photo 12 & 13

Sorry for the photo lapse, guys. It's been crazy busy and I'm trying to keep up!

Shawnee and Alison came over last night. Got some panther joose before babe's karaoke. because yeah, we got it like that.

photo 11

tonight was our last cosmetology class for the semester. we have one more semester to go. tonight we had a last class party, and we also went to another classroom where 2nd semester students had placed their final projects. our class got to vote on them! Unfortunately, the winner didn't make it into the photo frame, but it included lots of finger waves, glitter hairspray, spiral curls and a fake monroe rhinestone piercing. oh, i can't wait for next semester!

photo 10

after today, this is what i did. balanced my wine glass on the wine bottle, and posed with it. yeah.

i miss some of my friends. i miss you girls.. i wish we could all hang out again and have things be okay. hopefully, someday. until then, i'm doing everything i can to live right by myself and everyone else. it's a constant learning process.

i will be hanging out with some other friends this week that i don't see much, and i'm really excited. things could be worse.

photo 9

too tired to take a photo of anything. sorry there's a canned one for today.

photo 8

stayed up way too late to make a pumpkin pie for thanksgiving dinner #2 at dad's tonight. it's right after work so i had to make the dessert last night. i was carrying it, perfectly browned and amazing, to the fridge when the pie pan crumbled under my hands. words cannot describe how upset i was. it's probably sad that i was that angry.

photo 7

fuuuuuuuuuuuh

photo 6

so many pies. no smoke in the house this time. happy thanksgiving.

photo 5

this view is heaven tonight. i'm gonna sleep so hard tonight.

photo 4

they need a mother who is home more.

photo #3

i performed a makeover today. color, cut and brow wax. before:

after:

photo #2

frustrated and with caffeine headache.

ideasideasideas

I have some updates but right now I need to make half-moon fried pies for a Thanksgiving potluck tonight!

So, quickly... my friend in NC is doing a photo-a-day and I decided to do it too.

Keep track of hers here: scantron's blog.

and keep track of mine on this here blog.

just got off work.

low hums.

i'm taking a break.

a life detox.

seeeee ya.

doomore

i need to get shit done.

i know i have friends, i can do that. now where's my substance?

time to lay the gridwork for some serious shit.

first on my list?

baking.

okay. after the baking. sewing. cleaning. reading. learning. making tiny differences.

i'm always reminded how fleeting and decisive first impressions are. i'm going to focus the energy i've recently been using to wonder about people and their interactions with me into productivity instead. so few people know me how i feel i am.

and so, we bake!

(and below... fuckin' story of my life. why don't i feel i ever have time for anything?)

thick skin

stokin' over...

-mochas in my travel coffee mug
-my organized, cute bedroom, complete with fuzzy sleepy animals
-my new replacement winter coat
-my amazing roommate, watching army of darkness in the living room right now
-being able to wear jeans to work during october
-learning new skills at work and school
-art! change!
-the lyrics to 'pink love' by blonde redhead
-hanging out with h-bomb
-hanging out with lynn in wilmington nc on friday
-tom's wedding. i wonder when the wave of baby making will start?
-traveling!

<3

one i liked today:



i'm simultaneously becoming more romantic and more suspicious.

birthday shh. birthday shh.

tell me how it makes any sense to play the fray on "Blazin' 97 - your #1 station for hiphop and r&b".

not okay.

after three hours of sleep and working and schooling all day, i really just don't appreciate this joke of a radio station. i have a shitty raunchy hiphop/r&b quota to fill here, people.

all i want

is for everyone to be happy.

sucks that i can't personally make that happen. sucks worse when i feel partly responsible for making people unhappy when i feel the circumstances are out of my control, short of me not having fun.

and i have to have fun. good, fairly clean fun.

sorry dudes. you know i try rill hard.

all i want

is to have all my friends from last night write their own blog entry. not one person involved had a tame night. damn propriety and its limitations.

my friends are the fuckin' best (yeah i play the drake song and think of them) and they know how to have fun. i live for those dudes.

i really wish my eyes were a camera and i could show some images from rva pride '09. the not-parade parade was a disappointment. i wish we could bring it back to carytown. it was at babe's where everyone pulled out the stops. sofuckingtight.

anyway, if you weren't there, it's probably time to be bummed.

and now for my last week working in guest services. sunday i officially start touching people's heads for a living.

LML

with a handshake like that, girl.

