scarlet fever

there are some areas of life where i am insensibly clear. in others, i'm denser than my mom's homemade bread.

i feel liberated and grateful to finally be learning lessons that have taken me for-freakin-ever to get through my thick skull. a girl can't but try her darnedest, yes?

priorities have once again shifted. i am letting in new aspects, but making room wasn't easy or smooth. there was a necessary absence for several years, and though it has been filled, there is no one face or event responsible for it. and even though i float at the brim of my newly filled cup, the waters are churning wildly underneath. they have yet to settle, but goddammit i am working hard to make it happen. it is a conscious effort.

i'm throwing away my pinpoints. the days of cruelty and self-aggravation have passed. the days of criticism and self-deprecation have passed. the days of whirlwind thinking have passed. each day i think i'm done, but each day i learn more and see how much farther i have to go. and we should be enjoying the journey rather than criticizing the tiny scenic eyesores or worrying about the broken wagon wheel. enjoy the journey, with all its trials and tribulations. all the casual passing faces are valuable in their temporary nature. place less stress all around and in turn trust that things will eventually (but never completely) fall into place.

i can hope that those that i've met will take my shortcomings with a grain of salt, but i realize that first impressions are heavy dictators and early friendships are delicate and prone to easy disintegration. this is where i try to be thankful for what has passed and how i am better for it... and try not to concern myself about how small richmond is and what shit gossip people like to spread. ultimately i'm the only one who knows exactly who i am, and there are very few other people who have any idea.

and yes, i am totally making a life metaphor out of the oregon trail game with that wagon wheel bit. act like you don't love my old school reference.

<3 friends

last night's self indulgent emo post is brought to you by a week off from work.

remind me never to take that much time off from work and stay in rva! of course it wasn't supposed to happen that way, but man, it was no good. i'm stoked to go back to work tomorrow.

tonight i get precious out-of-town friend hang, and tomorrow too. and then new year's eve. and another four days off. jesus.

i'm gonna go make it happen now.

here are photos from this week that make me happy:




my friends make me cry.
kyle is famous.

and then zoe. because she is the best dog ever and how could i be bummed looking at that face?

nobody likes a flake.

i was supposed to go out and do a bunch of stuff tonight, and anxiety has completely overtaken me. maybe i'll shake it off, but i think i'm giving in instead. COOL!

more and more i try to 'dress up' and end up getting so incredibly irritated by the way my old clothes fit that i just get super frustrated. i can't afford new clothes and i don't even know what style i have now anyway. although i wouldn't go back, i now have to reinvent myself. i look better, but now nothing looks good. i don't know what size i am, i have a drawer full of too-big bras... i haven't lost weight in the past couple weeks but my tits keep shrinking. it's a good thing i never really liked those things much anyway.

i consider myself a happy person. but often these days i'll find myself in a quiet moment, in the background of a group or crowd, and i feel my stomach fall to the floor with anxiety, isolation and a feeling of hopelessness. i keep feeling like life is going by too fast and it's slipping away... i don't have the energy or the wherewithal to grasp it in time and make the most of it.

i want a train ticket. i want to go hiking. i want a good fucking outfit.

i'm going to go try and sleep off my drama... i hope everyone has a fun night tonight!

quick-date

christmas was weird this year. neither katia and i or our richmond parents were prepared for us to be in town, thus a wee bit of scrambling all around resulted. i also feel bad because our mother was so looking forward to us being in seattle for the first time for christmas, and she has been extremely disappointed. i also miss her.

but the holiday was fine. very low key... a little too low key for my taste, really. it was nice being able to sleep in and watch movies, since i never do that. but i'm the kind of person who needs structure or else i end up laying around wasting the day. not cool, and i end up feeling kind of mopey and crummy.

i always feel nostalgic when my out-of-town friends come back. my heart aches because i miss them so much and it reminds me of how the time has passed. how we aren't kids anymore. but we always are. i love them. i will never understand what i did so right that granted me friends so genuine and caring. this is the first year that death has touched me directly, and it definitely makes you see things in a more precious way. life is so short. don't ever forget to tell people how much they mean to you. they may not be there as long as you think.

as much as i wanted out of richmond for christmas, i wouldn't have been able to see many of my friends had i gone to seattle. my christmas trip being foiled makes me want to plan future trips even more. now that i have friends in desirable vacation spots, i need to make the most of it! nyc, chicago, come the warmer months and i plan to get all up in that. and once again, seattle.

i guess i should sleep. having more than a week off is making me nocturnal.

i hope everyone had a nice holiday!

living room dance fest

so...

i'm wide awake... hung out as much as i could but everyone else is a party pooper!

be jealous. it's me, my living room, en vogue, and this booty. sup 2am dance party?

oh yeah and i'm not leaving rva for the holidays. so... i plan on making the most of it, in a few ways. mad hangs, art-procuring, quality doggie time... etc.

drinking coffee always makes for a good marina time! i shudder to think what would happen if i ever really did drugs.

just smile all the time

my trip got postponed due to weather. i am leaving for seattle tomorrow afternoon.

i've been going to parties. hanging out with friends a lot. getting christmas presents ready and getting my place clean. i dropped my dog off at the vet to be boarded on saturday, and while my cats are pretty pleased to spend uninterrupted time with me, i do miss her.

i don't think i have enough money for the next month. i'll manage, i always do.

i think i have the best friends anyone could ask for. and family. despite my tendency to get caught up in trivial bullshit, i never forget that.

i need to do what's best for myself. my actions will reflect that from now on.

life is my personal party, holla! it's too short to sweat the small stuff.

suspicious.

why do people say "oh, you shouldn't do that, you're too pretty to [drink, smoke, fuck, fight, deface, etc]"?

because if you're ugly, then please, go right ahead! trash yourself to kingdom come, because the world doesn't care. if you are conventionally attractive the majority of people hold you higher in value, but you are judged more harshly. appearances are double-edged swords either way.

i could count the world's injustices and prejudices, tiny and monumental, thousands of times over on my hands. but i think my energy is better focused by loving on my friends. c'mere, friends. lemme love on ya.

wow, this blog is such spontaneous word vomit.

ps... remember moist? oh, 1996.

