PTO FTW

because of those extra paid time off hours i mentioned before, i will have every friday, saturday and sunday off until 2009. and i get a four day weekend for thanksgiving. stoked. what shall i do with that time?

-mad friendship bracelet making. it was pretty cool getting lost in the child section at barnes and noble this weekend.
-sewing and drawing
-catch up on all the npr i haven't been listening to lately. i took a break after all the economical/election stuff the past few months.
-make vegan dishes for various holiday occasions... next up, carrot cake for t-giving
-learn guitar finally? and am i the only one who accidentally keeps hitting the q key when i type g words? quitar!
-exercise more, cuz whoa it's been a lazy time lately.
-complete some personal challenges i have set for myself. consider it pre-new years resolutions.
-do all the dumb responsible shit i haven't been doing... i.e. car registration, buying flea meds, etc. BORING!
-see my pops more. he misses me.
-take road trip to potomac mills for black friday midnight madness. my friends and i are batshit crazy.
-find more music! suggestions plz?
-get mad tatted up with my sis. she's my number one! i can't wait for vcu break so i can hang with her more.
-save money... this will be difficult with the coming holidays, but i wish i could so that i could travel more and do some things i can't do now.

so there's something that's been on my mind lately. it's kind of a big deal, but it's scary and i don't yet feel comfortable talking about it blatantly. i am fascinated about how things have been unfolding for me, and i'm always curious as to why events and personal growth experiences happen the way they do.

my mom gave me some good advice recently. as much as i sometimes have a hard time talking to her, she spoke some truths that i couldn't really ignore. i was already doing some of the stuff she suggested, but it's scary to take it all the way. it's a frightening thought to really look at yourself, raw and completely. i'm stubborn and in some ways extremely idealistic, and i don't always want to see myself for who i really am, and situations around me for what they are. so yeah, she dragged me a little kicking and screaming, but ultimately helped me finish some of the work i had already started. when i like a person, as a friend or otherwise, i want them to stay in my life. but sometimes they aren't meant to. and sometimes you have to learn that they may or may not have served their purpose. that's hard!

the idea of taking on an entirely new vision of myself scares me shitless. people are shitty and closed-minded. people can be awfully immature and sling out hurtful insults because they don't know how to deal with difference. but i am different. i can't hide it and i can't deny it to myself anymore. it's funny, i always acted like i was willing to say what i feel, be true to myself, etc. but there are some things that we are so ingrained to believe that it took 23 years to realize that that way of life doesn't fit me. it takes a lot of strength to accept a lifestyle that will inevitably be lonelier and more isolating. i'm not completely unused to being the odd one out, a black sheep amongst the herd, but that doesn't make it easy either. despite my fortunate social and family situation, there are still things that i could lose over this. no matter how you think the fallout will go, the future is uncertain. also this doesn't mean i now have a place to go. i don't fit in with the old way, and i definitely don't fit in with the new. i've never been one to collect friends or date around, and now narrowing the possibilities this much more makes the future feel lonely.

this will open up room for whispers behind my back. i don't want to be defined, derogatorily or otherwise. i don't want to be stereotyped. unfortunately these things are probably inevitable. but if i can't be honest with myself i'll never be completely happy. i didn't used to feel confident enough to believe i deserved happiness, but that's silly because everyone does. i am more confident now. i'm almost ready for my happiness to take precedence over their social acceptance. i am scared. true friends will still be my friends, and it won't be easy saying goodbye to the old me and those left back there. this is what it is. looking at things for what they really are.

thanks mom.