WORK
SCHOOL
WORK
PRIDE
GHEY PRIDE AFTERPARTEEZ
STATE FAIR

down? get stoked.

get. at. me.

funz0rs l0lz

map frags

hey! hi.

it's been a pretty good week, i guess. let's see...

saturday we went out as usual. the evening was incredibly well-rounded and encompassed an impressive amount of tiny events. one of my close friends palm-hit me in the eye while dancing, i had a plastered gay boy ask me if i were a lesbian, only to be disappointed and reply "oh... well all we can do is dance, then!" and proceed to imitate the drum beat on my ass cheeks. had a few run-ins with two very friendly and stylistically unfortunate lesbians throughout the evening (one ended up paying my way later on). the evening ended at fielden's... and i don't have the energy to go into THAT experience. just make sure you have a GOOD bathroom door guard!

i'm not really sure when i started going out so much... and actually making fun come out of it most of the time. pretty sure nicole is largely to thank, though.

the rest of my week has been spent working, schooling and little mexico-ing. life could be worse.

i'm going to start training to be an apprentice next week. it'll be official in the middle of october. i'm worried about money, not eating like i need to, and not getting nearly enough exercise. i'm also just at a point, and have had such a day where i am prone to being hard on myself.

but fall is upon us and that always cheers me up. if anyone wants to come cook at my house, or just do free activities with me, please, let's.

and thanks to angie and this dykes link, i get to go to bed with images like this running through my head.



maybe she knew i had a rough day?

xoxoxo

oh and P.S. when can i travel again? please? what, you need money for that? pfffft, aiiiight.

it's called perky purple

whattup fools.

sometimes i surprise myself by how well i deal with situations. other times i completely drop the ball and wonder WTH my problem is. i am currently undecided with this one, just because i'm reluctant to follow through. it's a tricky situation when you're handling something well and the other party is not. it's hard for me to step away because i care, but i think i'm making it harder overall by being around (just text contact, but still). it really is unfortunate that it went down this way.

man. fuckin' bein' a grown up. it's what has to happen, right? all of the people i care about know that i am doing what i think is right for everyone involved. y'all know i got my heartpiece in the right place and the rest is for fun, right? alright.

anyway.

i started school. i think everyone at work was right about the class being a waste of time, but of course i'll try and make the most of it. since my co-worker and i are doing it together, it'll at least be funny. it's too bad though, i love school and i love learning. i am excited about the textbook. i'm gonna take a quick guess that MOST people who go into cosmetology don't get super stoked on the science part of it all. the color chemistry, the makeup of hair and skin cells, all that. muscle anatomy and how the hair and skin behave and react. shit, that gets me all tingly. i like learning all the whys and hows.

i'm used to the pace being so much faster in school, i'm used to a lot of work. i don't really know what to do with this middle-school homework rate. i hate an easy A when i don't have other classes kicking my ass. once my official apprenticeship begins, maybe i'll eat my words.

i have a super busy week ahead of me. i'm gonna go DO HOMEWORK before i eat up some tacos!

interlude in the nude

last night!

an acquaintance brought her babydyke friend over to our circle. upon being introduced to me, BD exclaims "Marina? ooooooh! i love that name. SO. are you JUST like Marina from the L word?" blinky-blink button-down long unkempt high school hair blink.

"yeah. everything but the accent, girl."

i'm married with an estranged longtime girlfriend and i've tried to kill myself with pills after a nervous breakdown. oh and if we've fucked, i might try to steal your girlfriend once i'm tired of you.

yeah girl, yeah. wanna dance?

KRUNK MOVEMENT

XXXXX: I did something wacky crazy kooky today

XXXXX: I bought chocolate milk. for my coffee.

oh boy.

i hate feeling like a teenager

i feel worthless and foolish. over and over and over again.

i dread work tomorrow.

gritty mouth feel.

hey blog. long time.

every time i travel i miss it more when i come home. i've decided to start an apprenticeship in a few months at the salon where i work, and with that i will gain knowledge and inevitable excitement. i will lose money and stability. and probably the ability to travel much at all.

all the more reason why i'm glad i had a good trip. even if that meant i fell asleep at 11pm every night. whatever, so sometimes it's normal to get wasted at 7pm. normal.

seeing sage was great... i have no idea when i last had a real talk with him, so it was awesome just walking around talking. it was the most fulfilling, and so much better than my trip to austin. just goes to show how much the people you stay with can affect your experience.

i didn't even realize i needed to get away until a few days before i left. once i was gone (and was forced NOT to worry about unpacking and all the shit i need to do) i realized how oppressed i'd been feeling lately. what a gross feeling. i've moved into my new apartment, but that's about the only life component that feels solid.

there's always so much to get done and i find myself taking up my time just thinking about it all. i'm a useful girl.

listen to my ears and i'll call you by name from between my fingers.