boarding petless

today completely beat me into submission. i love my co-workers.

right now i'm going to walk for as long as possible... then hang out with lauren. always a guaranteed good time.

and i forgot deodorant today so i'm smelling awesome right now! lauren's going to be stoked. mmm pits. let's cuddle.

the crazy keeps happening.

the days haven't gotten less weird.

my friend got hit by a car. an acquaintance had a 5 month miscarriage. mom lost her job. my ex/close friend is threatening not to come back from europe. katia's car broke down and is stationed behind my house. my dog got loose. more drama, drama drama.

last night a car was parked in the alley blasting the loudest music ever at 2 AM. then they were doing donuts back there and burned rubber coming and going a couple of times. one of these days i swear one of those drunk assholes is going to ram into my house. i also heard footsteps come around my bedroom. ugh, it scared the shit out of me. i'm glad i at least have a dog with a loud bark. it's times like that that i wish i had roommates.

on a lighter note, i made some pretty good oatmeal chocolate chip cookies yesterday for deanna's birthday. try it out if you want: vegan oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe! her party was fun. some of the usual suspects were there that always guarantee a good time. and this will be a short work week before my christmas vacation. i can't believe i'll be seeing mom in a week, time has passed so fast in the last few months, although at times it felt painfully slow. 2008 is almost over, and man, what a crazy year it's been.

this entry is lame. oh well! i'm not in a bad mood, just feeling kind of dazed. but this is sure to cheer the most bummed out person up, nevertheless:

SNL Digital Short - Jizz in my pants - 12/06/08 - watch more funny videos

floating between my ears

-britney's song 'phonography' is insane. read the lyrics. i love it. i hate it. it's britney.

-life is a never ending journey to figure out who you are. you get closer and closer to the full picture, but you can never complete it because there's always something changing. i like it.

-i am glad my dog seems to have a stomach of steel. cat litter, the natural stool hardener?

-i've texted more in the last two days than in the last two weeks. i'm alright with this. plus the iphone makes it WAY too easy to send rapid fire texts... i forget that people with other phones are getting bombarded. sorry!

-i really need to get going on christmas presents. i can't believe it's going to be here in two weeks. good lord.

-the last couple of days have been different. my mom is in crisis, my sister has been finishing her semester stressfully, little daily things have been throwing me a bit. other things that are too private to post here, one very bad and one very good. i don't want to jinx anything... i just want to do the right things for those i care about, and have a good time without thinking too much. amazingly i haven't been overanalyzing this time.

okay. i'm determined to get out of the house earlier than 4pm on my friday off this time... have a good day!

he's just full of zings.

ME: so... i'm a little weirded out that i had a loaf of bread for 3 months, and it still hasn't grown mold.
i'm toasting some as we speak.
is that wrong?
FRIEND: no
you have to take advantage of the situation
it's super bread
and by eating it you'll probably be super too!
ME: oh boy
what kind of super powers do you think one could get from supernatural bread?
FRIEND: I hope it has nothing to do with yeast.

(ps does anyone want to go grocery shopping for me? this is getting ridiculous...)

i'm lucky to have these friends.

FRIEND: do you think that id look sweet with a prince valiant haircut?
ME: yes.
FRIEND: thats what i said
ME: to whom?
FRIEND: to the mirror
and like a space suit
not an astronaut suit
but like a silver sparkly space suit with an awesome collar
ME: i'm expecting you to look like this next time we hang out.
if you aren't, i will not speak to you.
FRIEND: well it might be after xmas then
pure silver and lights arent cheap

yo lemme chomp on ya

i'm thinkin' i'm going to stay in tonight. i'm in that mood where if someone calls me to go out, i will, but i'm not seeking anything. plus i got an iphone yesterday and i haven't gotten a chance to play with it much yet.

so i went to the DMV yesterday. someone loves me, because i ended up having such an entertaining time there. the minute i sit down, a middle-aged man comes up to me and heartily embraces me, asking if i'm getting new plates and wondering 'how are things at pleasant's hardware?'. visibly confused, we figure out that i'm not the person he thought i was and he tries to brush it off by exclaiming i have a twin. i always find it interesting when people say i look just like someone they know, because i've never met anyone who looks like me. ugly or pretty, i don't think i have a generic face. so i might have to check out this doppelganger at pleasant's sometime.

i also saw the old drugged out janitor from when i went to open high (he was fired while i was going to school there) and one of our clients at the salon who does all the booking for the national.

the best part happened when i left. i walked out, holding the door for the guy behind me. picture lil' john, with white sunglasses and a tan fake leather jacket and pants. his hair was braided instead of dreaded, but i expected a 'yeah!' out of his mouth anyway. as we're both walking to our cars, this dialogue ensued:

Lil John: Yo girl, i don't mean no disrespect, but i just want you to know, them jeans hug your ass perfect!
Me: Uh, thanks! (i keep walking, drifting away from him towards my car)
Lil' John: I mean, I'm not tryin'a get in on your boyfriend's territory or nothin', but damn if i could get with that i would straight eat on those buttcheeks... *inaudible*...chomp on them... *inaudible*...ass... buttcheeks... damn girl...

that's some romance, The Notebook style. totally makes me want to date men again. thanks Lil' John!

hunter gatherer

FRIEND: man if you werent vegan you should come eat my specials tonight theyre off the chain
ME: awwwe
ME: i would love to! my dinner is in front of me. jar of pickles, jar of applesauce, planters mixed nuts. boooo
FRIEND: ew really? thats not a meal
FRIEND: what the fuck i just got mad at that

nouvelle vague

these are a changin' times.
in and out.
i learned more how to keep quiet and i'm sorry for anyone who may have been hurt by my openness. some things are meant to keep private, and i wish i could go back, but i can't. i don't want to live in the past but i wish i could have another chance.
sorry if i unintentionally made things harder.

another thing i can't take credit for

yeah. my sister is the self-proclaimed queen of procrastination. i might argue with her... but i think she's right. anyway, i didn't know about this commercial until she showed it to me on youtube, and i have to say, i grin every time.



also, saw a preview for this movie tonight. the concept is cool but i can tell it's going to be way sappy. i'm not usually down with the sap. i hear that string music and i'm like MTV, i go 'NEXT!'

i make creepy look good.

my sister's boyfriend is a huge fan of the show 'the pick up artist'. if you aren't familiar with this show, check it out here. It's a ridiculous show full of phrases and methods that are supposed to enable the common (or creepy) man with skills to pick up ladies. this got me thinking about my vast knowledge of conquering hearts. and undies. when i'm in bars getting schwasted and picking up some xx chromosomes, these are my most succesful secrets. keep it exclusive ya'll.

