me to take on a weight of a more humbling capacity. i wouldn't trade it for the world (no pun intended). i never want to lose sight of how tiny i am in the grand scheme, but i can't let disillusionment take over me or else i'm just another person living lost. my moral responsibility should always come before my personal confusion and depression. it helps guide me through the tough times when my mind tries so hard to pull me into negative thinking. i know i haven't always felt this way, but personally i'm much more at peace with myself. i admit that had to come first before i could focus on everything else and get to a place where i could put my personal issues on the back burner when necessary.

i think i should acknowledge that other people had very little influence on the changes i've made this year. some friendships are weaker, most are stronger because of them. i can't say my friends had no influence, but i have to admit i feel pretty ambivalent towards those who have 'extreme' values and lifestyles for an obvious social gratification. ew dudes, really? it's a fuzzy line to distinguish, between choosing a lifestyle because of your friends, or choosing a lifestyle because of the information you have deliberately researched and processed (via friends, news, music, whatever). honestly i couldn't and wouldn't pick out specific people, because i don't know many people very well, but i do know the likelihood of people doing things just because their friends do. it bums me out, because people who share similar lifestyles to me but don't have their heart in it are extremely disappointing, and i really don't want those people to reflect me. it's kind of irrelevant in the end, because my friends know me and know where my convictions lie. they know i would never do something i don't believe in just because i want someone to like me. it took me five years to get to this point, i'm ready for some commitment. it's the least i can do, for myself and everyone else.

despite how much clearer i feel day to day, there are always times when personal demons get the best of me. everyone has them i guess. sometimes i feel painfully clueless, helpless, worthless and gullible. and yes, sometimes i really do want people to like me (it doesn't happen often, feel special if you're one of them) but i would never sacrifice any of myself to make that happen. when all is said and done, my long term convictions keep me going and give me the strength i need to tell myself to shut the hell up and soldier on.

we are tiny, insignificant seeds with egos the size of redwoods and bulldozers big enough to destroy ourselves and everything else.

get over.