I have had nothing to write about!!!!

one dollar each.

hey hey... i need to go to sleep but i thought i'd update this ish a tiny bit before i do that.

i went to austin with my friend magen last week. it was an okay trip, nice to get out of richmond but somewhat anticlimactic. i spent too much and now i'm back, concerned about money... but that's nothing new is it?

my hours have been cut at work. i'd like to think i'll make the most of the extra time, but so far i've been a bum. once the more meager paychecks start rolling in maybe i'll find the motivation to do some extracurricular money making. i really am a bum, though.

i have the itch to move again. a serious, deep itch, as it always is. this time i mean business and it's going to happen one way or another.

i've been worried about my dad but still not finding much more time to be over there than before. a family friend is setting up a calender of friends to help them out and so i'll be going over there every wednesday to put in as much time as i can and do as many chores as possible to take the load off of cynthia. i'm trying to focus on the positivity of helping out on those days in the future instead of feeling incredibly guilty for being a bad daughter.

i think we're all impatient for spring to be upon us. i am pretty over this weather. the time change really helped though, i anticipate many a dog walks in my future. stoked about that. really wish i were back in the fan already, but patience is something i'm forever learning to have, right?

alright, i should have been in bed an hour ago, i have another 9 hour shift ahead of me. nightnight!

the fist that docility breeds.

MINDFUCK BITCH LECTURE HENCEFORTH.

i am stressed. i am tense. there is always so much to do and i tend to freeze up. same old story.

everything is fine. in the grand scheme, everything is really quite good. but i tend to jump ahead and think about things that are neither here nor there, don't i?

work is difficult. could be worse. but i miss the simplicity from before, and the added responsibility is daunting. i had forgotten how it felt to be depended upon in a professional setting. probably because i never REALLY have felt that before. there are so many meetings, my time is taken up much more than before. the criteria is strict and revision constant. i can't meet all these expectations. i am trying to remind myself how lucky i am to have job stability at all. i find myself failing.

patience is a virtue i never really had. i want to do the right thing, act the best way. it's hard. i get frustrated. i get illogical and i want things i don't deserve. it's not cute, it's not attractive. but this is another exercise in patience and human relationships. i'm concerned about the future. when do you know when you do deserve something? when is it fair to ask? is it ever?

maybe not. and why do i bother thinking about presently inconsequential bullshit? i also worry that a routine will be set, time passes and the kicked up dust settles too much. the idea that everyone gets bored frightens me. it's not as much me that i'm worried about... i take that back. i worry about myself too, but in the opposite way. i worry about jumping ahead and being so eager to establish patterns and relationships that i ignore problems and warnings.

there are so many fine lines to try and balance on, it's like a grid of fishing line. elusive and slippery. despite the obvious challenge, i chastise myself for not being a pro by now.

i guess the bottom line is that i feel a lot of pressure all around to do the right thing all the time. and sometimes i just crumble under the pressure. so i'm sorry if i disappoint. it's only because i tried too hard and probably cared too much.

sicle

i have a girlfriend now.

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP BITCHES

she's awesome. i'm shameless. i'll try not to be irritating about it.

i bought some cookbooks today and i'm REALLY excited about them. today has been a day of aspirations. my brain is all running amok with ideas and plans for the future... there is so much i want to DO.

the weather was also fantastic today. warm. overcast. i'm down. i know it's going to get cold again (which is good, G-Warming has been droppin' EP's crazy often) but it's been fun to think about wearing summer clothes and doing springy type activities.

i feel pretty good at work. the stuff i learned during training really clicked and it doesn't feel very intimidating anymore. i can do it! and i got out of work an hour and a half early, resulting in my cookbook quest. successful day all around.

and of course now that i am home and sleep is attainable... i don't sleep. cool, right? i'm smart, buddy.

i like the challenge. today, i'm game. and i'm biting.

pretty as a diagram.