-ladies love it when you talk about yourself. the more you do, the better. who wouldn't want to hear about what you ate at thanksgiving? and why your best friend in 4th grade punched you in the face? not to mention every reason why your ex broke up with you. draw up an abbreviated pamphlet of your life so that they are able to study it and really absorb every detail. it's more of a common courtesy than anything else. hand it to said hottie, and then do the 'call me' motion and walk away. i've gotten mad babes this way because they totally dig my honesty and let's get real; who doesn't want to know everything about me?

-this may seem obvious, but stuff your face and then let out as much audible gas (either end acceptable and encouraged). if there's one thing i'm confident about, it's a woman's love and respect for a pursuer's healthy digestive system.

-carry around a boom box and props at all times. ladies love public serenades because it makes them feel special and who doesn't like being the center of attention right off the bat and in front of a crowd? songs to consider: jay z's 'girls girls girls', eminem's 'superman', or any daft punk song. the longer the better. it's all about you--i mean her.

-buy and wear a grill. smile. speak if you want, the lisp is totally hot. how much easier can this get?

-quote as much dane cook stand-up as you know. if possible, conduct entire conversations using only this dialogue.
"so, what do you do?"
"i work at the BK lounge"
"the what?"
"OH YEAH! OH YEAH! kool-aid"
"uuhh..."
"wanna go back to my place and watch a moooooovie?"

-girls are easy. all of them. so just go dance, get sweaty, pop a breath mint and get up in that. tongues belong in throats. they love it!

when you feel a lady drifting away from your magnetic urges (weird right? some girls are just off) you need to save face. your reputation is more important than any lady out there. my personal phrase is "dang my peeps be back! here's a cranberry, dime, i gotta snap up with the rest of my dolla!"

you can thank me later.

i'm gonna kill you all kinds of dead

first of all, katia got me stoked on this last night. i'm hitting that shit up on christmas.



second, i did yard work today (read: dragged a crapload of leaves to the curb), and straightened up my place. my place looks super good!



i wanna have people over now.

thanks

let's give thanks that once again, we kicked out and virtually obliterated the native americans. score one former euros!
also, that we're not in mumbai. scary shit and i feel sad about what's happening there while we're all celebrating here.
i was killing time and stumbled upon a few myspace profiles of people that have passed away. too young as always. i'm thankful that those people were able to be here while they were, though they were taken too soon. i'm thankful that i'm alive and happy, and my family and friends are safe.

everyday should be thanksgiving, don't ever forget how lucky you are! even when everything looks like shit.

here is my ultra sincere and failed attempt at thanksgiving vegan carrot cake. have a relaxing day!



now i gotta go to the fam's.

keep quiet.

dating is so hard and awkward. newsflash, i know. dating in richmond? virtually impossible. add a couple more difficult circumstances to my personal situation and you'd be a little put off too.

"oh, it's of me and my best friend". eff that.

i don't want to feel obligated to lie about who i am. it's like ordering food and saying i have a food allergy to ensure that it will be vegan. no, it's not a medical thing, it's who i am. i shouldn't have to pretend i'm someone i'm not in order to get what i ask for or deserve. that's admitting shame, and i am not ashamed.
my friends have hilarious stories about failed dates and awkward romantic situations. outrageous stuff. me, i don't have that. my dating history is sparse. i prefer it that way, but i wish i could at least find humor in what didn't work out. somehow, getting beat up by an ex-boyfriend... not that funny! imagine that!
the most recent visitor on my romantic plane was indeed awkward. i was very outside of my element which i really doubt put them at ease. i dare say they felt the same. as little as we knew each other, i learned a great deal about myself and for that i thank them. i'm not sure how they went away from it, the communication was minimal and could be interpreted in different ways. if i did it again i would have done things differently, but c'est la vie.
casual dating is configured to be as difficult as possible. place two people in a restaurant to make awkward conversation where the silences are plentiful and painful and there is at least one moment where you both start speaking at the same time. staring face-to-face, twiddling thumbs... and then eating in public. eating is probably one of the most attractive things you can do with your face with someone you don't know. i won't even try to depict the discomfort and uncertainty of ending such an evening. i'm sure most of us have been there.
yeah... whoever came up with the dating convention definitely had a penchant for social awkwardness. good job there. it works. if/when there's a next time, can it at least be funny? if i can't be with someone good, i think my enthusiasm and endearment deserve at least that much of a reward.

i might be alone for a long time. right now, i'm feeling okay with that. i am focusing on my life and making it what i want it to be. life is pretty good. honestly, i don't have the desire to ever go on a date with someone new again. i would if someone awesome asked me, and realistically i probably will, but i've had enough awkwardness to last a lifetime.

a girl by any other name

i knew a girl who rarely spoke. she was bright and fascinating. had so much going for her.
i knew a girl who spoke often and loudly. she was bright and fascinating. had so much going for her.

presumably they still do, but for different reasons i don't speak to either of them anymore.

