keep quiet.

dating is so hard and awkward. newsflash, i know. dating in richmond? virtually impossible. add a couple more difficult circumstances to my personal situation and you'd be a little put off too.

"oh, it's of me and my best friend". eff that.

i don't want to feel obligated to lie about who i am. it's like ordering food and saying i have a food allergy to ensure that it will be vegan. no, it's not a medical thing, it's who i am. i shouldn't have to pretend i'm someone i'm not in order to get what i ask for or deserve. that's admitting shame, and i am not ashamed.
my friends have hilarious stories about failed dates and awkward romantic situations. outrageous stuff. me, i don't have that. my dating history is sparse. i prefer it that way, but i wish i could at least find humor in what didn't work out. somehow, getting beat up by an ex-boyfriend... not that funny! imagine that!
the most recent visitor on my romantic plane was indeed awkward. i was very outside of my element which i really doubt put them at ease. i dare say they felt the same. as little as we knew each other, i learned a great deal about myself and for that i thank them. i'm not sure how they went away from it, the communication was minimal and could be interpreted in different ways. if i did it again i would have done things differently, but c'est la vie.
casual dating is configured to be as difficult as possible. place two people in a restaurant to make awkward conversation where the silences are plentiful and painful and there is at least one moment where you both start speaking at the same time. staring face-to-face, twiddling thumbs... and then eating in public. eating is probably one of the most attractive things you can do with your face with someone you don't know. i won't even try to depict the discomfort and uncertainty of ending such an evening. i'm sure most of us have been there.
yeah... whoever came up with the dating convention definitely had a penchant for social awkwardness. good job there. it works. if/when there's a next time, can it at least be funny? if i can't be with someone good, i think my enthusiasm and endearment deserve at least that much of a reward.

i might be alone for a long time. right now, i'm feeling okay with that. i am focusing on my life and making it what i want it to be. life is pretty good. honestly, i don't have the desire to ever go on a date with someone new again. i would if someone awesome asked me, and realistically i probably will, but i've had enough awkwardness to last a lifetime.