so, i wrote an entry yesterday and deleted it two hours later. i try not to delete them, but my mood was so fleeting that i didn't feel like causing a ripple over something that didn't exist anymore.

last night a bunch of my buddies and i went duckpin bowling. it was fantastic. i was pretty okay at it! i had a lot of practice since i was bowling on both lanes. i'm such an overachiever.

i have very little to say today. sorry, my blog, all my worldwide faithful readers... there are things going on, awesome and not so. i always thought that someone with a disgusting house has some sort of depression; that their house is a reflection of their inner turmoil or some shit. i am not without conflicts, but overall i'm pleased. so i guess my (usually harsh and prematurely formed) judgment was pretty off.

for the weekend:
-help dad with some disc backup thing; hang out with katia at the same time
-buy cat food
-clean house
-produce mood board/illustrations for photo shoot garments
-cook?
-get my dance on at one or more of the party times happening tonight.
-sleep a lot

mmm my weekend sounds mundane. i could throw in some trying-to-be-interesting sounding bits referencing some trendy chuck palahnuik or the new ferocious green album, but let's be honest, many of us, most of the time, have lists like this.

i would like some pancakes. hot ones. with maple syrup. aggagahghaghhahghhhh.

also, this is like the new postsecret for me. my friend got me addicted (thanks, i really needed another inter-addiction)... a softer world.

here're a couple good'n's for today.
(on the actual image if you scroll over it with your cursor it says 'but not in packs, please')

by the way, my friend just told me had a dream where she joined twitter. i was in the dream but she couldn't remember what i was doing. duh! what else? i was probably @emilyh-ing.

yeah, this is my life... jealous?

raccoons!

i am becoming nocturnal.

i am trying to stay grounded and level-headed within a baby of a whirlwind. it's silly. not to undermine the people involved, but i mean. isn't it all just kind of silly? my sentiments are, i'll be the first to admit it.

there's a difference between someone deliberately jerking you around, and someone who is genuine. but still... why would i...

i repeat to myself over and over, be a friend, be a friend. be simple. be gentle, be caring. don't shout, if you can help it. don't wax dramatic (well hey, i am unable to follow that one, but i am definitely not the worst) and don't deny yourself. and thus, you are a walking contradiction. and i knew things were simple before, and they still are, but the most exhausting and overcomplicated paths have been tread in order to avoid this knowledge.

simple. i try. convincing...

i really am becoming 'that girl'. i.e. that 'what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about' girl. i'm so proud.

don't take it personal

firstly, i love emily. god she listens to me talkin' some shit. she reminded me of this song... i had forgotten about it! how could i do such a thing? anyway it was somewhat in context of the conversation...



and along with that song, one of my ALL TIME favorites:



i need that white jumpsuit...

right now i'm making a spinach olive lasagna and chocolate sprinkle cake for my boss who had surgery two weeks ago. and for me and my sister to eat off of too... pictures later, prepare to be jealous...

challengers

i wish i could make a private journal entry so i could choose who sees it, i need to get some shit off my chest. but i guess i'll just... not. writing it all out and erasing it doesn't do it for me. i already did that. i am fighting pride. i'm fighting the urge to do what's wrong when i've already technically dealt with the situation. it's over and done.

i wish i could get away from richmond for a while... but the problem is you can never really go somewhere and be a new person. i feel incredibly misunderstood and don't really know how to convince people that everything i've done and everything i do comes from trying to reach a balance between what is best for everyone, including myself. it's not often where doing what's right for me fucks something else up, so it's been a great challenge for me to not beat myself up over it. although really, let's be honest, it was the fucking up that came first that made me have to rescue myself.

i just need to not care. because it is impossible for everyone to be cool with you. there's going to be someone who isn't... there's going to be someone who has an image of you that isn't on point... so fuck it, right? all i can do is what's best for myself and try to do it in a way that causes the least amount of destruction. i could have done a better job of this before. but i was wronged and sometimes you have to cut the cord, albeit crudely, before you get strung along it that much more.

you live and you learn. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. not everyone can be friends, although if i had my way, we all would be. i honestly harbor no resentment towards anybody.

i only burn bridges when necessary. it's not easy, but we all have to make choices. it makes me sad that things have to operate that way sometimes...

for gossip girl fans

uuuuh this just totally got me in a better mood.

full frontal

i'm not feeling that stoked on updating right now, but i feel like if i don't, it won't happen for a long time. i guess there isn't really anything wrong with that, though.