quiet girl's actions spoke loudly and she never needed to. where some quiet people could be meek and pliable, she was stoic and determined. she was not without fault, but her precision and deliberation with which she lived covered up her insecurity so well you'd need x-ray specs to see it. nobody knew the real her and i think she wanted it that way.
brash girl used speaking out as a shield against reality. she was SUCH a feminist, SUCH a radical activist that she treated men like doormats and discarded manners as if they were an antiquated formality used only by the rest of us stodgy-minded folk. she clung to radical ideas to give her a sense of self, to project the 'real' her as she thought it should be.
thinking about both of these women makes me think about language and how it affects us. sometimes i wish i spoke less and with more purpose. i would like my words to pack a heavier punch, but i speak like it's free. i've found that most quiet people i know have all their words inside. for every word they say, there are 100 they haven't said, but have thought. for people like brash girl, they speak 100 words... the same ones they're thinking. they leave no words left for the inside of them, by draining their tongues dry they hope to exhaust the real issues into submission. what i know is that when quiet girl spoke, you listened. brash girl always spoke and it became an aimless drone. quiet girl, you have something i wish i had, the ability to claim respect without claiming anything at all.
we use language to protect ourselves. both of these women have insecurities, but they dealt with them in opposite ways. one internalized while the other violently externalized. both of these habits can fuck you up. how do you know what will be the best for you in the long run? bottle up inside, or explode?
i guess ultimately we're all vulnerable kids. tough as nails on the outside, emo as shit on the inside. i think the core of us never grows older than seven or so years old. deep in the mush of the heart and beneath all the scar tissue and brick walls that the years have accumulated (some of us more than others) we still hope and dream, and want someone to love us unconditionally. we want someone to scoop us up, hold us, and tell us everything will be ok.

at least i do. shit, i ain't frontin'.

humans will never stop fascinating me. i wonder if i'll ever want to stop poking around, trying to figure out how they tick. i'm the most curious person i know.

poke poke poke, proddy prod prod.

when i die, put up a photo of stephanie seymour.

have you ever considered the lyrics to guns 'n' roses 'november rain'? in case you haven't, here ya go. give it a gander.

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain


Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

----

this combined with the angelic squeal of slash's melodic guitar solo is pure heaven. i don't even NEED to mention the crucial break down.

plllleeeease.

fuh

my dog is running back and forth through my house like i lit a fire on her ass. my cats are staring at her like she's the dumbest being to ever walk this earth. i love my cats.

now she's doing the pogo at my cat, thursday. and barking.

get a dog. best decision ever.

warm gun

meddling and gossiping is never an attractive trait.

stop being fucked. nobody deserves this. it makes me mad.

leave it alone.

kyle is in town

here he is adjusting his pants.



i really need to make it up to nyc soon.

a lot to ask, a little to carry through

what is humor?

much humor is derived from....

malice. cruelty. self-deprication. trauma. sarcasm. masochism. sadomasochism. fear. hatred. self-hatred. and so on and so forth.

does humor disappear if we destroy these ingredients? if we are good, honorable people, is all color and humor lost? how can we find a balance so that we're not in a fucking disney movie, but we aren't shitty people either?

my house is really fucking cold. i'm gonna go bundle up.

16

my friend sent this out through email. i thought it was interesting.

16 truths, good or bad. list 'em, elaborate, or don't. if anyone who reads this does it, send me a link.

1. somehow i believe everything happens for a reason... in a sense, i do believe in an abstract form of 'destiny'.

2. some days i think i'm pretty, other days i think i'm a freak. i still feel like a fat girl and i'm still surprised when i get compliments.

3. i am embarrassed that i know so little about music, amongst the people i know. it's extremely intimidating.

4. i have an ego when it comes to my ability to draw. i know that other people can do it waaaaay better but i guess it feels good knowing i'm good at something.

5. i'm so glad i'm finally now (99%) financially independent.

6. if i didn't do art, i would pursue psychology with a focus on food psychology and eating disorders. or be a nutritionist.

7. i can't imagine not walking every day, although 5 months ago i never exercised.

8. sometimes i try to read the news and i just completely blank out. i want to be aware of everything really badly, but (and i feel guilty about this) sometimes all i can focus on is vapid shit like twitter, missed connections, ikea and puppy webcams.

9. i'm very slowly learning how to be subtle. i doubt i'll ever be the quiet subdued type though.

10. i have prepared myself for being alone for a very long time. richmond is very very small and i feel extremely pessimistic regarding my odds for awesome romantic chillage.

11. i used to want a marc jacobs handbag more than anything. now i couldn't care less (actually i find them rather obscene now), and that thrills me.

12. i am really terrible about changing my bed sheets. sometimes i don't change them for two months. ewwwwwww i know

13. as much as i adore my pets, sometimes i wish i could give them away. the fact that i think this breaks my heart.

14. a couple nights ago a friend described me as 'outgoing' and with a 'big friend circle'. that was the first time anyone had said either of those things about me. i always identified myself as the complete opposite, so i was shocked.

15. i committed a very minor hit and run last week, and i am completely guilt ridden and think about it every day. i didn't leave my info because i am so broke there's no way i could have fixed it, and that makes me feel guilty too.

16. if i could be 18 again, things would go differently. but i am happier now than i ever have been in my entire life.

ask yourself

how can you tell the difference between a hypocrite and someone who has legitimately changed?

ask yourself before you judge.

by the way. fuck the richmond rumor mill. again. only this time i think the rumor is possibly true and i've been lied to.

fuck liars, i don't need them in my life. if you can't be honest, don't answer at all.

hot water bleeding our colors!

gonna have fun. gonna do shit.

let's get it goin' i'm not worrying about others too much.

peelin' off my second skin cuz i only need one to have fun in.

PTO FTW

because of those extra paid time off hours i mentioned before, i will have every friday, saturday and sunday off until 2009. and i get a four day weekend for thanksgiving. stoked. what shall i do with that time?

-mad friendship bracelet making. it was pretty cool getting lost in the child section at barnes and noble this weekend.
-sewing and drawing
-catch up on all the npr i haven't been listening to lately. i took a break after all the economical/election stuff the past few months.
-make vegan dishes for various holiday occasions... next up, carrot cake for t-giving
-learn guitar finally? and am i the only one who accidentally keeps hitting the q key when i type g words? quitar!
-exercise more, cuz whoa it's been a lazy time lately.
-complete some personal challenges i have set for myself. consider it pre-new years resolutions.
-do all the dumb responsible shit i haven't been doing... i.e. car registration, buying flea meds, etc. BORING!
-see my pops more. he misses me.
-take road trip to potomac mills for black friday midnight madness. my friends and i are batshit crazy.
-find more music! suggestions plz?
-get mad tatted up with my sis. she's my number one! i can't wait for vcu break so i can hang with her more.
-save money... this will be difficult with the coming holidays, but i wish i could so that i could travel more and do some things i can't do now.

