the wane game

i've been walking a lot. it clears my head, and my dog and i both get some exercise. it's also convenient to leave my house, no driving to a gym. also, it's free. plus i'm outside seeing what the fuck is going on with the seasons and stuff, rather than gluing my face to a tv while on a treadmill. granted, 99% of the time i carry my ipod, but the music/npr podcasts help me forget about everything i don't want to think about for 1-2 hours. i happily lose track of time. i arrive home with(in this weather) a runny nose and much clearer conscience.

of course, if anyone ever wanted to accompany me, that would be cool. it doesn't have to be exclusive alone time. i sometimes go on walks with other people, but i've found that most people are too busy to do that. their schedules vary too greatly from mine. also, to many people it's not 'doing something'... it's my dog chore that i have to get over with before i can hang out. i do have to do it, but i am glad.

on my walks i have found every type of roadkill under a deer's size, as well as many live animals. i found a live baby snake in the middle of the road a couple weeks ago. turtles, chipmunks... things you forget are still in the city. i see all the plants and weird seasonal details that you don't notice when riding a bike or driving; you're going too fast. it's awesome to see this stuff. i smell the fire from someone's house in the fall, and the flowers in someone's yard in the spring. i get time away from everyone, i don't have (or want) to talk. i see things that nobody else will see or notice, and they are my tiny secrets.

i also wander into neighborhoods all around mine... i like to mix it up. it's fascinating how different the houses and atmospheres are from neighborhood to neighborhood. you can walk fifteen minutes and be in a completely different world.

i like being able to block people out completely when i want to. rarely do i find myself having to talk to someone on a walk. but sometimes i also witness other people's secrets. it's really incredible how most people seem not to believe in curtains or blinds. thus, i have seen intimate embraces and fights alike. i saw a man tenderly caressing a woman's face. i saw people hanging out. mostly, i see people quietly sitting, alone. i wonder what they're thinking. sometimes they see me, sometimes they don't. sometimes they watch me too. i wonder if they wonder about me.

it's strange and entirely fitting that i see so much from the outside looking in. i'm not searching, it's just that i see.

in their solitary and private moments, i see the weary. i see the loved. i see people when they're not pretending. here's when i learn compassion. maybe someday someone will really see me too, in my quiet.