i've had a great weekend... i bought tickets for austin, so it's official that i'll be going in march. really looking forward to it! also saw a lot of friends yesterday and that felt awesome. went dancing, participated in a lot of ridiculousness. finally saw milk, and it is indeed good.

what else... i've been thinking about stuff that doesn't belong in this blog.

i'm going to get out of the house.

waist to hip ratio

sometimes i like hunger. it makes me feel alive... it makes me feel mortal. dramatic of me to say, yes, but these days i don't deny whatever ridiculous thought come to mind.

i am getting a little sick, i was supposed to go out tonight. my voice is half an octave lower than usual. time to get my sex-line gig back up and running. i'm staying in because i can't afford to miss work tomorrow.

i am both unimpressed and excited by things and people i encounter. perspective is so important... the same quality could be called disillusionment or realism. i have no idealistic tendencies anymore. i've been trust-broken.

and everything is good. i am hungry for all the differences and offerings life will present in the future... i look forward, i feel good, i am thankful to everybody involved and feel optimistic. these women who have briefly touched me are ones i have a respect for, in a strange way. each one had a different purpose, and i hope that i had gained everything possible from them with all the insight i could muster. it's easy to blow positive experiences out of proportion, and also easy to blow negative ones too.

richmond is too small to hold grudges. ladies, why bother? dance parties solve everything. drama is in the eye of the beholder. i just want to have a good time, not think about it too much. i don't want to settle down, i don't want to slut it out, i'm just here to absorb life and maybe throw out some posi.

i'm just here to fuckin' daaaance, bitches!

three years ago in a kitchen in italy.

this is one of my favorite videos of all time. it deserves a place on my all-important blog. sincerity and self-sacrifice can still pay off, apparently, if you're a milk carton.

sesh #58

two things.

i can't tolerate fake people. they are a waste of my time and i am only interested in genuine, sincere people who have their hearts in honorable places and work hard and play hard. i'm lucky to have awesome friends who encapsulate these traits, however in the last year i've been meeting a lot more people. i had forgotten that there are people out there who do not meet my criteria. at all. this is all fine and good, i don't expect everyone to be what i want in myself, BUT!...

it's been a challenge learning how to be careful. since i'm not used to dealing with these scheisty-ass fakers, i need to be cautious and keep myself protected before i start throwing the word 'friend' around. and what the fuck is up with fake, contradictory people saying THEY want genuine people in their lives? i get to know them and slowly the holes in their stories reveal themselves... how do they think they deserve honest people in their lives when they aren't honest themselves? if they keep getting disappointed, i do not feel sorry for them.

thing number two...

those i care about know i'm gay, and i guess other people are figuring it out too. blahblah that's that. but with that comes all this bullshit about lesbians not wanting to hang out with other inexperienced lesbians. i guess if all i cared about was sex then yeah sure, fair enough. but really? i think it's a pretty fucked up stipulation that will keep you from possibly finding someone worthwhile (if that's something you're interested in).

i know that if someone can't see past that, then i shouldn't give a shit about them anyway because their priorities are too different from mine. but i feel resentful that the physical is enough to hold people back from learning more. then there is always the comparison to people not hiring you for a job because you don't have enough experience in that job. thanks for labeling me a lost cause when you don't even know me.

dating is enough like some emotional job interview process, i guess i shouldn't be surprised that the criticism and judgment extend further and deeper.

oh well, your loss.

posi new

last night was fun! i hope everyone had a good new years. i was surrounded by some of my favorite people and couldn't have asked for more.

seeing as how i actually kept a couple new years resolutions from last year, i feel somewhat confident making some more for this year. here goes...

-finish getting my body in shape. 15 pounds to go and toning all around. so doable.
-save money. this one is always hard for me, but it is instrumental in order for me to do the next one, which is...
-travel more. i can't handle this rva-for-the-whole-year bullshit. i will hopefully go to austin for sxsw and nyc and chicago to visit friends. no, not hope, i WILL. dammit.
-finally get my shit on etsy.com and stop wasting time being lazy (and admittedly, blogging! sheesh, all for like, what, five people?)

pretty stoked for 2009. 2008 was probably one of the most important years of my life. i did a lot of work, and i'm excited to enjoy the fruits of my labor a wee bit this year.

and my birthday is coming up soon! presents and fun friend time y'all.