so there's something that's been on my mind lately. it's kind of a big deal, but it's scary and i don't yet feel comfortable talking about it blatantly. i am fascinated about how things have been unfolding for me, and i'm always curious as to why events and personal growth experiences happen the way they do.

my mom gave me some good advice recently. as much as i sometimes have a hard time talking to her, she spoke some truths that i couldn't really ignore. i was already doing some of the stuff she suggested, but it's scary to take it all the way. it's a frightening thought to really look at yourself, raw and completely. i'm stubborn and in some ways extremely idealistic, and i don't always want to see myself for who i really am, and situations around me for what they are. so yeah, she dragged me a little kicking and screaming, but ultimately helped me finish some of the work i had already started. when i like a person, as a friend or otherwise, i want them to stay in my life. but sometimes they aren't meant to. and sometimes you have to learn that they may or may not have served their purpose. that's hard!

the idea of taking on an entirely new vision of myself scares me shitless. people are shitty and closed-minded. people can be awfully immature and sling out hurtful insults because they don't know how to deal with difference. but i am different. i can't hide it and i can't deny it to myself anymore. it's funny, i always acted like i was willing to say what i feel, be true to myself, etc. but there are some things that we are so ingrained to believe that it took 23 years to realize that that way of life doesn't fit me. it takes a lot of strength to accept a lifestyle that will inevitably be lonelier and more isolating. i'm not completely unused to being the odd one out, a black sheep amongst the herd, but that doesn't make it easy either. despite my fortunate social and family situation, there are still things that i could lose over this. no matter how you think the fallout will go, the future is uncertain. also this doesn't mean i now have a place to go. i don't fit in with the old way, and i definitely don't fit in with the new. i've never been one to collect friends or date around, and now narrowing the possibilities this much more makes the future feel lonely.

this will open up room for whispers behind my back. i don't want to be defined, derogatorily or otherwise. i don't want to be stereotyped. unfortunately these things are probably inevitable. but if i can't be honest with myself i'll never be completely happy. i didn't used to feel confident enough to believe i deserved happiness, but that's silly because everyone does. i am more confident now. i'm almost ready for my happiness to take precedence over their social acceptance. i am scared. true friends will still be my friends, and it won't be easy saying goodbye to the old me and those left back there. this is what it is. looking at things for what they really are.

thanks mom.

bag o' blog

so yet again, i was on a late night quest for a vegan treat. this time i was on the pursuit for holiday oreos. black cookies, red filling. my sister fondly referred to them as anarcho-punk oreos which resulted in much witty punk cookie-related banter between her and Chip.



so just like the aforementioned late night candy corn quest, it was a bust but i did find these gems.



hillary clinton doll. i can't even choose a joke to make about this.

if you need bags o' babies, bags o' undies, walgreens is the place. i wish i could get a bag o' whatever i wanted for $3.19! bag o' job freedom, bag o' iphone, bag o' hot body, bag o' train tickets... if only socks, bibs and onesies really was 'everything'.



i also remembered one of my dreams last night. i rarely remember them, so i'm stoked when i do, only to remember that very rarely do exciting things happen in them.

i go to a friend's apartment (not a real one, but in the dream it looked familiar). the door is hanging wide open and i go inside. immediately i see this dude (an acquaintance in real life) naked from the waist down and sitting on the floor in front of a tv, jacking off. i think "ok, that's repulsive" but he seems to be in his own little world and i don't say anything to him. i walk around the apartment to find several other dudes and a couple of girls also masturbating, randomly sitting on the floor or sprawled on chairs.

then i look down to see that i'm wearing blue and red ruched boy shorts with a smiley face on them and a blue tube top with a bra underneath. i am bewildered and wonder who is playing such a cruel joke on me. some of my girlfriends show up and they start talking to me. while they're talking, i get distracted, i keep having trouble keeping the tube top up, it keeps falling down... completely. embarrassing! but then i notice script on myself and realize i have tattoos. there's one between my breasts that says "Angel Wings" in script. then i see that i have lines that look like sun beams, radiating from my hips up to the angel wings tattoo.

then my dog woke me up. i am scared to wonder what explanation my mom would come up with (she used to dabble in dream interpretation) if i told her about this. group masturbation, skimpy disgusting outfit, shitty tattoos... thanks subconscious!

the wane game

i've been walking a lot. it clears my head, and my dog and i both get some exercise. it's also convenient to leave my house, no driving to a gym. also, it's free. plus i'm outside seeing what the fuck is going on with the seasons and stuff, rather than gluing my face to a tv while on a treadmill. granted, 99% of the time i carry my ipod, but the music/npr podcasts help me forget about everything i don't want to think about for 1-2 hours. i happily lose track of time. i arrive home with(in this weather) a runny nose and much clearer conscience.

of course, if anyone ever wanted to accompany me, that would be cool. it doesn't have to be exclusive alone time. i sometimes go on walks with other people, but i've found that most people are too busy to do that. their schedules vary too greatly from mine. also, to many people it's not 'doing something'... it's my dog chore that i have to get over with before i can hang out. i do have to do it, but i am glad.

on my walks i have found every type of roadkill under a deer's size, as well as many live animals. i found a live baby snake in the middle of the road a couple weeks ago. turtles, chipmunks... things you forget are still in the city. i see all the plants and weird seasonal details that you don't notice when riding a bike or driving; you're going too fast. it's awesome to see this stuff. i smell the fire from someone's house in the fall, and the flowers in someone's yard in the spring. i get time away from everyone, i don't have (or want) to talk. i see things that nobody else will see or notice, and they are my tiny secrets.

i also wander into neighborhoods all around mine... i like to mix it up. it's fascinating how different the houses and atmospheres are from neighborhood to neighborhood. you can walk fifteen minutes and be in a completely different world.

i like being able to block people out completely when i want to. rarely do i find myself having to talk to someone on a walk. but sometimes i also witness other people's secrets. it's really incredible how most people seem not to believe in curtains or blinds. thus, i have seen intimate embraces and fights alike. i saw a man tenderly caressing a woman's face. i saw people hanging out. mostly, i see people quietly sitting, alone. i wonder what they're thinking. sometimes they see me, sometimes they don't. sometimes they watch me too. i wonder if they wonder about me.

it's strange and entirely fitting that i see so much from the outside looking in. i'm not searching, it's just that i see.

in their solitary and private moments, i see the weary. i see the loved. i see people when they're not pretending. here's when i learn compassion. maybe someday someone will really see me too, in my quiet.

phantom brain

so, cool thing: i thought i only had 27 hours paid time off for the rest of the year, which i would use for my week long christmas vacation in seattle. which would mean i have no extra PTO hours to use, so yesterday being sick would be unpaid. BUT! apparently i have 27 IN ADDITION to the week of PTO hours the HR girl had already factored into my vacation. so i have 27 extra. fuckin' awesome, so i'm getting paid for yesterday and i won't be totally broke.

so that's the good thing.

bad thing.

i did something fucked tonight. i have said i don't believe in regret, but i might have to change that now. i regret what i did. and i regret what i didn't do. i feel even guiltier because of WHY i didn't do the right thing. i am a coward. tonight is one i would never want to repeat. it doesn't matter what it was, just that it brought out the worst in me and i am shocked, angry and completely disappointed in myself. i thought that i had grown to be a better person, but in the spur of the moment my panic took over, my heart raced, and i did what i did.

it situations like this, i wish there was at least something fun to get out of it. no fun here. it's not like having unprotected sex or stealing from someone who doesn't deserve it. i got no pleasure, i got no things. i ended up with nothing but shame.

walked for two hours. ipod blasting. it helped while i was gone, but now i'm back.

this is my sound.

i stayed home from work today. the sickness got me finally. i'm on the verge of losing my (beautiful, melodic, soothing) voice, so naturally i'm gonna get on here and write since i can't talk. act like you don't love it.

so yeah, i can't afford to not work. i'm a little concerned about it. penny pinching for realz this week. but i'm not sweating it, i'm in a very life's-too-short-to-sweat-the-small-stuff phase. i won't spend much, i won't eat much. i will walk more, and work more. and cheaply play more.

i was perusing blogs today, in my ill internet stupor that consumed me when i wasn't consumed by sleep. there are some really fucking cool ones out there. some are hilarious and it makes me wish my entries were funnier. then some are really artsy and well-designed and that's really fuckin' cool too. makes me think i should devote more time to making mine look cool. really though, on my long to-do list, focusing on my blog is not at the top.

on another internet-related note, twitter is really starting to blow up. it's getting so that when i check it daily, there are tons of updates that aren't even on the page anymore. i'm kinda stoked on it. i like seeing the random/funny shit my friends and acquaintances say that i'd never know otherwise. i'm also glad i only get mobile updates from cnn and my friend sage in chicago, because whoa my phone would be blowing up.

speaking of phones. i'm dyin' over here. i really wish i could afford to make the iphone transition. my phone is fucking up all the time, it's time for one that works. what better way to stay pathetically linked to the interwebz (that which bums me out most of the time but i'm addicted to anyway) than to have a device that is always virtually flawlessly connected? fuck. i will be a zombie of internet madness when my iphone day comes. not to mention the slimness of an iphone would be a huge improvement to the bulkiness of my current POS. i've sworn off purses, i just cannot be bothered with that shit anymore, so i'm carrying around a thick phone that interrupts the sexy smooth line of my rear end. har. i bought my last new leather item this past weekend, a super slim magic wallet on mega sale. the perfect necessity for a wallet/phone/chapstick girl like me. i was stoked and resigned. the fat wallet issue is resolved, now the fat phone issue needs to be resolved.

i kinda wish i could go back in time and live a week when the internet didn't exist yet. where the internet now saves us time, it adds time in other ways. i barely remember the internet-less days. i cannot imagine growing up with the internet how it is, now. yet another reason why i do not want children. the internet is incredibly resourceful, but also teeming with false information and time-wasting sites. call me old-fashioned, but if i were a parent i doubt i could compete with all that's out there. my kid would suck. i'm not sure if this is right or wrong, but i think puberty is the proper time for kids to get cell phones, have freedom on the internet. some conservative people would argue that this is precisely the worst time for such things, but uh, so that makes it ok for a 6 year-old to be texting her bff on her cell phone? to be glued to some sort of screen all the time instead of seeing the world with her own eyes? ugh. yeah, not having kids. i am smart and devoted to things i care about, but that shit would be too overwhelming and a lost cause. i'm not in this world to have bratty kids who don't know what the world is really about. and don't care to find out. and LBH they'd probably end up obese despite my best efforts.

one thing i've realized about myself: i always knew i didn't like people, in general, that much. as a child, i preferred the company of animals to people because i felt that other kids my age were idiotic (i mean, how smart is a 5 year old going to be? i'm a little harsh) and i didn't have time for their childish antics. unfortunately i had a habit of making that clear to everyone around me... that was fun for my parents to deal with. anyway, i like people more now, and i have some good friends for whom i'd do anything. still, overall i'm not a big fan. the thing that i've realized is that i love figuring out what makes people tick. i love watching people, i love hearing people talk, as long as i'm not expected to participate too much. i even like meeting people as long as the pressure isn't on me to keep conversation going, because like i've said before, i'm horrible at casual chit chat. i love studying people. all the stupid and complicated things we do and reasons why we do them, it's fascinating. i guess it's why i like walking so much, i get to see everything around me. i see new things, i randomly see shit i never used to see. and i get to see people without being expected to interact with them.

i am almost 24 and i'm just now learning how to not be completely socially inept. learning compassion has also been hard. learning how to soften myself so i'm not totally intense and super opinionated right off the bat has taken time, too. not to mention being judgmental. it's always a struggle for me to know when to keep my mouth shut. i'm slowly learning that one too. ahh life, you are weird. and you make me want an iphone so bad, so that i may be incognito and take and upload photos of ridiculous people more easily.

compassion... really... i has it... somewhere...

pluto, you're always a planet in my eyes.

i don't really feel like giving a summary of my weekend, and i doubt anybody wants to read that anyway. but it was a good one. i was lazy during the day, fun at night. any proper weekend should be that way.

i saw william elliott whitmore friday night:



it was a good show, with a totally bizarre crowd. old with a weird former-punk-but-now-wearing-target-graphic-tees thing. i think murder by death, the headlining band, kind of explained that one. they were pretty awesome too. between the singer who's deep man voice shouldn't come out of the scrawny bearded body that was his, to the cellist who seemed incredibly horny and ready to mount her own instrument at any time.

also saw gordan gano's army and lemuria last night. no sweet camera photos of that because lemuria's set felt like it was over before it began. ah well there's always next time i guess. my sister compared them to paramore tonight. so bummed she did that.

spent some time chillin' with my animals this weekend, during the intense laze sessions. my dog is superior to all others. and probably stinkier.



my sister and i also met with amy about our tattoos (and to say hello and catch up) last night. december 7th! tattoo number 3. nobody cares, but i'm stoked. gon' be good. i can't wait to be judged for my SICK INK BRAH.

i can say now...

i don't know how to be optimistic and hopeful after eight years of being ashamed. the day after election day was really difficult for me because i didn't know how to feel. part of me was super stoked, but part of me felt like i was on the verge of crying and i didn't know why. i guess it was all just a shock... because of the election four years ago, i had prepared myself for anything this time. i didn't want to assume, i didn't want to be too hopeful, because i did that last time and it was difficult to get through.

i've gotten used to being bitter, cynical and ashamed to be an american. the thought of eventually not feeling this way partly changes my identity. big change can be scary to anyone due to the possibility of failure and criticism.

now i'm starting to just get more stoked and less freaked out. now let's just hope he doesn't get assassinated.

one step forward, one step back

going back to cali, cali...

Proposition 2 passed. yay.




Proposition 8 passed. boo.

.

i don't feel like talking lately.

i'm done talking about it. just because it's not talked about doesn't mean it's not still there. you can't ignore the truth forever. maybe i'll still be here. maybe i won't.

fuck it.

change

last night.

for once, i am speechless.

makin' some hi-hi-history

tonight better not make HERstory, IF you know what i mean.

shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

off to a delicious 'luck where i know at least one of my friends will be crying. now that's a fun night!

liquid love

my mom read my blog yesterday. her reading it won't influence what i write. i guess if you know me, you know that. my dad doesn't know about it, to my knowledge. i think he just reads my myspace surveys, all of which have been deleted. my myspace blog awaits the next late night where i yet again cannot sleep and resort to talking about myself in slightly witty, slightly boring epithets. i know you're perched on the edge of your seat.

some opportunities are presenting themselves and i'm actually kind of pumped about them. the prospect of using my degree (in richmond, no less!) almost makes me giddy with excitement and a feeling of good fortune. using my eco-friendly and recycled wares along with my fashion and fitting knowledge is gonna make me one happy (and busy) camper. people have also started coming to me with alterations, and at first i was apprehensive since i never felt that sewing was my forte, but now i've done some of it and i realized i can do it. and it won't look half bad. everyone wins.

i still want to do more non-fashion art... but where's the time? there's so much i want to do, but i've also never been an overachiever. i have to have some R & R in order for me to function at peak. it's an interesting balance to try and strike since i have high standards for myself and an unwillingness to pull a string of all-nighters. i did that in school, and i'm glad i did, but ew.

the year is almost over, and today i was thinking about how i've changed since january. i've shed a literal and figurative weight since then. i was stuck in misguided and old ways that i'd gotten used to, they didn't reflect me. they were a shallow security blanket that definitely made me colder. i still can't quite explain what made me make such drastic and positive changes, but jeez. thank god. i can't imagine living another year stuck down where i was before. i know i sound angry and depressed in my blog on a pretty regular basis, in fact one of my closest friends expressed concern for me last night. the thing you have to understand about me and blogs is that 2/3 of the time that i feel i have something to say, it will not be happy. i feel it is my responsibility as a human being to concern myself with larger matters than just that which immediately surrounds us. although i feel this strongly and i will always commit to it, it can be overwhelming. i cast off psychological weight which opened up the room for me to take on a weight of a more humbling capacity. i wouldn't trade it for the world (no pun intended). i never want to lose sight of how tiny i am in the grand scheme, but i can't let disillusionment take over me or else i'm just another person living lost. my moral responsibility should always come before my personal confusion and depression. it helps guide me through the tough times when my mind tries so hard to pull me into negative thinking. i know i haven't always felt this way, but personally i'm much more at peace with myself. i admit that had to come first before i could focus on everything else and get to a place where i could put my personal issues on the back burner when necessary.

i think i should acknowledge that other people had very little influence on the changes i've made this year. some friendships are weaker, most are stronger because of them. i can't say my friends had no influence, but i have to admit i feel pretty ambivalent towards those who have 'extreme' values and lifestyles for an obvious social gratification. ew dudes, really? it's a fuzzy line to distinguish, between choosing a lifestyle because of your friends, or choosing a lifestyle because of the information you have deliberately researched and processed (via friends, news, music, whatever). honestly i couldn't and wouldn't pick out specific people, because i don't know many people very well, but i do know the likelihood of people doing things just because their friends do. it bums me out, because people who share similar lifestyles to me but don't have their heart in it are extremely disappointing, and i really don't want those people to reflect me. it's kind of irrelevant in the end, because my friends know me and know where my convictions lie. they know i would never do something i don't believe in just because i want someone to like me. it took me five years to get to this point, i'm ready for some commitment. it's the least i can do, for myself and everyone else.

despite how much clearer i feel day to day, there are always times when personal demons get the best of me. everyone has them i guess. sometimes i feel painfully clueless, helpless, worthless and gullible. and yes, sometimes i really do want people to like me (it doesn't happen often, feel special if you're one of them) but i would never sacrifice any of myself to make that happen. when all is said and done, my long term convictions keep me going and give me the strength i need to tell myself to shut the hell up and soldier on.

we are tiny, insignificant seeds with egos the size of redwoods and bulldozers big enough to destroy ourselves and everything else.

get over.

sunday SUNDAY sunday!

vegetarian chili with fake meat crumbles. heat. clean house. good friends. loud music.

FTW

update:
the chili turned out AMAZINGLY. but, also amazingly, chili looks nasty irl. and i'll be eating this stuff for a few weeks.






kiki was chili mascot during cooking.

this country

is getting me down.

i guess that's not the only thing. small pleasures don't help me today. i wish i could let go, i wish i could shut down. i wish i could be a person who keeps things to herself. sometimes i get so angry that i'm open, that i talk. i can't just talk about fun things and keep the anger hidden. i feel oppressed by everything that's happening, helpless and bitter. i'm on a path, but do i care where it's going?

i wish i could keep it all to myself. i wish i had the nerve to delete this and all my other online accounts (myspace, facebook, etc) and keep a paper journal. i expose myself, and then hate myself for it.

and election day is day after tomorrow. fuck.

masturbation nation

i was never good with metaphors
i prefer to say it to you straight.

sometimes people can't handle it
i'm pressured to negate
my natural inclination
to raise issues
and hate hate

some people beat it
i come head-on
there's an underscore if you know how to read it,
a subtle suggestion
detectable only by the willed strong

fuck the nervous, fuck the fear
there's nothing left
once we've torn up everything near
groping for walls that won't crumble
seizing a day that won't resist

building broken homes
out of our broken faces
truing the ties of all our lies
battening down the traces
of all our falling graces

pull me down with you,
i'll sit in a ditch
one hardened beauty, one sly bitch
we'll make fanciful bloodwork
we'll pull each other apart
stitch by national stitch.

a full-fledged war
between one and one more
we can talk about friendly fire,
we can obtusely speculate
the satisfaction of 'settling the score'.

love is an anomaly
life convinces me otherwise
than of conquering the insincere
and bonding slippery fish
with metal bills manufactured here.

my weapons are sharpened with spit
i won't win,
i knew that from the size of the pit
it's in the middle of the battle
that's where i fit
one person can't win,
and one person can't quit.

stand up, celebrate the natural need to own what ain't earned.

today:

-i was in the weirdest best mood today, all chipper and shit. nothing could stop me, nobody could piss me off. i didn't start to come down until i came home a few minutes ago. i was hoping i could ride it for a few days.

-mock chicken tagine at couscous is STILL super delicious.

-harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay wasn't good. of course nph helped, but still, not impressed. at least now i can send it back and get something else soon.

-exercise. i need it. i feel like shit lately. top of the list tomorrow morning/afternoon/whenever i get up for sure.

-i hate acquiring the things needed to put together a halloween costume. but i can't wait for people to be confused about my costume, especially if i have the pleasure of talking to girls in slutty costumes. jokes on you bitches!

-there are a lot of shows coming up. i'm broke. it sucks. but you better believe i'm making it to william elliott whitmore on the 7th. priorities, man.

-being cold sucks, but i love getting warm when it is cold outside. ftw.

-my friends rule. even when some of them are a little special sometimes.

happy halloween.

destroy and rebuild; repeat indefinitely.

i am irritated. please excuse any immature and irrational delivery.

there are so many stupid people in the world. maybe i am one of them for thinking i'm not one of them, but every day i am reminded. i don't want my heart to be consumed by anger, but sometimes it seems virtually impossible. stupid people, doing stupid things, ruining the world. it was halfway ruined already i guess. man insists on destroying and rebuilding. destroying, killing, birthing and rebuilding flimsily, making his arrogant mark. people are so mindless, happy to live in a bubble of ignorance. i sat at a stoplight today and watched everyone, immersed in their ridiculous and pointless activities. most of them were talking on cell phones. maybe because of my job, i feel like most people around me are blissfully unaware of anything going on that matters.

these stupid people are having too many stupid babies. please stop having children. every time i see photos or news on facebook about another girl getting pregnant, i grit my teeth. most smart people are smart enough not to have them, thus the world is filling with idiots.

i always held humans in contempt. with this came an unavoidable, substantial dose of self-contempt. i was always irritated that i could in some way be grouped, by species, gender, race, interests, or events, with horrible people. in my lowest moments i wonder if i am a fraud.

i see all these people who will live out their lives without achieving anything worthwhile. i sound insensitive, but you know that's true, some people don't ever do anything. i know it's a matter of opinion whether someone does something influential, but everyone gets wrapped up in daily life and it all starts to blend together. lives look the same from person to person, different colors and textures don't change the end results all that much.

so then, if we don't really do anything worthwhile... what's the point? why are we alive? so that dumb people can be 'happy' and hollow, and people like me waste their time hating those people, trying to use their anger to fuel an effort to achieve something of which to be proud?

how discouraging.

i have little concern for responsibility right now. i am apathetic towards my daily tasks. it's all i can do to put my energy into the happy mask i need to function at work. because let's face it, i would be screwed if i lost my job. then i'd be even angrier.

on which side would you rather be?

neither makes good.

i've seen this happen in other people's lives and now it's happening in mine.

this was a good weekend. i sewed, i met people, i stayed occupied, i was productive but relaxed.




need loot? need supply gave bags out at ipanema last night. bartender also gave me free tea... thanks bartender! people have been extra generous to me lately, i feel like i have fairy dust on me or something. the dj played some choice tunes and i actually danced... i know... hell is freezing over as we speak.


emily and i went to a show tonight (pretty boy thorson and the falling angels... horrible name, great band) and her fingernails matched everything! the evening was meant to be.



also tonight i relived my wild underage days:


or maybe i just left my id in my coat that i misplaced...

also, i wish i could start a band. i love to sing and i've been told i don't suck, but beyond that i have no confidence. i just know that i am happiest when singing, and people don't always cringe. even though i usually joke sing. seems like it could be something, but i don't know how. boo.

less bitch, more pics

with a house like this... obama 08? duh.


found this in my phone's photo album. i don't remember receiving this in a message, but someone sent it to me. mystery owl! whoo....whoo


my friend jess is getting one of these little boogers (i.e. english bulldog puppies) next weekend. as cute/alien as they look right now, after having had my own puppy, man, i really don't envy her. speaking of...


picturesque brunch view today. the vegan apple pie pancakes, soysage, mini bagels and silk nog were also a sight to see, but not for long!

now, nap.